Inspiring Each Other - Lifting Ourselves Up

I was talking to a director I've worked with before that I really admire. His opinion really matters to me. He is my creative friend - we "get" each other 100%.....

We were talking about my solo show and he said that he was really inspired....and even jealous that I was out there "doing it." Isnt that something? Here's someone I so admire - that I wouldnt even think would get jealous of ANYONE, let alone me.....bc he's got so much creativity flowing within....

And, first off, it made me feel NORMAL. Because as much as I'd love to pretend to be above it, like everyone else.....when I see a friend doing something creative, of course I'm like "hell, yeah!!" But then there is that tinge of jealousy! ACK!! And to hear someone I so admire and trust having the same feelings come up....well, it made me feel like we are "all one."

I realized too that we all lift each other up. You see someone's show, someone's film and it inspires you to go do your own thing. And that's a good thing.

Its good to have friends who "get" you --

:)

Producing

I've had a love/hate relationship with producing....always. I feel I want to act. Seen as an actress, not a producer.....

But then.....

Charlize Theron produced Monster's Ball

Gwyneth Paltrow produced her new one.....the one where she plays a country singer

Halle Berry produced her new one coming out....Frankie and Alice

Ok. Maybe producing is just the wave of the future for actors? In that case, I'm glad I'm on board.

I just dont want to produce things I'm not in any more.....

:)

Quiet

Things are a little slow right now. Well. Ok. As far as actually A-C-T-I-N-G in something awesome.

We're just back from a whirlwind tour. Mostly traveling to festivals for one of our film's: California, Brazil, New Orleans. Then back to CA for a meeting with a potential manager. And Europe for some R and R and I think I may have found an agent for when I'm out there, and possibly and English speaking theater to do my solo show at. Fingers crossed on all fronts.

I even had a producer interested in taking my solo show on tour in Asia. But alas, for now that has fallen through.

Damn. I was already planning to get my picture taken while doing a handstand on the Great Wall of China!

So I realize right now, this is my time to go inward. I'm planning for next year a little bit. Fixing up my apartment. Contemplating looking for paid, mindless side work. I'm meditating. Going to the weekly Dharma talks at the Shambahla Center. It feels pretty good.

I just have to remind myself that I am on the path. It's quiet now for me acting wise. I dont dare compare myself to another actor. That's their path. This is mine. I'm looking forward to working in CA and in Europe more. To directing my own short sooner rather than later. And doing my solo show in San Fran. Yep, that's where I've decided my next move will be for the show: San Fran.

I cant say that I always love the quiet. I'm like any other actor. The quiet makes us nervous. We feel our career may be over! YIKES!!!

But listen, this is part of being on the warrior's path. I dont take every project that comes my way. I turn a whole lot of stuff down. Its gotta really hit a chord with me. And if it doesnt, I'm doing myself and the project a disservice by taking it anyway.....and I respect myself and the other person's work way too much for that.

So for right now, I'm making friends with quietness.

Watch Your Own Belief System

I was out with a friend last night....she is also an actress....and she was talking about how agents and managers are really into working with actors right out of school, into honing young talent from the bigger, prestigious schools (Yale, Julliard, ACT, etc).....

And I couldnt help but think, "wow. is that your belief system?? is that what you believe??"

If you get caught up in that thinking: "I could never be a CEO bc I didnt go to Yale or Harvard" "I will have a hard time getting a good agent bc I didnt go to a prestigious acting school" "I'm too old" "I'm not skinny enough" --- well, we should all give up right now shouldnt we?

The truth is: YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU WANT. Fuck all that other noise. Its just bullshit. Sure, there are bumps on the road, mishaps, disappointments, joys and then often things dont turn out the way we thought they would. They can turn out EVEN better. Everyone has moments of feeling like "not enough." But man, you gotta learn to cut that shit out of your head that stops you in your tracks. It will only bring you down.

I was kind of shocked (and sad) that my friend believes these things.

We all create our own path. You just gotta keep doing your thing. Its not about comparing yourself to others, getting caught up in statistics - in so called "logics" - all that intellectual brain stuff. Its about doing the things that truly make you feel alive.

So go with your heart instead. Not your head. Or someone else's for that matter. Believe in how friggin great you really are. Believe in your goals, your dreams.....I promise you'll fare much better.....

Pulling Yourself Back Up

Its amazing. This week started as kind of a downer. Problems within our production company. Taking a class I wasnt excited about. Wondering where to go with my solo show at this point. Feeling a little at a loss.

And now its all completely done a 360 degree turn.

And that's the way of having a creative life. The roads curves, turns, zig zags, you move backwards and then forwards. But the point is to KEEP MOVING.

Which brings me to a quote I love in these moments:

"Artists....have their ups and their downs.....at times everything you do is wonderful....or you think it is.....and then you fall back down again. Pulling yourself back up is the most important part of your life...."

Indeed.

Sunnier Skies Ahead....

I have to admit....lately I feel like something is really missing from my life.

How can that be??

I'm in an audition class I've been wanting to take....and somehow, I couldn't give 2 shits.

Isnt that something?

I feel at a loss.

We've taken a few hits lately, the husband and I......disappointments with a project we got pulled into, (still) dealing with terrible former landlord. Oy vey. Isnt it something? You go into these relationships with other folks....with your good intentions.....and it just doesnt work out for the best. I wish I could go into it here with you, but at least here are some lessons I learned that may be helpful(and yep, you guessed it, they are redundant....):

1) TRUST your friggin instincts!

2) Sign contracts with folks on the projects you work on. Its uncomfortable: but DO IT ANYWAY. One of my mentor friends I met up with today told me that he ALWAYS signs contracts, even with his best friends. He feels, by doing this, he is protecting the friendship - so there are zero misunderstandings and the friendship will not suffer. Good advice.

3) Did I mention TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS?? Man oh man, this year has proven to me over and over to ALWAYS do this.

Sunnier skies ahead....

Virtual Dilemma - Part 2 (A.K.A. - She Took the Words Right Out of My Mouth)

From the blog of a yoga teacher I really like. THIS is EXACTLY how I'm feeling about technology!

The Technology of Heart



So I finally broke down and bought the Droid…Verizon's answer to Mac's iPhone. I felt like with the extra responsibilities and traveling more these days it was important to be able to send and receive emails on my cell. And it has this great keyboard to text my sister faster. I can take awesome photos, play Tetris or other boredom free apps. I can get directions to Sushi Roku, Santa Monica in seconds and use Google sky map to track the exact stars right above my head.

As I traveled last month to Los Angeles with it I noticed I'm hardly the only one. Everyone had their heads down engrossed in some sort of device. No need to say a word to anyone, my phone knows everything. Directions, gate changes, status updates. My life has been sized down to a hand device that takes care of everything. With a signature scroll the whole world is at my fingertips. 



And yet the world - the one that actually shifts and thrives around me is ignored. And I kinda miss talking to the random guy on the rental car shuttle. Good ole' small talk and connection with live beings. Before cell phones you actually paid attention to who was boarding your flight. You smiled at the little girl waving at the planes; interacted with your fellow humans, looked out for each other. 



And so while I suppose my Droid is here to stay, I'm deeply conflicted with the purchase. Aren't I now contributing to the further demise of humanity? Aren't I now cutting myself off from the world and my experience of it? Can I not just look up in the sky and guess which star is where? Because with or without the convenience your unique human experience cannot be replaced. Life happens whether you log on or not. And yes internet and technology is amazing, and does connect us - in endless ways. 



But with my Droid in my pocket this flight to New York I am reminded to connect to heart. To turn my head and notice the woman next to me in stunning blue; drinking her coffee and eating Ritz crackers. I am reminded to smile at her, even for a moment-and say hi. 


Keeping Your Happiness

"Are you happy?" the Guru asked his student when she was about to leave his Ashram and go back into the world.....

"Oh yes, very happy," she replied.

"You happy?" he asked again.

"Yes, Guruji."

"Happy you?"

"Yes, yes, happy happy."

"Happy happy?"

"Yes, yes."

"Good. Keep it.......keep it"

---- the Guru knew how hard it is to keep happiness, how quickly we give it over to petty worry and fear. Or how life can bowl one over with something that causes unhappiness. So when I start to feel unhappy......I tell myself this mantra about my happiness: "keep it.....keep it!!"

*From - "Sweeping the Dust" - written by Ruth Lauer-Manenti

Some Stuff I've Learned Recently ---

1) Always, always, always trust your instincts on people

2) If its too good to be true, it probably is......

3) If you've made a new "friend" and they constantly put down another person's work, or talk about friends they no longer get along with....ya gotta wonder......why all the negativity?? Hello! RED FLAG!!!!

4) Those that toot their own horn the loudest (especially about "art") and use a lot of pretentious words are usually insecure and full of shit. Careful how much you surround yourself with this B.S.

5) Trust your instincts about who your friends are.....you are RIGHT! :)

6) Dont be so angry/hurt that you cannot forgive. Just remember the lesson.

7) Keep it simple: 1 or 2 projects.....not 12!!!! :)

8) At the end of the day: love and your family and close friends are all you REALLY need. (hard for us ambitious folk to remember....but we do our best!!) ;)

9) Take advantage of every opportunity you have to get quiet. i. e. yoga, meditation, relaxing, hanging with loved ones, enjoying "alone" time

10) Write from the heart and about what you know

11) Dont believe the hype, no matter what your career is, about boundaries, age, what you "should" be doing, etc. Listen to your heart. Be brave!!

12) Keep it real, man, keep it real ---

13) At the end of each day, look at what you were able to do and be grateful.....not at what you "didnt do." Go easy on yourself!

14) Dont be afraid to give. But be weary of those who only know how to take.

15) Be big enough to take a step back and see the other person's point of view. It ain't about being right all the time.....

16) Always thank those who have helped you. Don't go taking all the credit. That'll bite you on the ass some day.

17) Try not to live in a "black and white" world.....Get to know the gray!!

18) Don't take it so personally! (tough one for me)

19) Do your best to be there for your loved ones - dont miss those moments bc you were "too busy."

20) Never give up!! There is a difference between giving up and evolving as a human being. Know the difference. Again, be brave - listen to that heart of yours!!

-- Can you tell I've had a couple of troubling situations to deal with lately?? Its been heartbreaking and disappointing - but on the flip side, I've learned a lot.....

:)

Virtual Dilemma

Sometimes I wonder if Facebooking and all the action on the Internet is a good thing - especially after what happened with that student at Rutger's University who was outted over the Internet.

It seems many of us (self include for sure) spend way too much time on line - we've created virtual personas - we replace picking up the phone and calling a friend or seeing them in person with an email, a lightning fast note on FB - and I just wonder how good this is?? Especially on the heart, the soul and our authenticity.

Is being online really necessary? I'd convinced myself that it was....yet I've always struggled with the sincerity of it.....and now I'm REALLY beginning to wonder.

Must we ALWAYS update everyone on our every move? What's left just for yourself??

Hmmmm......I'm a wonderin'

Meine Elterns (my in-laws)

I am incredibly lucky - I have the best in-laws in the world.

As I was sitting with them at dinner tonight, sipping wine (and I rarely drink these days) - I felt so overwhelmed with emotions. My communication with them has gotten a lot better (they dont speak English) - and while its still baby talk at best.....for the first time.....I am able to carry on simple conversations with them.

It brings tears to my eyes bc this is so important to me. And I know it means a lot to my husband. And to them.

As I sat there, laughing and joking with them, I felt pure happiness. That deep deep feeling that doesnt come around too too often....but when it does its overwhelming and you realize that this is why life is so important. To be with people you love, who love you deeply.....to be wrapped in those arms of love. It is, and I'll say it again.....overwhelming.....there are no words.

And being around this love, it makes you want to be the best person you can be. It makes you want to love all your loved ones. To tell them how great they are. How much you admire them, are grateful for them.

Ok. So I've had a few too many glasses of wine --

I can see why artists like Hemingway and others were alcoholics......

Sometimes, a girl has got to let her hair down ---

:)

European Update

I have my first audition tomorrow in Europe! Woot-Woot!

Since I've been here - its been a mix of sleeping off the jetlag, relaxing and emailing. (yes I am on email - its kind of impossible not to be)

By being able to step out of my NYC life - and finding a little clarity - I'm feeling really good about things - taking the solo show forward, meeting some new folks here in Berlin. Going back to L.A.

Thank goodness we got a fellowship and were able to do this - the $$$ is out there folks! You just have to seek it out --

So, what is it that you want to do?? You do know that its possible right?? (just give it a try -- )

;)

Auf Wiedersehen!

I'm off to Europe TOMORROW and I feel like I have a million loose ends to tie up - mostly personal stuff!! Eeeeekkk!!!

But I'm REALLY looking forward to disconnecting from my life here (and the Internet, Facebook, Twitter, etc....) for a little while. My soul needs this.

While there I hope to take some meetings. Maybe. Part of me wants to do jack-shit. Maybe I'll do that instead?

I dont know - but I cant wait to decompress and clear my head.....& go with the flow.....

A friend of mine has an amazing website: www.nataliekim.com. This inspired me to step it up with my own - make it more fun. Oy. Whenever I can find the time to do THAT.....

;)

Its Easy Being Green

Some greener changes I've made:

- only wearing natural makeup (no added chemicals - you can find several lines at Sephora)

- water filters for both our kitchen sink ($150) & showerhead ($20). Yes, your showerhead. The skin absorbs water when we shower......we even purchased that one first bc of this (and the fact that it was only $20!!)

- eating way more organic food by way of the farmer's market

- using deodorant that ALLOWS me to sweat - but it does get rid of odor. I know: EWWW! That took some getting use to - sweating - but now I appreciate the fact that I am able to release toxins in my body through sweating - instead of clogging my pores with a generic brand of deo that doesnt allow me to cleanse my body through sweating.

- I just bought plastic containers that are chemical free. From our new favorite home store: Green Depot

Words of Wisdom

Never complain. Never explain.

--Katherine Hepburn

9/11 Reminders -

I realized this morning as I was writing - that I dont express myself enough.

I was thinking about this as I acknowledged that its 9/11 today. Thinking of all those poor people who lost loved ones. I cant imagine what that is like and I really feel for them. Deeply.

There are no words.....

9/11 is what really pushed me to be an actress. And to live more fully. To NOT get caught in the trap of a 9 to 5 job that I dont like. To NOT make life commitments I dont want to make bc they are conventional and what "everyone is doing."

Besides, I'm an Aries.....its in our blood NOT to play it safe.....and to stretch our boundaries.

If I pumped out 2 or 3 kids at a young age, owning 2 cars, having a morgage, a big fat house...I'd be dead - alive, but not really here. Or at least deeply depressed.

That's not to say one cant be happy doing those things. My best friend from high school - this is pretty much her life and she is incredibly happy. Life is about finding what makes your soul purrrr....what makes you the best human being you can possibly be. Taking the more traditional route fills this friend of mine with such joy that she'd be crazy NOT to do it.

Its just that it would have been suicide for me. Somehow I knew this and I had to listen to it.

When 9/11 happened, I was working for a corporation at the time, full time. I had just arrived to NY a little over a year before 9/11. It was my "just for now" job. I sat at my desk, a few days after 9/11....with tears in my eyes bc yes, of what had happened. But mostly bc this tragedy made me realize I was not living the life I wanted to live. I was going into another mundane meeting about whether or not the blue shirt should be placed next to the red shirt or not...(I worked in fashion).....and I wanted to shoot myself. This was surely NOT the way I was going to live my life fully.

Long story short. Out of tragedy can come something beautiful. For me, 9/11 helped me find the courage to live my life with more purpose. And its with gratitude for that wake up call that I remember this day and think of those who lost a loved one.

Back to my initial statement of "not expressing myself enough." Yeah. I dont. The solo show has been great. But there is a lot more where that came from and I've got to let it out or I will go nuts. So here I go. I want to continue on with the solo shows. But there's a lot more I want to do too.

Focused energy. Here I come.

A Career Highlight

Did I mention this already? I was nominated through the festival I just participated in with my solo show for Best Actress and Best Solo Show. Pretty awesome!

The ceremony was last night. When I got there I was actually really nervous. Uncomfortable. The ceremony was a bigger deal than I expected....it was in a really nice theater and a semi-dressy occasion. And what girl doesnt like to get dressed up from time to time? ;)

We took our seats and I swear I thought I was going to throw up. I really would have liked to have won the Best Actress category. That would have really meant something to me. But, I didnt. But once they announced that one and I at least knew the result - I could breath more easily. We didnt win Best Solo Show either - which would have been pretty cool too. BUT - we did win the audience award - over ALL those other shows. That's pretty incredible. Our teeny tiny production winning over plays with a cast and crew of 20 or more. And we were a tiny group of 5 - with me being the only performer! And we won the producer's award too, for having the biggest houses in our venue. That is pretty terrific too. I have to say, between me and the rest of my team, we were really good about getting people to come to the show - and with all the options one has for entertainment in this town - is no small task!!

My friend who came with us, as pure support.....said she almost cried when I gave my acceptance speech. (which I did not plan or think about - risking sounding like a blubbering ding ding --). Trust me, you will not remember ANYONE'S name up there - unless you go over them beforehand. I didnt even attempt any names, other than my director's and my producer's.

It was a lot to take in.....being there.....when all I really wanted to do in the beginning of all this was take a writing class. I knew I had something inside that needed to come out.

Funny how life works, isnt it??

So. What is that uncomfortable thing that is eating at you?? GO DO IT. :)

Getting Inspired by Other Artists -- A Good Pick-Me-Up

Yesterday I woke up and I dont know why, but I was in a funk. I feel such guilt when this happens bc I know I have an ass load to be thankful for.

I was feeling down and I realized it was because a lot of people hadnt gotten back to me on some things I was waiting on. Mostly a couple of mentors hadnt responded to help I wanted about my solo show, I was feeling really overwhelmed and scared at the thought of taking the show further. Like fuck. How am I gonna do this?? A director I met that I want to meet up with in Berlin hadnt responded to me, I missed the deadline for a festival I was wanting to get into and was waiting to hear if I could submit late, and so on....

And I realized that this too is part of the kind of life I want to live. Along come the downs, and then there are ups and then downs again. I was simply in a "down." And feeling really really uncomfortable about continuing on with my show. I was to go that night to a certain organization to pitch my show - seeking help, and it was really the last thing I felt like doing. I wanted to go home and crawl under my covers and hide. But I knew I'd never forgive myself for doing this - and if I was so uncomfortable and scared - well, its something I surely need to face.

So I went.

And a woman came up to me afterwards and said "your pitch was very real. very honest." And she gave me a lead on a theater that I could pitch my show to. And then someone else came up to me and gave me another lead......and so on.....

I left this meeting feeling really really inspired. It was just the pick me up I needed - to see familiar faces in my artistic community, to reconnect with them - to listen to other people's pitches - to hear about what is going on outside of my "solo show bubble." :)

I turned on my ipod, listening to my Michael Jackson tunes. And I felt happy. I was walking down the streets of Chinatown smiling to myself. That meeting had lifted me up!

Living Uncomfortably --

That's what one of my first acting teachers use to tell us all the time: you need to live more uncomfortably.....

Fuck. Really?

So I am. I have decided to take my solo show on the road - to universities and to theaters outside of New York. And its really making me have to reach out to people for help, talk up my show, believe in my work and that I have a message worth spreading -- YIKES!!!

I feel pretty excited about all of this and pretty vulnerable. And scared. And excited all over again - I'm looking into the great unknown.....!!!

Hello there F-E-A-R! You are in my face yet again....

I am also putting the wheels in motion to be a global, triple threat. (acting-writing-producing) We are going to Europe for a month soon for work - I plan to start to lay some roots out there, work wise. And I also want to be in L.A. for part of the year.

At first when I decided this, I thought: how absurd! You cant live and work in NY, L.A. and Europe....who do you think you are??

Oh yes, I can. Watch me. ;)

I ♥ NY

After I worked on my monologues tonight - I went for a stroll by the Hudson River, on the west side of Manhattan. I was just off the theater district. The big open sky and the sunset were calling my name.....I ran into the Intrepid - a ship that is anchored off the Hudson River and @ 45th Street. I've never been there before. Its a museum and although it was closed, I walked along its grounds, which are new, I believe. There's a touristy restaurant, a garden and a nice stretch of sidewalk leading up to the water. Oh and a dog park.

There's also a water park for kids (cant adults go too??). I sat near the water for a while on a bench watching kayaker's coast by (bless them!) and the big open sky in a pale orange melting into pale blue. It was so calming and I felt such peace. An ok'ness with being exactly where I am right now. It felt really nice....

I searched for a pen to write and damn it, can you believe I didnt have one? Me? I ALWAYS have a trusty writing pen on me....

But maybe the point was just to take in the moment?

As I made my way back to the subway....I passed theaters I have worked in, cafe's I've met other actors and writers in to gab.....and wouldnt you know it: The Actor's Studio, where I use to visit more often......

And I had that "I ♥ NY" moment - that moment right out of the movies where you fall in love with this big, beautiful city. And I realized, that maybe, I finally am truly a New Yorker?

Maybe.

♥

Life is Precious

A friend of a friend found out her husband has an incurable cancer. And they were married 2 years ago - same as me and my husband.

Life is really precious, you know??

I will think twice before I ever complain about my husband ----

Sending this couple good energy --

Do something nice for your loved one today, ok??

Keeping Positivity in Your Life & Focusing

Lately I feel like I really need to safeguard myself from Debbie downers. And obsessive actor-types....(again)

I noticed I'm transitioning. I love being around my friends who have children. Or are preggo. They seem to have priorities other than career and to really appreciate life and live in the moment. They have wisdom and stillness. And I crave that right now.

I love my career. I love what I do and I feel truly blessed that I am able to do it. And that I have a partner I can share all this with. But my career is not my everything. Its a fraction of who I am. Its interesting - the more that things go well career-wise, the more I want to focus on my personal life. I feel good about where things are at right now. Like I can sit back (well, sorta.....) and breath and enjoy my accomplishments.

Every day is a challenge when you are living a life in the arts. Juggling everything is extremely challenging, money is a pain in the arse sometimes. Dont think that just because things are going well right now that I dont have these issues sometimes. Do your best to keep it real, keep it light!

All I can say is hang in there. And the biggest lesson I've learned recently, and its hard for me too....is to focus. Its easy to get really distracted. So choose one thing you want to do and do it well. This year for me it was my solo show....and that went well - I was fortunate -- I know.

Oh, and have fun. That would be numero uno on the list -- :)

Film Fest in CA, Michael Jackson & Time for a Change

I'm back from a trip to the west coast - visiting family and going to a film festival. I also got to spend some time with a high school friend I hadnt seen in almost 15 years. That was really nice. We laid around Malibu beach together, had seafood at a shack on Malibu beach. It was AWESOME!

And I visited Michael Jackson's grave. Which truthfully, was pretty anti-climactic. Its in a huge mausoleum and they wont let you go inside. But there was an area with a bunch of flowers and stuff dedicated to him - from people all over the world. It was pretty amazing to see the international showing of everyone who came and left things for him. Lots of homemade stuff too that people had put their hearts into. Really sweet.

While I was out there I found out I was nominated for Best Actress and Best Solo Show in the festival I was just in. YAY!

Now I'm back in NYC and I feel depressed. It was really nice being in those sunny skies on the west coast. Not one day of bad weather the whole time I was there. I want to spend more time out there. I NEVER thought I'd say this. But I do. NYC kind of depresses me lately. I feel pressure when I am here. And, I'm bored. I feel like a need a change.

I am hoping to take my solo show out to the west coast by next spring - and that would be a good chance for me to go out and lay some roots. I'm going bi-coastal, baby!

Reasons to Do a Solo Show

- To challenge yourself in every way imaginable

- To scare yourself in every way imaginable and to learn to face your fears and come out stronger in the end (and you all know by now I am a big fan of observing and facing my fears)

- To put yourself in a place of EMPOWERMENT!!

- To put yourself in a position of being a DOUBLE threat: writer and actor (and a triple threat if you do end up producing it too!)

- To see what you are capable of

- To meet other people - I've made a lot of new friends and professional contacts from doing this.

- To get reviewed

- To become a stronger actor

- To keep working. You CANNOT sit around waiting for your phone to ring --

- And trust me, you'll NEVER have a moment of boredom!

Clarity -

Damn. I was just reading my last blog entry. Which was all over the place. I am on vacation right now - visiting family - so at the moment I have some clarity. Ha. Thank god. I needed this.

I DON'T WANT to start a theater company! Who I am kidding? All that responsibility??? Shoot me NOW!

I am in love with the romantic idea of starting one. I love what The Group did back in the 30's. I love the idea of going off to camp, into the woods and working on theater. But that's it!!

And I really love theater. I want to do more.

Thank god. Now I know where I stand with that. Its NOT a creative U-turn for me. The solo show was.

I would love to join a theater group. One that is newish - so I have a chance to get in and work and be a part of its growth. The ones that are more "established?" They are DONE. You won't get in with them. You just won't. They have their core people, and unless you are a celeb who can bring folks in - forget it. And how exciting would it be anyway to be a part of something from its early stages?? How cool would that be?

Ok. Putting my antennae on for that one --

Balance, Creative U-turns and The Group Theater

I'm still really struggling with the 2 sides of me: the one side that needs to rest, chillax, reflect.....and the other that wants to DO DO DO DO DO.

Where is the balance?

I'll tell you where it is for me: by going to yoga. by sitting by the water. writing. being with my husband and family (thank god we are going to see them soon). I am feeling really out of sorts recently......that thing in me is really gnawing at me today. I need to move onto the next project. Although I dont feel I've fully recovered from this one. I do feel rested. Physically. But my mind is everywhere. I have intense urges to write and I just havent made the time. But yeah, I really want to get back to that.

That thing keeps coming up to - I mentioned a WHILE ago. It comes up a couple of times a year. About doing my own thing. My own theater company. I've always wanted that, but I really fear the responsibility. And I know I dont want to do it right now. Or at least not full on. But in SOME way. I went to a fundraiser tonight for a friend who has started her own thing - and while I'm sure she has her own "fear" demons to deal with - she looked great and I was really impressed with what she has set out to accomplish. What impressed me the most is that she seems to simply have ideas of what she wants to do - and a first project in line - but other than that - no set plan. And I LOVE that. I've always felt if I did this I'd have to have tons of money and a whole first season planned out.....

I just realized: this is my "creative U-turn." I was reading The Artist's Way yesterday. And she talks about this. When we start something and get scared and "U-turn." God I'm so aware of my U-turns. Times I got scared and ran like hell. The solo show was one of them. I ran from that several years ago. And then I came back in the last year and confronted that fear.

BAM!! I am patting myself on the back. I realize I havent really rewarded myself for doing this. I will. Soon.

And remember. U-turns and fears are good. They tell us where we need to go.

So, maybe I could come up with a company name, and put together a reading? And that's it! I'd love to do what my friend is doing or be part of that - inspired by The Group.....bringing a group of artists together and going into the woods to create and inspire and work on material.....and then bringing this back to NYC -- but MY OWN version of this. I'm certainly not out to copy someone else. But to be inspired.

FYI: The Group - (read The Fervent Years - a theater must read. I admit, they throw a lot of names out there that you might not have heard of - but its good to know. It was an important moment in our theater's history. Get familiar with this stuff! Its important if you are an actor to know the legacy that you are carrying on....)

Its a Wrap -

So, my solo show closed yesterday. I am so many things right now: relieved, excited, happy, content.....and feeling like there is a lot of work to be done as far as following up with people, thanking people, using my good reviews to garner more work and visibility for myself and looking into other places to do my show......although that thought, right now, is seriously exhausting.

But that's the thing isnt it? We are always hungry for more......The show wasnt even over and I was already thinking, ok what's next and having a little anxiety. So I know my personal work for the next few days is to be ok with being right where I am. To relish this moment - the personal and professional success of the show (which I'll get into later) and to REST. More than anything: I really need to rest.

I am so friggin TIRED I could die. I am exhausted in every way imaginable. My body aches, my mind is buzzing and my thoughts are all over the place. Doing this show was like a freaking exorcism. I really challenged myself and pushed myself as far as I could go. And I learned a TON (more on that later too).

Right now, I just need to take a nap. And this week I need to be out in the sun. And to go to a yoga class and begin to "rehabilitate" my body and my mind.....

I am going to see family soon and I am REALLY looking forward to getting away - and frankly my body and mind both need this. I need to shut down and be with loved ones....

But right now - its nap time! As much as I want to work - that workaholic in me wants to run around like a crazy woman - I know my artist needs rest - I need to "fill the well" as the author of The Artist's Way puts it --

(if you havent done The Artist's Way - its a must!)

So here I go. See ya, workaholic part of me. I need my rest!

Where the Help in Dealing With My Fears Came From -

My yoga class.

My teacher talks about dealing with your fears and living uncomfortably all the time. And living fully.

Gosh I dont even know how long I've been going to this class. A couple of years?? And these days I have only 3 teachers I'll go to. I am picky these days about who I take class with, bc for me its very much a spiritual practice. My religion. Where I go to sort myself out.

I'd been wanting to tell my teacher about my show....bc he had so much to do with me doing it, really. He's helped me to look my fears in the face. But each time after class, he always has a crowd of people standing around, wanting to talk to him.....and I felt like such a groupie with my postcard in hand wanting to share it with him. So alas I never did..... :(

But the other day, with only one show left, BEFORE class I had the opportunity and I ceased it. And it felt really good to share this moment with him. I realized it wasnt even about inviting him, "filling a seat" in the theater.....it wasnt about that at all. I didnt even have a postcard to give him - I didnt talk about the material or when it was happening and I didnt even invite him (lord knows he probably gets invited to tons of stuff). None of that stuff mattered at that moment. I told him how I was doing this show, and so much of the reason why I was able to do it was bc I'd been going to his classes. How his classes helped me to look my fears in the face, and how scared I was each time I went on. But I did it anyway.

And he said...."ah, you are out there representing --- " :)

It was a moment of pure connection with someone I dont really know that well but who has given me so much......we arent "friends" or anything like that.....I suppose we are kindred spirits in that we try to deal with fear daily - to look it in the face -- and to keep moving toward it, instead of hiding from it and going for what's most comfortable.

You Won't Be Loved By All - & That's OK!

Gosh, I am feeling really content right now. Fulfilled. Happy. And fortunate to feel this way -

I just made it through my 3rd and 4th solo show in the festival. The 3rd one was in a really good time slot - and the audience was amazing. The 4th one was in a tougher time slot, and while I had a really good turn out - they were SO QUIET compared to my 3rd show!

I learned from this that you have to just keep moving - keep doing your thing. Stay focused. If you arent getting laughs - and I know this in theory - it doesnt mean people arent enjoying themselves and along for the ride with you -

There was a guy in the front row who looked completely annoyed the whole time. I really wanted to stop and say "hey, if you want to leave......the door is this way.....no hard feelings!" He kept shifting in his seat, and looking at the floor. Did ya HAVE to sit in the front row, dude??

And I admit, it threw me. I got very insecure. Unsure of myself. I felt like I was offending him somehow --

But I kept moving - cause I had NO CHOICE! And who knows - you can have folks starring you down the whole time, looking at you blankly - and they really actually connect to your piece. Although I really dont think this guy did. And that's ok. One thing I'm really learning (which again, in theory I already knew) is that you WON'T be loved by all. Some folks will connect with you - and some just wont.

And you just have to keep moving - keep telling your story - keep doing your thing -

The Switch

I've had a week's break from the show. Its in a festival, so the schedule is really sporadic.

I've spent this time marketing the show: sending info to casting directors, managers (I am courting a new manager), reminding friends and peers (Facebook, email, texting, calls....), hanging posters around the city, laying out postcards, etc.....

Oh, and finally opening our big pile of mail and paying bills.

Now I am slowly dipping back into performance mode. I go up again day after tomorrow. So I spent tonight running lines, walking through the piece. And yes of course the fear is there - will I be able to do it again? what if I'm not emotionally available, what if "they" dont like it, dont like me, etc......all that stuff.

So I remind myself that this is all part of it. This fear. Fear of hitting your mark (or not). And I know I need to slow down, turn my producer's brain off and allow myself to "sink" back into the piece. Find the characters. Find my trust in that I am enough. I have done enough for this piece. I dont have to push. I just have to trust myself 100%. And basically, turn on some good preparation music and chillax.....the producing part of this has to come to and end so the performer can take over.

The Difference between Performance #1 and #2

The first one was DYNO-MITE! It was electrifying - probably partially bc I was so nervous that those nerves gave me such energy - I had so many friends in the crowd - and it was terrific to look out there and see so many familiar faces - They cracked up the whole way - in places where I thought, "really? is that funny???"

Needless to say, it was a BRILLIANT start!

Then performance #2 came - and boy oh boy.....they made me work for it. They were so quiet. At moments when they were "suppose" to laugh......crickets. I was like, "damn, wasnt that funny??" One woman in the second row even started nodding off - my first sleeper. Its happened to every performer and my director had warned me: "just see....at one of your shows you will have some old person falling asleep in the front row....." when I saw her nodding off, I would make my way over to her and scream my lines toward her to wake her up......the crowd was older too - and simply more quiet. It was a good exercise in telling my story ANYWAY - to all those blank faces, no matter what.......

But, even still, the crowd seemed happy - I talked to most people afterwards and they had really nice things to say. It was just a different crowd from the night before. My producer said that when everyone left the theater - they walked out smiling - a good sign!

Happy or not: I just have to do my thing and not get too caught up in "what everyone thinks." This is about my lessons, my journey, my growth. But, I do admit, a happy audience is a NICE side note......

Solo show: performance phase

Well shit. Where do I begin?

We had our first show tonight and it was a blast. Gosh, there was so much happening leading up to it: my producer's father passed away, then our production coordinator's grandmother. Our tech girl got sick (but she did make it to the the tech rehearsal thank god), quarrels with the husband......oh lord, what else?

On the upbeat side of things: I have really grown so much so far from this experience. I am a more confident actress. I've had some REALLY good press hits about the show - seems that the topic I am writing and performing about is interesting to people. (who knew? I just happened to put my life on paper.....because I needed to.....)

The fear has constantly been there. And I know that its a good thing. Being scared. I cant say I really enjoy the fear - but when its there I know that I am onto something good. Something real. That there will be growth. So part of me really craves this fear, really needs it.

On the subway ride to the theater....I was sitting there thinking "why am I doing this? WHY??" I thought, for the first time in my performance life...that I would literally throw up before going out on stage. The one thing that kept me going in those moments was that I knew I had an interesting story to tell - and I know that from somewhere deep in my heart, in my gut....I need to tell it. I dont know why - its unexplainable. But I need to do it.

One thing I have really noticed - is when I am doing things for outward approval vs. when I am doing them for my inward need, for something deeper. And right now I am talking specifically about craft. When I go outward, I fall flat on my face....my acting is ugh! But when I go "inward" when I remember who these characters are, and when I really place myself in the circumstance (and not in my head trying to please an audience, get to a certain emotion, make the circumstance something its not, etc) and just allow each moment to be as truthful as it can be.....that's when the beauty can happen. Its a shift. Mostly in my mind. But at the same time, your acting will fluctuate between going outward and inward - and as long as you can feel when you are going "outward" (you are usually self conscious, in your head or aware that the moment is a suicide mission) and then reel yourself back in.....you'll be ok. So, its not about perfection, but about going easy on yourself, taking note and learning. And these days I am really learning.

I saw an article once where Meryl Streep (who is known to not like talking about her craft) said: "its all there. whatever I need is all there." And I thought, "well that's real easy for you to say, Meryl Streep!!!" But for the first time in my "craft life," I get what she's saying. Again, its a shift in my mindset. In the past I would STRESS: am I there? Am I where I need to be??? But as long as I've done the work (and trust me, I have done the work for this one)....I get what she's saying. You cant sit around and fret. There comes a point when you have to relax into it - and that is a HUGE shift for me. I've RARELY been relaxed about it.

I'm actually on stage having fun and trusting myself!

Am I worried about my next performance? You bet I am! But, I know exactly what I need to do to be ready, and once I'm ready - I can fly -

How bout them apples?!

The Show Must Go On

I just got a message that my tech person - may not make it to tech rehearsal today --

It will be interesting to see how a tech rehearsal runs without a tech person there ---

oy.

When It Rains, It Pours....and then Crickets....& so on....

Such is the life of being a thriving person in the arts. I'm finding myself incredibly slammed lately, out of no where. And then I'll have moments when its REALLY quiet - and that's usually when I go off and create something (hello? like a solo show --) to give me some satisfaction and to keep me sane.

Our apt has turned into quite the creative hub! This happened during my "blogging break," but we shot another short film...this one we are strictly producing...which was hard on both me and my husband. We're not used to purely producing. It was a lesson in humility. It was hard to sit back and watch someone else direct, someone else act. But, I kept telling myself: this is a really good film with a phenominal cast (one being Oscar nominated)...so in the long run its worth it for our production company. And who's complaining? It was a great opportunity and a great experience. (oh, except for THAT one person on set who drives everyone nuts!! but otherwise, the cast and crew were amazing!!) ;0)

So these days, the husband is now editing that film out of our home.....I am madly at work on my solo piece....which has taught me so many lessons in patience, trust, humility....oh and did I mention patience? ....and keeping my faith. We have an assistant who comes over almost every day and she's awesome - and she helps us with all our projects and we basically just enjoy having her around.....its a great working vibe --

And I know, that of course, the crickets will come again -- they just do. But I've been doing this long enough to know that its all like water - it ebbs and flows - the tide rushes in....and then it pulls back again.....

And I am so grateful for the rain and then the crickets....although I do PREFER the rain, I must admit. :) :) :)

Cate Blanchett in Streetcar

I was just reading an article about Cate Blanchett -and I realized I never blogged about watching her work live not too long ago.

She was performing Street Car Named Desire, the role of, yes, Blanche Dubois. We had FRONT ROW tickets - I'd been calling about the performances months before tickets ever went on sale. I called in the MINUTE they went on sale. WHAT A NIGHT at the theater. And that, my friend, was so worth it. If you ever get the chance to see her live, you must go.

All I can say is.....what a performance. And we all know the role of Blanche is the Mt Everest of all roles. She went beyond nailing it. I finally understood, as I watched this performance, everything Blanche is feeling...why she does the things she does. I walked out of the theater charged. With a big smile on my face....

I wish I knew how Cate works. But then again, I have my own process and hers probably wouldnt even work for me. It was so much fun during the scene transitions to watch her sail across the stage with such grace, surely in her element.

Thank God for actors like that. That make you want to reach for your own stars. I hope I get to work with her one day cause she is da bomb, yo -

Solo show days -

Here's what my days are like lately:

- Get up, write my morning pages

- meditate (maybe)

- answer emails: to the festival, to my publicist, my producer, etc

- get on Facebook and make some sort of announcement about the show, respond to messages

- go to yoga (maybe)

- do one personal thing: pick up repaired boots, drop off something at dr's office, etc

- prepare for rehearsal

- rehearsal

- come home, answer emails

- rework my writing and rehearsal notes

- TV (maybe)

Oh. I do eat in there. Somewhere.

Apprehensively Putting It "Out There"

There's a balance between art and commerce. In my humble opinion.

I try to be balanced. The creative part is very easy for me. I like creating. I like putting up a show, working on a script, shooting a film......its the other stuff that's a little tougher.

I'm experiencing anxiety today over telling people about my show. I get afraid that they wont come and that I'll take it personally and I know that I shouldnt take it personally, but its hard not to. Doing this show has put me in such a vulnerable place. My material is SO PERSONAL - that's the beauty of solo shows - what always drew me to going to watch them.....and then further drew me in to actually getting the insane notion of doing one myself. So I have to admit, today I was very sensitive when I got messages from people who could not come to the show. Especially industry folks that I would have liked to have come see it. I've worked really hard on it and I think its really special.

Whatever happened to watching a show just for the sake of watching a show? Why does it have to be about whether or not a celebrity is involved, did it win a Tony, etc?? GOD - I just feel like if I were a name people couldnt resist coming. And that really frustrates me bc I am a damned good actress.

Now I know why, some actors I really admire - they dont get involved in courting industry. They just do their thing as far as honing their craft. I try to balance the 2. I havent courted industry in a while since I've been really only producing my own stuff in the last year. But now that I am courting industry a little bit with this show - I'm having reminders of the frustration and heartache this can bring. It makes one want to go hide in the "creative" side of things. And not deal with all the other stuff.

But - I do know there must be balance. I have to get over all that. Invite them - if they come great, if they dont, well that's great too. Who cares? As my husband reminded me while I was venting to him: DO IT YOUR SHOW FOR YOU. FORGET EVERYONE ELSE.

So, yeah. I'll invite who I need to invite, but at the end of the day, its about MY GROWTH. And besides, plenty of people ARE coming - I'm just getting hung up on the few that can't.

I'm gonna do this thing for me. Damn it!

Fear and Sanity

Today in yoga class the teacher made an interesting comment:

He talked about how he just taken up rock-climbing, but recently he'd hit a wall as to how far he could go/how good he could get. And then he realized he was afraid of falling and that was what was holding him back. Once he let go of that fear - he got better.

And I realized that this is why I am doing this solo show: because I am terrified of it. So I know I need to do it - I need to face this fear of putting myself out there, opening up freely. A solo show, bc they are usually so personal (and mine is) will make you deal with this. Make you open up. Hang out all your dirty laundry. And its the dirty laundry that people usually connect to anyway - that stuff that makes us all human.

So, no matter what the outcome of doing this piece (the outcome is not the point) - I know that doing this is important to the evolution of my soul, both as a human being and an actress. How I keep myself happy and sane.

By doing the insane.

Say a Prayer for my Producer

We had a really good production meeting tonight for my solo show. Things are starting to really fall into place.

Then my producer called and said that her father had an aneurism while she was with me at the meeting - and that the doctor said it looked "grave." He may not even make it through the night...

Can you believe it? And her father is a healthy, active man.

So, say a prayer for her. Or a good thought. Or a chant. She is a good good person and I adore her and dont want to see her in pain....

;)

A Marriage in the Arts Ain't So Easy --

Gosh. This solo show thing isnt easy. I know, I know. I'm being redundant -

Being married to another person in the arts isnt easy either. Gosh, ...it can be incredibly difficult. Or maybe that's just marriage? I am married to a good man. Who is very stubborn and opinionated. And so am I. ;) Oy. That doesnt always make for an easy household. And I dont know what advice I can offer here.....sometimes I think it would be easier to be married to someone who is not in the arts.....but my girlfriend who isnt says she really misses having a collaborator - that sometimes being in the arts alone is an uphill battle for her. So, yes, I can say - its nice to be with someone who "gets" that stuff. That you can talk to about that - bounce ideas off of one another.

I think that's just marriage. I'm finding it incredibly difficult at times. They say its hard work. It is. And I'm finding it doesnt get easier - living with another person, pursuing your dreams while they are pursuing their own. Having respect for one another, supporting one another's work but then also not getting upset when the other cannot fully "be there" for you due to their own work schedule. And then throw a kid into the mix.....I dont have one yet....but I often wonder how we can possibly do this? They say there is no good time - and that you figure it out as you go.....

As much as I do like my life.....I know that I am seriously fortunate and that I have a terrific man in my life....I often think of my single life. How independent I was. How I made my own money, and I somehow was getting by. I rented the movies I wanted, when I wanted. I cooked for myself. Painted my walls the color I wanted them. Put things where I wanted them to go. Left things out if I wanted to. Left the dishes pile up if I wanted to. Now there has to be a conversation about EVERYTHING and its making me crazy!!!!!!

So, I guess my point is: there are pro's and con's to both sides. When I was single I thought "oh, it'd be so nice to be settled down, in a relationship." Its all perspective, its all in enjoying EXACTLY WHERE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW.

So, single folks, relish your singlehood! There's plenty time to be married, and once you are that is a whole new chapter in one's life. I'm doing my best to relish being married, and most of the time I do.

I'd just be lying if I didnt admit that sometimes I get whistful when I think of that girl in her 20's, ready to conquer the world. When there were so many question marks. (And I do remember those question marks, while they seem so "romantic" right now.....they use to drive me crazy too - )

Grow, baby.....GROW!

Solo show this and that and taking care of YOU!

I'm plugging away at things - my website will be updated soon with my show info, I hired a publicist. My producer and director are SO AWESOME and I think we've found a tech person and stage manager. So things are falling into place.

One thing is: this is all EXPENSIVE!! I'm paying everyone - seems that in this economy its tough to find someone to work for free. But I do feel good about paying folks for their hard work. And I know that somehow the money will work itself out. I have started doing some online fundraising bc I really need the financial help. There are many orgs you can contact to help you fundraise for your project: Dance Theatre Workshop (you do not have to be a dancer), Fractured Atlas and The Field.

I decided tonight that I have to really take care of myself in the days leading up to this show. I'm going to yoga as much as possible, hopping on the treadmill daily, doing breathing exercises to support my voice and breath, and writing - not only on my piece, but for fun too. If I dont write I get really antsy. Oh and meditating. This may sound like a lot, but I'll do it when I can and then NOT be myself up if I can't go every day. I keep thinking of something I heard once: if you meditate for 30 minutes/day (and I dont....), when you are busy - you should meditate for an hour. The point being, in those periods of time when we think we are too busy to exercise, to go have fun, to meditate.....that's when you really SHOULD be doing these things. So, I'm gonna give that my best shot.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about WHY I'm doing this. I've been so caught up in the producing and promoting aspects that I feel I've sorta lost sight of that.....and I need to get back to that truth. So that I can connect to this show and that the audience connects with me -- more to come on that --

:)

turnaround

Today I woke up feeling really relaxed. I had really good dreams last night. :)

Once I started writing everything just sorta fell into place. I first wrote my 3 pages of "brain drain" that I do every morning, alla The Artist's Way. You figure out a lot in those 3 pages. Then, sure, I procrastinated on email and Facebook - but finally got down to doing a little writing. Once I did that my day was all clear. I was positive, lighter, happier......

So I rewarded myself by going downtown and taking a little nap on a bench by the water.

And you'll never believe what just happened. A major film production company is interested in my script! And this was all through the festival. So see, it really helps to put your work out there.

;)

Speaking of F-E-A-R ----

My solo show got into a festival. Can you believe it????

YIKES!!!! HOLY HELL!!!!!!

I didnt expect this. I submitted a half written script.....not really thinking too much about it. And - now it is in the festival - holy hell!!!

So for the last 3 weeks I've been chipping away at everything. I'm learning loads. I've learned that being in a festival basically means self producing. Yep, that's right. I'm self producing.....again....oy vey. While I'm grateful, after this, I am NOT PRODUCING ANYTHING for a while. I need to work on someone else's project!!!!! Obviously, I enjoy producing, and I am becoming more and more ok with that - I like having control - jesus! After this, I'm taking a much needed break from that world.....

I found an awesome director - my god this woman is so supportive! And I finally found a producer yesterday to take some of the producing tasks off my plate so I can focus on my writing (gotta finish the OTHER HALF of my piece!!! yikes!!!) and rehearsals. Thanka gawd!!

I'm finding this INCREDIBLY challenging. Didnt I say earlier this year that I wanted to be scared? Well, shit. I got it. I wake up each day stressed - so many things to do!!!! And as I write this - I'm realizing - I've gotta switch to finding my joy. I'm so filled with fear sometimes.

Ok. So...just breathe. And when a fearful thoughts comes in (bad review, my voice going out, the show being boring, appearing stupid for putting myself out there......), recognize that its just a thought....and let it go. One of my teacher's told me once, when those thoughts come up to simply say to yourself: so what??

And I know once I meet with my director on Friday, I'll be fine. Its kind of lonely out there doing a solo show - rehearsing alone.....so when I do meet with my director, and I can see my progress each week.....I feel like its all good. I'm seeing a kind of pattern. Meet with her on Fridays - and that goodness lasts me til about Monday. Then Monday to Thurs there's a real challenge for me to deal with my fears. Reading The Artist's Way really helps, especially the chapter on being blocked. I think its chapter 9 maybe 10. And yoga and meditation. And being really nice to myself - sitting by the river, taking myself out for sushi, etc.

Say a little prayer for me as I continue to look fear in the face. And do what I need to do anyway.

So what??

Just kiddin -

I lied. I'm not signing off. I took a break.

A friend of mine who reads this told me that it was inspirational, encouraging and real. And it would be a shame to stop giving my little bits of advice. So, with her support and encouragement - I'm back on. Did you miss me???

So, I'll continue to share my nuggets of "real" experience, of not only being an actress, but of being a woman, a budding writer, a spiritual and thoughtful being.....and my reflections on motherhood (no I am not pregnant but we do consider it), taking my place in this business and finding my balance throughout.

I am woman hear me roar! And I hope I can inspire you in some way. You've got to follow your passions - take big big risks. Forget how you "should" do things or what the other person is doing. Follow your own path and be true to that!

And, as always, another great quote:

Dont ask what the world needs....ask what makes you come alive...and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive....H. Thurman

Auf Wiedersehen!

I'm signing off -

This blog has filled its purpose. To allow me another venue in which I can express myself, and, hopefully, inspire. I've tried to be very real about the life of an up and coming actress in New York - to be very honest in that its extremely up and down.

I hope its been helpful in some way. I hope its encouraged one to follow their dreams. To take a risk. Risks dont come easy to ANY of us. Not even to those who appear to be fearless. They are simply more intimate with their fears. Fear tells us what we need to do next. It leads the way.

And I'll leave you with this: Keep your chin up. Surround yourself with good, positive people who believe in you. When something doesnt feel right, it probably isnt! Keep trusting your instincts.

And a story on fear:

My acting coach had a student who was terrified of flying. She had to work out on the west coast, then be in New York the next day for a television interview. She didnt know what to do bc she never flies. But she didnt want to miss either opportunity.

My acting coach's advice to her was :

Fly scared.

;)

Inspiration

Feeling really inspired after going to some of the screenings at the GenArt Film Fest.

www.genart.org

Saw some good films, had some cocktails, reconnected with some folks and met some new peeps - I'd forgotten how important and FUN it is to get out there and meet people and get inspired by other people's work.

And for me, indie films are where its at. THAT excites me.

What am I waiting on? Time to get out there and see more good work - go to more festival screenings.....I'm certainly living in the city to do it in --

Recheck - Keeping it Real

I am feeling a little lost tonight. I need to work.

Currently, I am with a great agency. That rarely sends me out. This is a problem.

While I do believe creating my own work is what will take me places, I feel imbalanced. I do want to be auditioning at least occasionally. I've had very few legit auditions this year (legit = TV/film/theater). That's pretty unimpressive. I parted ways with my last manager - which I totally do not regret - but the truth is that she did send me out. So now I have an agent who I'd like to send me out more and no manager. I've been in talks with a couple of managers - and I feel I need to step up that game and meet more people and then finally secure a new manager who will help get me out there more.

Its easy to feel out of control in this biz....and I feel I need to be back in control. I just need to start working on a project outside of the work I create for myself. Right now, I'm in the thick of writing my solo piece, which has taken an interesting turn. One that scares the be-jesus out of me. Good. Its good to be frightened. To feel alive. And we are starting preproduction for the film I am producing with my hubby. Its a meaty project that I know will take our production company places. So, I am pretty much tied up til early June. Arrrgghhhh! After that, I have want to find an acting gig outside of the work I do on my own. I need to work on someone ELSE'S project!

In the meantime, I've called up an actor I know who is super talented and he and I talk about working together all the time. Its time. Its time for me to get back in there and work my actor muscles.

Hit me up universe - I need to dive into another project. And please help me find a way to juggle it all: marriage, new apartment, earning a living AND living a creative life - finding good, meaty work and finding a manager/agency that really believes in me........

Creative Breakthroughs & Risks

Its happening! And I'm doing my best to go with it.

Creative Breakthrough #1 - Taking a risk in my writing

I have been blocked the last few days with my solo show writing. And I was well aware - but totally avoiding writing anyway.

I had class tonight, so this morning I wrote a little bc I had to have SOMETHING to read in class. (this is what is so great about class - you are accountable)

I've chosen to write about something very personal - that really makes me UNCOMFORTABLE. So when I read my piece - I was so upset, tears were streaming down my face - I was SO EMBARRESSED! But my lovely, supportive, wonderfully nurturing writing coach keeps coaxing me along. He's da bomb, yo. I've stretched myself so much over the last year thanks to this man - doing things I was in the past so scared to do. Well, I'm still scared - but now I just do it anyway. I have a better understanding that this is a necessary part of the process. I've really grown both artistically and as a person. I'm actually looking forward to writing this week - to spending more time writing. Hell, that's another great thing about class - you have to keep up with the others. And my classmates are really really terrific --

Creative Breakthrough #2 - Taking my monologue out on the town!

Remember how much I have obsessed about doing monologues in the past?? Well, guess what? I've never heard any actor say: "Gee, I really love doing monologues. They are fun." Truthfully, they are very awkward - but necessary if you want to do theater. After working with my friend BD the other day on them, I've been looking for submissions that require a mono for the audie -to give myself the opp to continue "slaying this demon," as my old acting teacher use to put it. I went to a mono audition today - and my monologue was really well received. We worked on it 3 times - and it felt really good to feel confident about my work. I've grown in this way too. I can take constructive feedback and use it as best as I can to my advantage. I go easier on myself these days. And guess what? I booked the part! Its a reading of a screenplay on Saturday -- THIS IS A MAJOR VICTORY - and I know better than to think otherwise. This victory is VERY SIGNIFICANT to my artistic growth.

Taking a big big risk:

I was offered the lead in a SAG feature film. By a director I adore - who is such a big supporter of my work and really talented. But, I knew, right from the start....my gut told me: Not this time. I need to risk. I need to work with different people, I need to keep my calendar open to work of a higher caliber (exposure-wise), and I need to add new creative liasions to my working reperatoire. I knew that if I took this project, I would be the "big fish in a smaller pond," whereas I NEED to be scared - I need to work with folks that make me feel I have to run to keep up. I need to stretch myself and see what greater heights I am capable of.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not always certain of this decision.....every actor at the end of the day just wants to work.....but I'm into listening to my gut these days.

I'm getting a little better at that. :)

It actually feels good to be so uncomfortable lately - I feel like I'm feeling my pulse again --

Naomi Watts is da bomb, yo!

I watched Naomi Watts (LOVE HER!!) on YouTube on Inside the Actor's Studio.

One thing she said that brought tears to my eyes was when she spoke of the times she thought of giving up. (Its segment #4 if you dont want to watch the whole thing) When she would believe the feedback she would receive from casting directors....the thoughts of "I'm not talented, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not this, I'm not that...." How you start to believe that junk, it starts to fuck with you --

But, she hung in there and look at where she is today --

Brimming, Grooving & Humming

Today was glorious!

The super came over and did some more repairs to the apt - even if the kinks arent all worked out, the super and landlord do seem to be making efforts (as long as you stay on their asses!). I feel really lucky to have such an awesome super. He's da bomb, yo.

I met with a friend and worked on 2 of my monologues, and she did the same. We actually had FUN! It felt really good to start to get over this demon. I have an audition tomorrow and another on Wed in which I will use these for. I was so much more relaxed in my work. Less result oriented. Less fretful. So much more confident.

And I went to the gym - enough said about that victory.

Then I went to a "tenant's rights" meeting for my neighborhood. Apparently, living in this part of Brooklyn, a lot of people have problems with their buildings. As dorky as this might sound - I loved it! It felt nice to be part of the community, and most of all, TO MEET NEW PEOPLE. Something I've really been craving.

And I noticed my attitude has changed. I submit myself for auditions when I can and where it makes sense. My calendar is pretty full, so I cant and dont want to submit for everything in town. And I feel really good about it. When I hear of a good TV/theater or film audition, I send my agent an email. And that's that.

I would really love to do some good theater --

And my first Fair Trade order shipped out yesterday - from SouthEast Asia. I'll be ready to set up shop the first weekend in April, which is also my birthday weekend. I think its rather auspicious, to be "giving birth" to a company on the weekend of the celebration of my birth.

Wee-Hee!

I'm brimming, I'm grooving, I'm humming along --

Enjoying the Questions As Much As the Answers.....

That is advice given from the poet Rainer Maria Rilke from a book given to me by one of my beloved directors. Its called "Letters to a Young Poet." I love this book!

Lately I'm trying to really listen to that. My whole world is changing, mostly because of the work I'm doing in The Artist's Way. My friendships are changing, my environments I put myself in are changing, my outlook about my work and how I go about it are changing, and where I place my time too.

Hell, I just moved, so even my physical living situation has changed. I know, I really trust, that there is a deep need within me for all this change. I've been really out of sorts at times. Really scared and confused. I know its because I am letting go of the old and awaiting the new.

So, instead of racing toward an answer, something to firmly grasp onto - I am doing my best to "enjoy the questions."

Damn, its unsettling --

Chillax, already!

Do you ever feel like things are going well - you're pretty happy and pretty carefree....

And then you go out into the world and get bombarded by people. I've noticed how a lot of people are subtley negative - and its just exhausting to be around. I know very few actors who are chill. Many of them that you run into start to do a monologue about what THEY are up to. THEM THEM THEM THEM THEM. Sometimes I find it interesting and even endearing, and I try to have some compassion because lord knows I've been that person myself. But man, its really hard for me to be around these days.

I want to be around confident, helpful artists. The kind that DON'T exhaust you talking about themselves, the kind that really do pay attn when you talk to them, that aren't thinking about what they have to do next to further their career. That have other interests.

Does this mean I might as well leave New York?? I just think there's more to life than the biz. And I want to be around people who have OTHER interests. Who are chillaxed. I want to be a well-rounded human being.

Boy, I would never survive in LA. I hear EVERYONE there is about the biz.

I think I need to make it a point to be around non-actors these days -- to protect my artist. To be a more well-rounded, happy person.

Emily Blunt & Basketweaving Artists (who knew??)

First of all, Emily Blunt rocks!!

I just saw "The Young Victoria" tonight. Alone. I took myself on a date. After a yoga class, I ate at the cafe at the yoga studio. Then I went to an old book store just off of Union Square - Alabaster Books. I found this really cool book about, you're gonna laugh: basketweaving. It was actually really interesting and what I liked the most were the artist profiles - where various basketweaving artists from all over the world were asked questions about process, risking, etc. I realized that what they were saying can be applied to any art form.

One question that was asked in which I loved some of the answers was:

"Do you call yourself a basketweaver?"

Here were some snipets of answers I found I could apply to my artistic endeavors:

"I dont call myself a basketweaver. I no longer feel I have to restrict myself. In the beginning it was useful because it provided a readily understood context for my work."

(I find this really interesting bc for about a year now I've been meditating on my need to identify so strongly with the label "actor." I'm letting it go a lot more these days - being much more relaxed about it. I find I am happier this way - and its really opened me up to other creative endeavors, that have nothing to do with performance)

"I call myself a basketweaver bc the world calls me this. But in my head I do not call myself anything. I do not need to. I am myself.

(that one is just great!)

I really loved EB in Victoria. Remember her from "The Devil Wears Prada?" She's funny, vulnerable, likable, beautiful. Fun to watch. Endearing. So full of life. And I am a total sucker for period pieces and history - especially those Brits. I didnt realize that Queen Victoria's husband Albert died so young. The actor who plays Albert, Rupert Friend, is equally charming and fun to watch and their chemistry was fantastic.

A chick flick, I admit it, but worth watching in my book --

I want to work with Emily one day. She's exciting!

Expansion

A couple of things I read about recently that made a lot of sense to me. Made me feel that I am exactly where I need to be:

-- I read that before Naomi Watts hit (with Mulholland Drive), she was beginning to train to become a yoga teacher

-- I read that Brad Pitt admitted that about 10 years ago, he was totally bored with his career....smoking too many bad things out of his boredom....and that is when he took up other interests, outside of acting, such as his passion for architecture. (google: "Make It Right" to learn more about his wonderful interest turned humanitarianism effort)

I am really excited about my Fair Trade venture. Gives me something to pour my heart into, instead of sitting around obsessing with my acting career. ;)

Taking care of me....and helping make the world a little better --

"The Artist's Way" has really helped me become a more expansive human being. It just makes sense to me these days --

Apt Blues Will Not Stop My Artist --

Well, things with the apt WERE starting to look up....the leaks were starting to disappear, we got our kitchen installed, floors finished, etc.

Then it rained today. Downpoured, actually. Now all 4 leaks have come back, and an additional SEVEN. I have spent my entire Saturday night looking for leaks, finding bowls to catch them in (I no longer have any more bowls to spare!), wiping wet spots from the floor, etc.

I am going to the management company tomorrow to inform them that I want some of my rent back for this month, and I that I do not intend to pay rent until this apt situation is fully resolved. I am also calling 311 as soon as I get off the computer. There is also a meeting in a week I found out about - apparently a lot of people in this neighborhood are having problems with these lame ass landlords. Someone put it together and its to help us know our rights as tenants. I'm going to make copies of this flyer and hand them out to EVERYONE in my building.

Damn straight I'll be at this meeting. I'm not fucking around anymore.

On a more positive note:

A friend of ours is building a beautiful additional room inside our loft. We took elements of the most beautiful place I've ever stayed: Ki-Em Art House, one hour outside of Nha Trang, Vietnam, and put it into this addition. Ki-Em was heaven! I'm even going to try to incorporate some of the seashells I brought back from the beach there into the design somehow.

And, in between searching for bowls to catch the rain, I did manage to work more on my oil painting! Heaven! I can see how working in various mediums can help build your discipline in others. Disciplines such as commitment, taking risks, not over thinking things, listening less to your critic, and patience, to name a few....

Please keep your fingers crossed for me with this apt situation --- thanks!

Livin'

Long story short: after 5 days of staying with a friend, we are finally in our new apt.

I'm having fun! I painted the kitchen turquoise blue yesterday, while listening to Edie Piaf.

Its a great space. You can see the Empire State and Chrysler buildings outside our window. I didnt really notice that before bc I was so angry....!

I realized this morning, as I wrote my morning pages, that life is like a work of art. You have to trust the process of it. Sure, you have goals or things you want to accomplish. Like when you set out to paint something on canvas - you have an idea of what you want. But then you have to let that go and trust the process of your work, your life. Breathe. Dont worry. Let it evolve and go with each stroke.

I share this from experience. Trying to force my life into places I thought it should go only made me very exhausted. I'm too tired for that these days. Thank God!!

(morning pages: 3 pages of whatever is on your mind! Brain drain, dealing with something, fiction....whatever comes up. Its like meditating. Very therapeutic!)

I starting painting on canvas using oil yesterday. Never done that before. Fun! I found myself enjoying - and being much less critical.

Tonight: Writing class. Continuing work on my solo piece. I'm somehow very relaxed about it. Dont need to get it "right." Just enjoy! Oh, and a little scared too --

Its good to be scared. A reminder that I do have a pulse.

I'm living! L-I-V-I-N

Protect Your Artist and Celebrate

Last weekend there was a screening of a feature film I had the lead in. It was two and half hours outside of the city. I almost didnt go because of the moving crisis going on in my personal life. But the hubby insisted, and he moved our stuff without me so I could go (!). He's a good egg :)

It was a splendid event! Packed house full of people I didnt know. The people running the event were really nice and supportive of the film. As I settled down to into my seat when the film began, I suddenly realized I didnt know anyone there besides the producer/lead actor who was sitting next to me. I remembered that there is some nudity in the film (tasteful and necessary to tell the story) and I suddenly felt really vulnerable. Shit. I could also hear people near me whispering - I couldnt make out what they were saying, and it probably had nothing to do with the film since it had just started at this point, but I was really nervous about sitting so close to strangers watching my performance.

So I got up and walked to the very last row of the theater and sat there by myself watching. It was glorious! I could sit there alone, taking it all in, without concerning myself with what anyone was thinking or might say. I was very proud of myself for doing this, for protecting my artist instead of being "polite" and staying seated amongst the crowd. Johnny Depp says that he has never seen any of his films. I understand that. There is something so nerve racking about it - you always think you could have done it differently or maybe even better. Its difficult not to be so ridiculously hard on yourself. Unlike, Johnny, I do want to watch my films, because I really enjoy the process of filmmaking - from beginning to final product.....but I know I have to be very conscious of with who and where I'm watching them. I dont need to be within earshot of strangers talking about my film. People can be very critical, often unintentionally, and you must protect your artist from that, so you can continue to grow and take risks. Hearing something negative can shut you down unnecessarily for a while.

Afterwards, there was a Q and A with the Artistic Director of the screening site, my producer/lead actor friend, and yours truly. That was VERY good to have to go through. I sat up there on that stage thinking "shit, what are they going to ask?" "is someone going to ask about the nudity?" "or something that I wont be able to articulate intellegently??" But I managed to relax into my seat and have a good time with it - the crowd was so curious and supportive - so it was a lot of fun. And a good exercise for me to have to sit there and back my work.

We were also interviewed by a reporter from the local newspaper there - my first!

Damn, I'm lucky that I got to celebrate the coming together of this film in this way. Like I've mentioned many times before, sometimes you'll shoot something, and your lucky if it even becomes a final product for people to see, or even better if it actually does get a screening ANYWHERE.

A word of advice: Try to see the film BEFORE the screening. And as long as the film looks good, GO!! Do not make it like its no big thing, and please dont be too scared of your performance to go. These moments you have to try to enjoy - they dont come around all the time, especially in the early stages of an acting career. But if the film is poor quality, poorly executed, I would skip it.

And be selective about who you invite. I have a general rule of thumb that I only want to invite my colleagues and friends to quality stuff. Not everything you work on will be something you want people to see, and that's just part of the process. Its ok. What's important is that you had the experience. You need to have moments of "not so great work" to help you with the "great ones." If you invite someone to something mediocre, you risk the chance of them not coming to see any of your work for some time, and they may skip something that is great.

Either way, go out and celebrate your hard work when its over: cupcakes, flowers, rest, being with friends, etc. We must be good to ourselves to continue marching on.

Calm in the Eye of the Storm

I woke up today feeling really grateful.

We are staying with a friend right now, while our apt is being finished. I am so grateful to have a friend who lives nearby who selflessly is sharing her apt with us. Its cozy and warm and its like we are in college again, the 3 of us living together. We spend our mornings together watching the video she is editing of the actors she filmed (that's what she does for a living) and we spend our late nights chatting about films we love. Its like an artist's community we got going on here.

During the daytime we go to the apt to make sure everything is going as smoothly as possible. I admit, its not easy to see our home is such disarray when we are suppose to be living in it at this point. I have been wearing the same clothes for 3 days now. Even sleeping in them bc A) I dont know where my shit is B) its winter here anyway - so I'm not sweating and I'm usually covered in my winter coat. I know, I know. Its still gross. I'm borrowing clothes from our friend today to change into.

The landlord does seem he is trying to make good. He told us he would do "whatever we want to the apt and more." That makes me feel a lot better. When he showed up a couple of days ago to see what was going on, he looking genuinely shocked.

I'm just feeling grateful instead of angry today. I guess I just got too exhausted from being upset about all this. I've been going to yoga everyday too - which helps. I'm not really doing much acting wise. I cant right now. But I did find a place to sell my Fair Trade items yesterday - I have at least been taking my laptop to a nearby cafe so I can check in on the apt when I need to, then work on my Fair Trade biz in the cafe. I am REALLY excited about finding this place to sell - now I can start place orders and things like that.

Yesterday, we hung out in the city all day. Our friend we are staying with works from home so we dont want to be all up in her space anymore than we have to. I realized we were able to take in a lot more. We werent in a hurry bc we have no apt to rush home to right now!! It was a funny realization - watching all the people in the city wiz by us, while we were slowly walking around, taking things in. That was nice.

Isnt that something? In the midst of crisis - how everything slows down? It gets simple.

We are going over this morning to move all our belongings to the "dry" side of the floor, so the other half can be painted. Wish us luck!

Homeless

The new apt is a mess. Like I mentioned, we were promised that everything would be ready to go by today, March 1st. It is not.

-- we have no kitchen sink or cabinets

-- the floors are not done. the "floor guys" came in to finish the job today, which means buffing the floor and then coating it with 2 coats of paint. So, we have to place all our things into one end of the apt, let them paint it and dry it, then move all our stuff to the "dry" end and paint the other half (we are moving into a loft - which is one big room). When they started buffing, dust went everywhere, and I am highly allergic to all that stuff! Our belongings now are covered in a layer of dust....

-- noisy heater

-- 4 leaks in the ceiling. We have kitchen bowls on the floor catching the leaks.

-- ghetto ceiling needs a coat of paint

-- I dont know where anything is and I cant unpack anything.

In short, it is a disaster. I cant help but wonder what cruel thing I did to someone else at some point in my life to deserve this?

But I guess I have to look at this as a test, a challenge. My patience and anger are REALLY being tested. I MUST go to yoga everyday this week. My girlfriend who has had tons of experience with these shitty NYC landlords and management companies has told me that I have to "let it go." I have to quit thinking this should be easy, bc that just makes me short of breath and defensive. And bitter.

AND: I am certainly NOT paying rent for these days.....

Shame on you NYC landlords and management companies! How do you sleep at night???

But, ok....this is not really a disaster.....the flood in New Orleans was a disaster. The earthquake in Haiti was a disaster. This is nothing.

I can certainly get through this. I'll be ok.