Apprehensively Putting It "Out There"

There's a balance between art and commerce. In my humble opinion.

I try to be balanced. The creative part is very easy for me. I like creating. I like putting up a show, working on a script, shooting a film......its the other stuff that's a little tougher.

I'm experiencing anxiety today over telling people about my show. I get afraid that they wont come and that I'll take it personally and I know that I shouldnt take it personally, but its hard not to. Doing this show has put me in such a vulnerable place. My material is SO PERSONAL - that's the beauty of solo shows - what always drew me to going to watch them.....and then further drew me in to actually getting the insane notion of doing one myself. So I have to admit, today I was very sensitive when I got messages from people who could not come to the show. Especially industry folks that I would have liked to have come see it. I've worked really hard on it and I think its really special.

Whatever happened to watching a show just for the sake of watching a show? Why does it have to be about whether or not a celebrity is involved, did it win a Tony, etc?? GOD - I just feel like if I were a name people couldnt resist coming. And that really frustrates me bc I am a damned good actress.

Now I know why, some actors I really admire - they dont get involved in courting industry. They just do their thing as far as honing their craft. I try to balance the 2. I havent courted industry in a while since I've been really only producing my own stuff in the last year. But now that I am courting industry a little bit with this show - I'm having reminders of the frustration and heartache this can bring. It makes one want to go hide in the "creative" side of things. And not deal with all the other stuff.

But - I do know there must be balance. I have to get over all that. Invite them - if they come great, if they dont, well that's great too. Who cares? As my husband reminded me while I was venting to him: DO IT YOUR SHOW FOR YOU. FORGET EVERYONE ELSE.

So, yeah. I'll invite who I need to invite, but at the end of the day, its about MY GROWTH. And besides, plenty of people ARE coming - I'm just getting hung up on the few that can't.

I'm gonna do this thing for me. Damn it!

Fear and Sanity

Today in yoga class the teacher made an interesting comment:

He talked about how he just taken up rock-climbing, but recently he'd hit a wall as to how far he could go/how good he could get. And then he realized he was afraid of falling and that was what was holding him back. Once he let go of that fear - he got better.

And I realized that this is why I am doing this solo show: because I am terrified of it. So I know I need to do it - I need to face this fear of putting myself out there, opening up freely. A solo show, bc they are usually so personal (and mine is) will make you deal with this. Make you open up. Hang out all your dirty laundry. And its the dirty laundry that people usually connect to anyway - that stuff that makes us all human.

So, no matter what the outcome of doing this piece (the outcome is not the point) - I know that doing this is important to the evolution of my soul, both as a human being and an actress. How I keep myself happy and sane.

By doing the insane.

Say a Prayer for my Producer

We had a really good production meeting tonight for my solo show. Things are starting to really fall into place.

Then my producer called and said that her father had an aneurism while she was with me at the meeting - and that the doctor said it looked "grave." He may not even make it through the night...

Can you believe it? And her father is a healthy, active man.

So, say a prayer for her. Or a good thought. Or a chant. She is a good good person and I adore her and dont want to see her in pain....

;)

A Marriage in the Arts Ain't So Easy --

Gosh. This solo show thing isnt easy. I know, I know. I'm being redundant -

Being married to another person in the arts isnt easy either. Gosh, ...it can be incredibly difficult. Or maybe that's just marriage? I am married to a good man. Who is very stubborn and opinionated. And so am I. ;) Oy. That doesnt always make for an easy household. And I dont know what advice I can offer here.....sometimes I think it would be easier to be married to someone who is not in the arts.....but my girlfriend who isnt says she really misses having a collaborator - that sometimes being in the arts alone is an uphill battle for her. So, yes, I can say - its nice to be with someone who "gets" that stuff. That you can talk to about that - bounce ideas off of one another.

I think that's just marriage. I'm finding it incredibly difficult at times. They say its hard work. It is. And I'm finding it doesnt get easier - living with another person, pursuing your dreams while they are pursuing their own. Having respect for one another, supporting one another's work but then also not getting upset when the other cannot fully "be there" for you due to their own work schedule. And then throw a kid into the mix.....I dont have one yet....but I often wonder how we can possibly do this? They say there is no good time - and that you figure it out as you go.....

As much as I do like my life.....I know that I am seriously fortunate and that I have a terrific man in my life....I often think of my single life. How independent I was. How I made my own money, and I somehow was getting by. I rented the movies I wanted, when I wanted. I cooked for myself. Painted my walls the color I wanted them. Put things where I wanted them to go. Left things out if I wanted to. Left the dishes pile up if I wanted to. Now there has to be a conversation about EVERYTHING and its making me crazy!!!!!!

So, I guess my point is: there are pro's and con's to both sides. When I was single I thought "oh, it'd be so nice to be settled down, in a relationship." Its all perspective, its all in enjoying EXACTLY WHERE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW.

So, single folks, relish your singlehood! There's plenty time to be married, and once you are that is a whole new chapter in one's life. I'm doing my best to relish being married, and most of the time I do.

I'd just be lying if I didnt admit that sometimes I get whistful when I think of that girl in her 20's, ready to conquer the world. When there were so many question marks. (And I do remember those question marks, while they seem so "romantic" right now.....they use to drive me crazy too - )

Grow, baby.....GROW!

Solo show this and that and taking care of YOU!

I'm plugging away at things - my website will be updated soon with my show info, I hired a publicist. My producer and director are SO AWESOME and I think we've found a tech person and stage manager. So things are falling into place.

One thing is: this is all EXPENSIVE!! I'm paying everyone - seems that in this economy its tough to find someone to work for free. But I do feel good about paying folks for their hard work. And I know that somehow the money will work itself out. I have started doing some online fundraising bc I really need the financial help. There are many orgs you can contact to help you fundraise for your project: Dance Theatre Workshop (you do not have to be a dancer), Fractured Atlas and The Field.

I decided tonight that I have to really take care of myself in the days leading up to this show. I'm going to yoga as much as possible, hopping on the treadmill daily, doing breathing exercises to support my voice and breath, and writing - not only on my piece, but for fun too. If I dont write I get really antsy. Oh and meditating. This may sound like a lot, but I'll do it when I can and then NOT be myself up if I can't go every day. I keep thinking of something I heard once: if you meditate for 30 minutes/day (and I dont....), when you are busy - you should meditate for an hour. The point being, in those periods of time when we think we are too busy to exercise, to go have fun, to meditate.....that's when you really SHOULD be doing these things. So, I'm gonna give that my best shot.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about WHY I'm doing this. I've been so caught up in the producing and promoting aspects that I feel I've sorta lost sight of that.....and I need to get back to that truth. So that I can connect to this show and that the audience connects with me -- more to come on that --

:)

turnaround

Today I woke up feeling really relaxed. I had really good dreams last night. :)

Once I started writing everything just sorta fell into place. I first wrote my 3 pages of "brain drain" that I do every morning, alla The Artist's Way. You figure out a lot in those 3 pages. Then, sure, I procrastinated on email and Facebook - but finally got down to doing a little writing. Once I did that my day was all clear. I was positive, lighter, happier......

So I rewarded myself by going downtown and taking a little nap on a bench by the water.

And you'll never believe what just happened. A major film production company is interested in my script! And this was all through the festival. So see, it really helps to put your work out there.

;)

Speaking of F-E-A-R ----

My solo show got into a festival. Can you believe it????

YIKES!!!! HOLY HELL!!!!!!

I didnt expect this. I submitted a half written script.....not really thinking too much about it. And - now it is in the festival - holy hell!!!

So for the last 3 weeks I've been chipping away at everything. I'm learning loads. I've learned that being in a festival basically means self producing. Yep, that's right. I'm self producing.....again....oy vey. While I'm grateful, after this, I am NOT PRODUCING ANYTHING for a while. I need to work on someone else's project!!!!! Obviously, I enjoy producing, and I am becoming more and more ok with that - I like having control - jesus! After this, I'm taking a much needed break from that world.....

I found an awesome director - my god this woman is so supportive! And I finally found a producer yesterday to take some of the producing tasks off my plate so I can focus on my writing (gotta finish the OTHER HALF of my piece!!! yikes!!!) and rehearsals. Thanka gawd!!

I'm finding this INCREDIBLY challenging. Didnt I say earlier this year that I wanted to be scared? Well, shit. I got it. I wake up each day stressed - so many things to do!!!! And as I write this - I'm realizing - I've gotta switch to finding my joy. I'm so filled with fear sometimes.

Ok. So...just breathe. And when a fearful thoughts comes in (bad review, my voice going out, the show being boring, appearing stupid for putting myself out there......), recognize that its just a thought....and let it go. One of my teacher's told me once, when those thoughts come up to simply say to yourself: so what??

And I know once I meet with my director on Friday, I'll be fine. Its kind of lonely out there doing a solo show - rehearsing alone.....so when I do meet with my director, and I can see my progress each week.....I feel like its all good. I'm seeing a kind of pattern. Meet with her on Fridays - and that goodness lasts me til about Monday. Then Monday to Thurs there's a real challenge for me to deal with my fears. Reading The Artist's Way really helps, especially the chapter on being blocked. I think its chapter 9 maybe 10. And yoga and meditation. And being really nice to myself - sitting by the river, taking myself out for sushi, etc.

Say a little prayer for me as I continue to look fear in the face. And do what I need to do anyway.

So what??

Just kiddin -

I lied. I'm not signing off. I took a break.

A friend of mine who reads this told me that it was inspirational, encouraging and real. And it would be a shame to stop giving my little bits of advice. So, with her support and encouragement - I'm back on. Did you miss me???

So, I'll continue to share my nuggets of "real" experience, of not only being an actress, but of being a woman, a budding writer, a spiritual and thoughtful being.....and my reflections on motherhood (no I am not pregnant but we do consider it), taking my place in this business and finding my balance throughout.

I am woman hear me roar! And I hope I can inspire you in some way. You've got to follow your passions - take big big risks. Forget how you "should" do things or what the other person is doing. Follow your own path and be true to that!

And, as always, another great quote:

Dont ask what the world needs....ask what makes you come alive...and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive....H. Thurman