Friday, December 18, 2009

Creating Your Own Universe

I blog on a community blog for actors from time to time. I wrote a blog recently that turns out inspired some people, so I thought I'd share it here. Its sort of a summation of my blogs in recent months. Hope its helpful....


I've heard a lot of actors talk about how "slow" its been this year, especially in recent months.


True, we're in a recession. But I guess I'm the kind of person who likes a challenge. Surely that is part of the reason I became an actress.
The upside of this year, for me, is that it forced me to take some risks. I lost my cushy parttime job. So when that rug was pulled out from under me, I figured, why not just go for all of it??
So I started writing. And producing. Oh, and directing too. Well, assistant directing to be exact. And I've got to tell you, I've been busier than ever. And its NOT from auditioning. Yes, that has been slow for me too - I'm with a terrific agency, but I'm not a name actress yet - and I'm not your average caucasian chick - so the auditions have been next to nil.
Folks, I'm here to tell you - you've gotta create your own universe. ESPECIALLY in slower times! And sometimes that means doing things you didnt see yourself doing. I've noticed that a lot of actor friends of mine (self included at times) identify so strongly with the label "actor." And its just so limiting!
For instance: I never saw myself producing a film. EVER. And at times I want to bang myself over the head bc its hard work. But an opportunity came my way that I couldnt pass up. So this time, no, I'm not acting, BUT I'm exploring a whole other part of myself. One that I was afraid of bc I didnt want to get too friendly with my "less creative" side. And you know what? In my attempt to open myself up more to possibility, I have met so many wonderful people and there's a new found confidence that's taken over. I'm excited about my career again!
And, most important, I don't feel like I'm at anyone's mercy. I feel like a force to be reckoned with......
I share this with you in the hopes that it will inspire you to take the "bull by the horns." Please, dont get caught up in the "its so slow talk." Run from it! Dont sit around waiting for a phone call. Don't let chasing auditions be all that you spend your time doing. Unless that is what you love to do - then GO FOR IT!! But, from what I've observed, those that last, that are happiest, create their own work. They wear many hats. They feel powerful. Because, well, they are!
In summation - if you have a little more free time these days - go to readings, get involved with theater companies - volunteer if you have to - but get your sassy self out there and meet people. Be willing to try on different roles. Get involved in areas you never thought of -- I think you'll be surprised where it might take you -- and how it makes you feel ---

WOW.

Today I had to put a list together of all the casting directors I've met with since I've been auditioning.

Its been REALLY quiet lately, auditioning-wise -- but when I took a look at this list, I was actually quite surprised and impressed with what I've accomplished. I had to look at this past year's calendar to compile this list - and I was really impressed with how busy I've been - I've REALLY made it a point to get myself out there - to do more readings, meet people, etc.

It snuck up on me. I had no idea. I'm making things happen, unbeknownst to me. I've really done the best that I can with what I have.

Which goes to show - its important to stop and smell the roses. YES! Go after those dreams - but relish in your successes - do not downplay them!

And keep plugging away. Something WILL HAPPEN!

Some trends I noticed:

- Each year I audition a little more

- Each pilot season (which generally would run Feb - April in both LA and NY) I would get busy toward the end of the "season" with auditioning - around mid March. That's when they cast the "smaller" roles. The day players. Each year I've gotten a little busier during that time.

Sidenote: pilot season is becoming less and less of a true Feb - April season...pilots are being cast and shot more and more year round. There still is one during Feb - April, but its not as cut and dry of a timeline as it use to be. Also, the lead actors are cast first (Feb - mid March). Again, this isnt the gospel, but a trend you can usually count on. And those called in for the leads are generally either A) name actors B) people with A level representation. I'm not A nor B yet, so that's why I get called in right now for "smaller" roles toward the end of the season.

So, tonight, I'm gonna pat myself on the back and relish in these victories.

Be kind to yourself folks! Keep pluggin away - make a list of your successes - yes, you do have more than you think you do - and then go do something nice for yourself to celebrate!!


Thursday, December 17, 2009

Thank you pretentious person for this reminder --

Be very careful who you share your creative endeavors with.

There will be those who you gel with - and those who you don't.

Find those you gel with - and trust them wholeheartedly.

And the others, especially the ones who sit around and talk about art....and then do NOTHING but make up excuses, RUN FROM! They will suck up your good energy - and NO ONE is worth that!

;)


Saturday, December 12, 2009

oh, yes, THAT......

Fundraiser for the film I'm producing came and went. It was wildly successful. And quite stressful. I have gray hairs sprouting out of my part on my head to prove it. oy.

But I cant imagine busting my ass like that and it turning out to be a flop - so I am TRULY FRIGGIN GRATEFUL that it went really really well. I had a producer friend of mine comment "I wish I could pay you to produce my film....."

Ummmm........Shoot me in the head if I ever produce anything other than my own work! :)

But then again, I guess I'm good at it. I have a lot to learn (of course). I worked in event planning and PR when I first came to NY, and the elements are similar.

Maybe I need to just embrace who I am? What I'm learning that I'm good at?

I saw a friend's play tonight. It was great. More than anything, I'm impressed by how she has managed to get her own theater company going. This is their 3rd production. They also do a short film series and readings. The kind of things I like to do. She told me once that the playfestival I put together 3 years ago really inspired her in the beginnings of her company. I'm happy for this - but now she has her own company. And what the heck am I doing??

I keep avoiding this - the idea of having a theater company. But I've talked about it for like five years now. I guess that scares me. Having to come up with all that money - fundraiser after fundraiser. Those are the 2 times I sprouted gray hairs in my part on my head: when I produced that aforementioned playfestival, and when I recently put together this film fundraiser. I just imagine that if I have my own theater company, my hair will be white as snow. I'll age over night.

I know, I am a drama queen ---

But this keeps gnawing at me. And I'm not sure what to do about it - how to begin. Do I have the time? Will I still be able to go out on auditions? Do I even care about going out on auditions? Will I be able to start a family, have my film production company with hubby AND a theater company??? It seems like a lot --

Well, I do seem to enjoy being completely overwhelmed at times -- and I do know that I really need to create my own work. Actor schleping from audition to audition is not in the cards for me. I cant exist that way - at the mercy of others hiring me -- as I've said before - auditions are just the icing on the cake for me - an opportunity -- a sidenote --

Maybe I start off small? Without thinking of everything else that lays ahead?

Just: Seek out writers. Think of what I want my platform to be. I know I'd like to support female writers and producers and directors. And of course actresses. But I feel it needs to be bigger than that. But what? I know I want a humanitarian element. Giving back. Is there another way to do this other than writing a check? AND, how do I secure funding?

Nope, even simpler than all that: call my friend DB, who I've been tossing around the theater thing with over the last year, and seek out writers. Forget the other stuff for now.

ok. Good brainstorm session. Thanks for listening -- night night!


Thursday, December 3, 2009

New Person or New Attitude?

My oh my, what a difference some success can make!

The fundraiser planning is really coming together! I'm so happy! Lots of little bits to still take care of - but we are in really good shape and I have a lot of peeps coming.....

I might actually be embracing this producing thing --- look out ---

Finding the time to exercise, no matter how "little" and yoga and meditate has been key - hitting a much needed yoga class tomorrow --

Very grateful. So much! Thanks Universe!

XO

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

When You Don't Deal With Stress - It Deals With You

It happened.

Last night.

All the warning signals were there.

Shortness of breath.

Tension in my body.

Mind scattered and negative.

Moodiness.

Feeling sorry for myself.

Pissiness.

Neediness.

Stress.

I knew what was going on. And still I did nothing.

I had a meltdown. A mild one. But the embarressing thing is that, instead of doing it in the comfort of my own home, I did it with a friend. I guess I needed to release this to SOMEONE other than poor husband.

Oh well, its who I am --

I was a little embarressed afterwards. Mostly because this friend, as much as I enjoy her, tends to live in the "susie sunshine" thing. Which makes me feel like I should be doing the same thing. But where's the line? Between being real and being a Susie?

Maybe its my thinking - that you CAN be real and be a ray of light? Its funny bc I have another dear friend who is very moody - I AM the ray of sunshine compared to her - and being in this situation last night helped me have compassion for my not-so-sunshiney friend who calls me a Susie.

Make sense??

I was so stressed and moody and my brain was going into overdrive -- and then me and Susie saw a REALLY BAD play. BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD. This actor had cast himself as the lead - for starters, hello? He totally miscast himself. Know thyself!! AND - he's not ready for a part like this. I applaud him for challenging himself, but you've gotta know what is a challenge and what is for later on....

So in addition to being grumpy, moody, stressed, then I had to see a play that was....well, I've already said. That was the last straw. That pushed me over the edge. I couldnt take it any longer.

I started to release to this friend - tell her about things that were bothering me. I was on a roll. I let it all out. The things that I normally dont let get to me.

And while she was the good friend that she is and listened, I noticed that I was searching for a pep talk, the "you can do anything you want" talk. The "you are amazing and unstoppable" talk. And, I didnt get it. I got the "its ok" talk.

Like with husband. I'm always wanting him to pump me up. To lift me up when I fall.

As I sit back now and reflect on all this - I realize that I have to lift myself up. With lots of tenderness and patience. I have to know when I am about to lose it - and how to take care of myself so that I am not spreading fear and negativity to those I care about most.

I dont know how I'm going to do this. But at least I am aware of it. That's a start right?

Which brings me to one of my favorite quotes:

....artists have their ups and downs. For a while everything you do is great, or you think it is and then you fall back down....pulling yourself back up is the most important part of your life.....

I gotta learn to pull myself up in the moments. No one, not husband, not sweet girlfriend can do this for me --- and I dont want to repeatedly take them down with me -- its not fun --

So, here's to getting to know ourselves a little better and being very kind to ourselves, but then knowing when we need to give ourselves a swift kick in the ass!!

:)

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Feeding My Soul

I need to get back to my writing - really missing it ---

vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent

I hate producing right now --

A little concerned bc I told my new agency that I couldnt go on an audition tomorrow - first one they are sending me out on too - but I am so stressed and up to my ears!

Sigh

Short of breath --

I am going to yoga, but my body is so TENSE lately!

The fundraiser planning is actually going well. But its just friggin stressful.

Breath in Breath out Breath in Breath out

Feel like I need to chill out over the holidays and set some new goals for myself - things I really want to go after and DO IT - need to shake things up a bit ---

Sometimes I just feel like quitting all this and becoming a full time yoga teacher. There are elements of it that really bother me --

Feeling down

Or maybe its just the producing? Trust me, I am grateful for the opportunity. But it still BLOWS!

After this, my artist needs some attn --

XO :)

Thanks for hearing me vent --

Saturday, November 28, 2009

STRESS!

I'm putting together a fundraiser for a film that I am producing (producer = come up with $$$ somehow) and it is very up and down! Moments when I think things are going so well.....and then you find out -

oh, that Flamenco guitarist cant do it after all OR

your #1 food donor you were hoping for is not getting back in touch with you, leaving you sweating it out bc invites have already gone out saying "free food" OR

the other food donor you thought you had now only wants to give you 20 loaves of bread (uh, thanks but what the H-E-Double L am I suppose to do with that????) OR

your beer sponsor falls through OR

your liquor vendor has now gone out of business and cant do it OR

none of your potential raffle donors are confirming for sure ---

its friggin nerve racking --

BUT, I do have:

a VERY generous wine sponsor (thank god for him!!)

a supermodel spokesperson

a great editor cutting a promo reel to play at the event

two raffle item confirmations

and lots of support

I just gotta move my booty over the next few days ---

Wish me luck! OX

(yoga update: went yesterday and the day before. Glorious!!)

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Keep It In Check

Yep, something is really gnawing at me. And I know why - I've fallen out of my yoga practice, for a month now (since getting so busy with the show), not going to the gym or running or meditating. For me, if I'm not in step with this stuff, my whole life seems to fall apart. I'm irritable, pessimistic, I look at my life as more of a "have not" than a "have."

And trust me, I have nothing to complain about. You can walk down a street here in New York and see someone homeless and realize your "problems" are really nothing.

I can feel it all over - my thoughts are all over the place, I'm forgetful, my breathing is off.

So whatever it is that keeps you in check: first, know what that is. And then do it.

Ok. Promise to myself: I'm getting back on the wagon!

And I will fall off again, get back on, fall off, get back on --- LIFE!


Tuesday, November 24, 2009

That gnawing feeling ---

Its time to start writing again. I had such a positive experience with my solo piece - so I want to expand it out and continue to work with my director/writing teacher. He's the shit! I love working with this man - he's really taught me a lot about trusting myself, giving myself permission, how to get a laugh, how to be brave.

Did I mention he's the shit??

And this all started with me simply needing to follow something that was pulling me. Dont intellectualize it - just follow it!

Jump and the net will appear -- indeed!

It Makes Zero Sense - Get Use to It

You will see amazing actors who do not have representation. You will see not so great actors who are getting sent out all the time.

The one thing I can say that is important is persistence. And that's something I've noticed that's lacking in a lot of really great actors I know. When I say persistence, I mean in the "not so fun stuff," i.e. the "business" side of things. Meaning making an effort to meet industry, following up on it, letting them know when you are in a show or film. The great ones I know seem to really suck at that stuff.

All I can say, is that unless you want to get left behind you have to GET OVER THAT! And you have to create your own work -- its death to sit around waiting for the phone to ring ---

And - get to know writers, producers, directors -- get involved with theaters ---- get in from the ground up!

Monday, November 23, 2009

Movie Premiere

I had the great fortune of being the lead in a feature film 3 years ago.

That's right, 3 whole years ago. Such is the life of an actor. You do projects and you never know where they will end up, if anywhere....and this one, although it took some time, it did end up somewhere....

Check out my 9/27 blog for previous info --

It was my first premiere as the lead in a film. Of course I was nervous, spotlight is not my favorite thing, believe it or not. I just try to go with it.

But I actually surprised myself. I had a really good time. It was great to see some of the old cast and crew. We were shooting together for almost a month back then - so you become a family. It was great to see this old family of mine. To catch up - everyone really seems to be going places - which I was so happy to see.

There were interviews, pictures taken, drinks afterwards. What a wonderful experience I had! I am so blessed. And, the film looks good too.

Geez, you just never, ever know in this crazy biz.....

AND - this exposure has definitely brought about some cool stuff, which I'll share later ---

Something I learned: when something good like this happens to you, you've got to share it with friends, peers, family. Be smart about it. Use it to gain exposure, let people know you are out there doing cool things. To create opportunities for yourself. You never know who's hands it will fall into - it could be some guy you went to high school with who happens to have a cousin who is a casting director or a writer.

As a friend of mine once told me "when people see you trying, they will help you out."

I agree, but will add, "and vice versa, when you see someone trying, its your duty to help them out." --- Kharmic law in my book ---

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Practicing Being Grateful

I'm somehow feeling very content lately. Don't get me wrong - there are things I'd like to have in this life - mostly experiences I want to have - oh and a healthy, happy family of my own some day.....but one thing many of my own teachers and people I admire have all told me - a good, universal piece of advice....is that you must always remember to be grateful for what you do have - not to get too caught up in the yearning for "greater" things.

In other words, to "be" exactly where you are right now --

One way of doing this - is to simply list all those things you are grateful for, no matter how "big" or how "small." You can write it down, or just say it out loud.

You might notice that after you do this - you actually feel better, lighter. A good place to be!

Making my list right now --- :)

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Mishaps at a Screenplay Reading

I did a screenplay reading last night - it turned out to be a pretty big production, very professionally done. FUN!

So, I'm sitting there, reading over my lines before we go up - when the director starts passing out the program that is being given out to all the guests. I flip through it, its well done has all our headshots and bios in it. I look for mine - and I want to die!

Its a picture of me from the chest up in a bra!

WHA????

I turn a thousand shades of red and start cracking up. I want to crawl under a rock and die. Ok - so in such a small picture like this it really looks like I'm wearing a lacy tank top - but still! I know I didnt give them this picture - I have no idea how they got this. But, its definitely me.

I call the director over and I'm like "uh, you know this is a bra I'm wearing in this picture...., what the hell???" And we are both laughing and everyone is looking at us, but I dont want anyone else to know about it.

I feel like such a hussy! And the director's like "dont worry, you look hot in that pic ---"

And I'm thinking, "yeah, everyone is going to see this photo, and then look at the cast and wonder where this little sex pot in the photo is - why cant we find her??"

GREAT ---

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Post Show - Good News!

Sooo, our show wrapped! It was actually a hit. You never know - I mean, you can have a pretty good feeling about something - but you never know until you start hearing some feedback.

And the response was extremely positive. WOW. We were incredibly fortunate. I just wanted to get through it feeling good about it. And we were sold out almost every night!

What I learned from this:

- when you walk off the stage, often those voices start to chime in, telling you what went wrong, oh - you missed that line, oh - you were full of shit when you said this line, the audience didnt like you, the audience did like you, this part felt good, this part didnt, I nailed it this time, that sucked, etc, etc. I learned that you have to hold your head up high, no matter what. And learn to be very diplomatic with yourself about it: that felt pretty good this time, oh - I need to go back and look at this part, I need to slow this part down, this part felt off - what can I do about it?, etc. If you have to obsess or beat yourself up over it, dont do that for longer than 10 minutes and then do your best to cut yourself some slack and focus on being positive. Chances are, for instance, one night I felt my performance was so-so. I had some friends there (who wouldnt lie) who thought I was amazing! Who knew?? You can have a night where you think you were incredible - but you might not have come off that way. Or vice versa. SO: no point in driving yourself nuts!

- you must learn to keep your focus! I was the second act - the act when the latecomers come walking in. And its VERY distracting, especially if the space is intimate (ours was). But, you have to "stay in your work." No matter what. You cant blame those latecomers for any slip ups you have.

- chin up chin up chin up. Surround yourself with supportive people. I dont mean people who will not tell you the truth - you need to hear it if something is not working. But I mean surround yourself with people who know how to give constructive feedback, who want you to succeed.

- and as best you can, do your work - and then stand behind it with a "knowing confidence." Its great if you can be in the place (and trust me, I continually work on this!) where you can take a compliment, but you dont need it - you dont live for it. And you arent crushed if you hear something not so complimentary about your work. You must protect yourself from hearing the latter. Many actors dont read reviews of their shows. I dont blame them. You will hear both positive and not so positive throughout your creative life. And its all subjective. One person will love you, the person sitting next to them will think you are totally annoying. BUT - as long as you are stretching yourself, you know you are out there risking, and you are having fun (PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE remember to have fun!) - the more you do it - the less you'll need a compliment or be destroyed if someone doesnt respond to you. Its a tricky part of it, but it does happen. And then, you can really work - bc you arent hung up on all that other stuff. You can just do your job -- and then walk away -- with that knowing confidence!

How do you know if you are taking a risk? If you can say "hmmm, I've never done this before...." Or if you are scared shitless - that's a pretty good sign. When I was walking to my first tech rehearsal, and I had the thought of "oh shit, I'm really doing this. Why am I doing this? Why do I have to torture myself this way??" I actually had the funny thought of "well, maybe I'll get hit by a cab on the way over, that way I wont have to do it....but I'll still go down heroically.....as the girl who wanted to write her own solo show and perform in it, but then never got to bc, although she survived, she was injured on the way to tech rehearsal..."

I know, I'm crazy! :)


Thursday, October 29, 2009

Solo Show Progress

Soooo, my solo show opened tonight. I wrote my piece and performed it, along with 3 other actors doing their own pieces. It went really well! Sure I flubbed my lines a little - but thats gonna happen. Overall, it was well received and I am glad that first night is over - now its time to really go in there and just have fun!

And I know this is a really good "bootcamp" I'm putting myself through in many ways. I've learned a lot. Agonizing about "linking" my sentences together so they appear as a complete thought. Learning where to take my pauses, where to speed it up - with intention. Losing my voice - but then grounding myself into my breath. (my director says that a lot of solo performers appear to "lose" their voice - but its really just our physical reaction to doing something scary - the voice says "I'm not gonna let the audience hear me," and starts to shut down. Isnt that interesting?)

You'd think performing something you wrote is easier. Nope. Its different. And yes, some things are easier so far (emotional life), and some things are more challenging (creating the proper rhythm in my speech). The things I learned were much more technical. And I know that's something I need right now - I've spent a lot of my classroom time and coaching learning to create emotional life. Which is very important - but only a piece of the pie.

Doing this show has been very tough on my relationship. And I dont know what the answer is for that. Except to figure out how not to be a freak when I have a show coming up. I get VERY needy and expect everything to be dropped so that I can be waited on. Not something I'm proud of, but hey, I'm learning.....at least that part is over --- for now.


Saturday, October 24, 2009

It's a $&*#&$&* Process!

This last week has been really intense!

Mostly with dealing with my upcoming solo show. Boy, the fears have been eating at me. I realized what this was about: I'm an Aries. We are impatient. I want to get down to business, get to the finish line, NOW.

But with all things we create, it takes TIME. It is a PROCESS. I used to hate it when my teachers would say in acting class, "well, its a process." I was like, "fuck, what the hell does that mean? Just tell me what I need to do and I'LL DO IT!" And I would storm off frustrated at my shortcomings as an actress.

Ha. Thank God I have a little more patience and love for my craft these days! And a director I'm working with who is amazing, soooo brilliant and nurturing!

I see real growth. I'm at a point where yes, process and not knowing what's next does still freak me out.....but not to the point that I cannot function. (like it did before) I can take direction without beating myself up over it like I use to. I know creation is a process and I have more of an understanding of that these days through experience. I definitely see it in my work and in rehearsals - I dont take it personally like I use to.

As my Italian acting coach would say: "Tanka God-ah!"

Other than dealing with my patience/impatience....I've had to balance my time really well. And be sure I am eating and exercising and having some down time - its easy to let that go when you get crazed - and its SO IMPORTANT not to! I am producing this show too, so there's been lots of stuff on that end, letting people know about the show.......etc etc.

And then the film I starred in that won a fest - there was an awards party I had to go to. Which was actually really fun - got to see some of the old cast and crew - and even bumped into some other actors I've worked with before on other projects.

Its been an intense week. But a really good one. Great to see some of my hard work paying off - but having its own set of challenges at the same time to. Its been great for me to see that even when things seem to be going really well....its no friggin cake walk. All the more the reason to be sure you surround yourself with loving, positive people. No time for downers here......

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Stay Away From Small People

"Stay away from people who belittle your dreams....small people do that, while the really great make you feel that you too, can be great." Mark Twain

I have a couple of friendships lately that I am really questioning. Because these two people, although they are dear to me....I constantly feel like I cannot talk about anything positive going on in my life to either of them. I have to tone everything down constantly, and make it sound as though I am suffering - so that they dont feel threatened.

Not much of a friendship, is it?

One of my mentors recently told me to try this test:

Tell your friends and mentors "hey, I'm working with Spielberg - he has my reel!" and watch their reaction. You want to keep the friendships of those who are 100% excited for you - and the ones who seem skeptical or unenthused, those are the ones you want to drop like a hot potato.

While I'm not gonna go so far as to do this test.....(because I already know what kind of reaction I would get from these "friends") I really am questioning these friendships lately. I am torn bc I know that part of a friendship is to love the person for who they are - and to stick by them when they arent doing so great. But there is also something to being around negative, fearful energy too. Something that I feel I must protect myself from. I have to protect my mind and heart from that and march on with those who are positive and those I respect because those are the influences I want in my life.

One must be very selective about the company one keeps.....so, for now, I'll keep the mentioned friendships, but at a distance.....

Thursday, October 15, 2009

The Calm in the Eye of the Storm

I am really grappling with my fears lately of putting up my one person piece. It helps to think of people I know - famous or not - who have done the same thing and to know that they went through the same fears. And it helps to have a hubby to talk to about it, who supports me fully.

We were talking about it tonight (ok - that really means that I had a minor meltdown....) and I realized that I am scared because I am taking a risk. I'm not living under a rock, I've actually written something beautiful and personal and touching and funny - and now I'm putting it out there for all to see. And that is friggin nerve racking! So, of course I'm scared and worried at times. Some may laugh, some may be touched, and some may hate it. But I know I cant get too wrapped up in that. I have to "give it to my character," as one of my acting coaches would say. "If you love your character(s) and are so completely involved with them, it doesnt matter to you what anyone else thinks. You wont even care about that."

All part of the process. And for some reason I need to do this - its part of my artistic growth.

With the film I starred in winning a festival, the film I am producing (starring a 2009 Oscar nominee) and my solo show......I have become news worthy! So now I have a press rep working to get some buzz going for me. Its all very funny, I think, and very strange. But, all part of the process and my next step. It is very frightening putting myself out there - I actually dont enjoy that sort of spotlight. I would rather just do the work - do a film or a play and if only 20 people see it, that's more than enough for me! The whole publicity part of things makes me anxious!

I came home early today after being in the city for an audition, and doing some press work --- planning to work on my solo show. BUT - I really needed a night off - to drink some hot cocoa and sit by the fire. I realize now, as I'm laying here, that in the midst of all this action going on in my life lately, my soul REALLY needed this down time. No way around it.

I started reading old journal entries from this summer - when I thought I might be having health issues (it turned out ok). In these entries, I talked a lot about how important quiet time was for me, and friendships.....slowing down. How soon we speed up and forget to smell those flowers! I have to smell the roses! I am very unhappy when life speeds up and I forget to do these things.

So, here's to quiet time. And to listening to what we REALLY need to be shiney happy people....so we can have calm in the middle of the storm.....and we can be a solid rock for the people we love.......

Friday, October 9, 2009

Tracy Trevett - An Inspiration

I am TOTALLY mourning the loss of one of my first acting teachers today - Tracy Trevett.

I found out the way everyone seems to get info these days: Facebook.

This woman was such an inspiration to me. She helped me fall in love with acting and held my hand when I was scared. I made some of my first real discoveries as an actor in her presence and with her help, with her sweet, encouraging smile coaxing me along. I always wanted to emulate her - she was so strong, so giving, nuturing, so in love with ALL her students.

It's really sad when you see a bright light like this dim. At least in the physical, earthly respect. I know her spirit still lingers with 100's of her students. And to be that loved and remembered by so many - what a gift.

Thanks Tracy. I miss you terribly.
You're gone way too soon - but I'm glad I had the chance to know you.

Love, M

Remember to Relax

Turns out, all this fear and anxiety I've been having lately about my show was easily cured by a late night with good friends and several bottles of vino. :)

Yoga couldnt even cure this - I've been going to yoga for days in a row - hoping to relax, with little help.

Just when I thought I was "too busy" to have fun and CHILL - its actually what I needed. I feel at ease and ready to tackle learning my lines for my Tuesday rehearsal.

Thank gawd for good friends (and wine)!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Some good advice, actor or not, we can all use!

I just read a wonderful blog by a terrific actress I know - I copied some of the info here for your reading pleasure because I found it so useful! Here ya go:

Happy + People = Work
Check this scenario out:

You meet two guys. One is hunched over and looks tired and lethargic. You feel your life being sucked out of you by this black hole. You ask him: "How are you?" and he takes a swig of his vodka, a hit off his joint and whines: "It's so hard. It's just not fair. My boss won't give me a chance. And it's just gotten worse with this economy..." You want to run away from this person as fast as you can.

Then you turn to his friend. He's confident, stands straight up and is at ease with himself. You feel a warmth and happy glow emanating from him. You ask him: "So how are things?" He smiles and says: "I'm really happy, things are going well." You want some of that, don't you? Yes of course you do, everyone wants to be around happy, positive people.

Are, are you happy? Or are you straining so hard you feel like your eyeballs are going to pop out? People can feel that. Yes the business is based on appearence but it's all based on inner beauty as well. You will be sitting on set with people for 14 hours straight. People don't want to work with attractive, talented soul suckers. They'd rather work with someone who may not be the most talented but a wonderful person.

As an actor, you must trancend being any race/gender/religion/being.
Yes, in your career you will be pigeon-holed and the roles you get may have you playing stereotypical characters. But it is your duty as an artist to push beyond that and define who you are on your own terms.

People who have done this: Tina Fey, Steve Martin, Mae West. Smart, pragmatic and in control of their careers. Those stars who didn't: Marilyn Monroe, Elvis Presley. Beautiful and talented but who gave up their power to others. The results are tragic.

Remember, it takes a while.
It takes 10-15 years to make it. Have you been working in the business that long? If you've been doing it 13 years, are you going to quit right before you "make it"?

Connect to a higher power.
Whoever or whatever gives you higher purpose and who inspires you to push forward with your art on a deeper level. Otherwise, the wind in your sails will die, you will stagnate and probably peeter out.

But you're different, right? Yes of course you are, you have the light of God in you...so shine like the powerful little spirit that you are, darnit! ^_^

(disclaimer: I'm not really religious so take "God" with a grain of salt)


Monday, October 5, 2009

Re - Centering

Feeling like I need a career "regrouping session" with myself. There's a lot going on, but I feel I still need to be sure I'm focused. I do this every now and then - when I feel the need to.

I have a career coach I'm really fond of - we do phone chats every now and then. Putting in a call to him seems to be in order. To check myself. I like him because he is the only career coach I've worked with that I dont feel like is trying to sell me on something - more sessions with him, a spot in his class, etc. (WATCH OUT for those types!!) The only thing he is trying to do is brainstorm and help me along my way. He truly seems to enjoy helping actors.

Feeling like something is missing - in this whirlwind of work I find myself in lately. I dont know what that could possibly be - but I know I need to be still and listen to that.....

Yoga yoga yoga here I come!

A Little Help

I have a lot of lines to learn for my one person piece, scenework to work on for my new acting class.....

And what am I doing? You guessed it - PROCRASTINATING!

Anyone who reads this blog knows by now that I struggle with this - that we ALL DO. I dont really know what the answer is to it all - except to notice it - to get to know those habits of yours you are not so proud of - and then forge ahead.

It helps me to write. So when I wrote about it this morning - I realized it was all due to fear. It was like an A-ha moment. Because I was wondering - why would I procrastinate doing something that I really do want to do? That makes zero sense. But there is a lot of fear in stepping up to the plate and doing something that makes you vulnerable - like you have your heart in your hand and instead of hiding it, you are cupping it in your hands and offering it up to strangers and saying:

"Here it is. Here I am, like it or not. Here's my everything."

And that is fucking scary!

So, what's the answer to this? Hmmmm.....I'm not sure if I really know.

Ok - I would say to be very brave and forge ahead. When we avoid, we are just scared. And that is a perfectly, wonderfully normal human experience.

So, I offer to you what I've learned so far --- ;)

Juliette Binoche - Tour de Force

I just saw Juliette Binoche's dance piece at BAM (Brooklyn Academy of Music). Man, I am so friggin lucky to live a 10 minute bike ride from this place - its like the Lincoln Center of Brooklyn!

She dances and choreographed this piece with Akram Khan, who my friend told me is one of the most famous choreographers in Europe.

Here's an article I found on this:

http://www.metro.co.uk/metrolife/article.html?in_article_id=298548&in_page_id=260

What was so inspiring to me was to see this powerful, amazing actress doing SOMETHING ELSE besides acting. No tunnel vision for this actress as to what her limits are!

The piece was a mix of dance, some scenes that were played out, and monologues - I love that they were able to make a combination of each performer's strengths, meanwhile challenging themselves.

See? There are no limits to what one can do ---

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Realizing Your Limits

Like I mentioned, the last few weeks have gotten pretty busy. I realized today that I need to simplify my life. So, I:

1) Regrettably, canceled dinner plans with friends I havent seen in a long time. (good friends understand when you have to do this)

2) Cancelled my participation in a video shoot for the film I am producing - we are shooting a fundraising teaser. I only canceled bc I know they have plenty of help already and, since I am NOT a cameraman, I really dont have to be there. I need a mental health day.

It's so important to realize your limits. So you can be healthy, happy and well-rested for when you are needed. That is one thing I took away from having health issues this summer: I'm no longer willing to burn the candle at both ends. I have to take care of myself so that I can be the best person that I can be in both my personal and my professional life. :)

Don't be afraid to take time off when its needed!

STRESS!!!!!!! And some growth ---

Two bumps in the road have recently occurred:

1) Had a first rehearsal for my one person piece and it was ROUGH!! My insecure side was sitting there going "holy shit, I dont know if I want to invite ANYONE to this!!"

But my matter-of-fact, "mama hen" to my creativity told me: "This is a rehearsal - that's what rehearsals are for - to work out the kinks. Now you know what you need to work on. Relax, and get to work!!"

I have to say, I've really grown in my ability to take constructive criticism. I dont take it personally. Constructive criticism is a guidepost to what you need to work on. Boy, a few years ago, I use to let it devour me - I'd get so upset - to the point that it was crippling. Thank the goodness for this growth - and all I can say is that it comes with time. Getting up and doing it over and over and over again - whether it be auditioning, being in front of a camera, working in class, or most likely a combo of all the above.....eventually your fears will lessen. You'll care less about what other people think, need compliments about your work a lot less, and just be committed to doing the best work that you can do.

2) Producing the film I'm working on has been very trying this week. I havent been able to get people to get back in touch with me as quickly as I would have liked. Things havent "moved." And that can be VERY frustrating. When you feel you are on top of things and others appear not to be. ANNOYING!

I realized that I needed to "care" about this project a little less. Not that I will work on it any less than I already am, but that it doesnt need to be my "everything." Projects come and go, they get pushed back, sometimes they disappear. You have to learn, somehow to go with the flow, and not invest every part of your being into them. If that makes ANY sense at all - but its like you have to be prepared to be disappointed at times, and not to take it personally.

Now, if its your own project, that's a whole other ballgame --

I got's my work cut out for me!

Sunday, September 27, 2009

A film I did getting some exposure!

A film I did a little while ago is getting some action. It won Best Feature Film at a couple of festivals recently.

There's a screening here in New York in October and an awards dinner I'll have to go to. This will be good for me to have to get out there and meet people and stand behind my work, publicly - something I usually shy away from - but am getting more comfortable with. I had to do a photoshoot last week - apparently, since the film is catching some buzz, they wanted to create a new movie poster. (which is good, the last one I saw, I looked constipated!)

I shot this film a couple of years ago. Such is the life of an actor. You shoot something, give it your heart, and hope for the best. You never know. And then the healthy thing to do is to let it go and move on to the next project. A lot of things you never hear anything about. Hell, some of them you never even see. Some of them you don't want to see. :) And then, every now and then there is something you are really proud of.

While this film certainly isnt flawless - I'm really proud of it. I met such amazing people that I still keep in touch with to this day. Some of them have brought me in to other projects. I got my SAG card because of this film.

You dont ever want to take any of that for granted.


Tuesday, September 15, 2009

My Road to My Agency

Some of my friends have asked me how I got to work with the agency I am currently with, so I thought I'd blog about it here to share the wealth:

1) First, I decided it was high time and that I deserved to have one. And not just anyone, a good one. Its typically easier to get a commercial agent then it is to get a legit agent, and although commercial work is not my ultimate goal, I'm certainly open to the idea of doing commercial work these days. Whateva pays the bills....

So, before I went and spent money on taking classes, or a "one on one," (a one on one is where you pay about $30 to meet an agent/manager/casting director)......I decided to do a mailing, (most economical route first) since I've had some friends who had luck in doing so. I dont recommend doing huge mass mailings often, (too time consuming and expensive) but I think targeted smaller ones cannot hurt every now and then.

2) I decided to mail to the 4 biggest agencies in New York - the agencies that have both a commercial AND legit dept. I had a really kick ass cover letter. I had things to talk about. (I'd recently almost booked a Pantene commercial my manager sent me out on) I told them about my "almost" booked work, my film work, some recent callbacks that I'd had and some namey auditions I'd been out on. All that stuff will help your cause. Sometimes you can be so busy that you forget how much you've really accomplished until you sit and write it down. All the "close calls." Instead of getting frustrated about not booking a job, turn that callback into ammunition for getting an agent or updating a casting director. Close calls turn heads!

3) Luckily, I have a manager. So I got her involved. I had her review my coverletter and give feedback. Then I put together a "press kit" for myself that included: a nice folder with my acting reel, 3-4 different headshots, my comp card (modeling card) and my manager's biz card. I addressed them all as though they came directly from my manager, with the coverletter attached to the outside of the folder.

4) And we got some interest. I came in, met with one of the commercial agents I'd mailed to, then had a second meeting with their entire commercial dept. Now I am signed with them.

The only thing I can say about meetings with agents: not to want it too badly. To go in, be yourself, have certain questions ready to answer such as:

-- what have you been up to lately?

-- which casting directors already know you?

-- review your resume in case they ask questions about specific projects

And generally, just be real and upbeat. Don't talk about or even hint about "how hard" it can be at times. No one wants to hear about that. (And sure, it can be tough, but then there are the ups too and you have to train yourself to focus on the ups instead - chin up!!) And dont "talk down" something you did like its no big deal. You dont need to exaggerate either, but just keep it genuinely positive.

Sidenote: Look amazing! Like you are going on a hot date or to a screening where you know you'll have your picture snapped. Hair and makeup in check. Get plenty of sleep. Do some yoga before. Buy a new outfit if you can - whatever you can do to feel really good about yourself.

5) I really love my commercial agency - and after a few months together, I asked my commercial agent if he felt comfortable passing my info onto their legit dept. I was lucky - he was incredibly supportive, so I put the same kit together for him to pass on that I'd originally sent to him in the first place. He was even kind enough to give me feedback on my letter before handing it over. He wanted to be sure that their legit dept saw me as a film and theater actress - so he advised me NOT to talk about my commercial or modeling work. (to this day there is still some snobbery about commercial actors not being good legit actors, which is not the case of course)

6) This legit agent called my manager when he received my package, I had a first interview, then recently a second one (again, refer to the advice above for holding this sort of meeting). We havent signed anything, but we are working together for a while to "see how it goes."

Some further advice about this:

--if you are writing a coverletter and feel like you have "nothing to talk about." What's that about? Give yourself time - BE PATIENT. Keep at it - keep self-submitting yourself, keep getting involved in readings, friend's projects, different organizations. Keep doing it! You'll soon gather a body of work, you'll get auditions and even callbacks and then YOU WILL have things to talk about.

--"I dont have a manager yet to help me out:" Just write the letter and send it in yourself. BUT - in a few days (I'd say no more than a week), call and follow up. Don't be afraid to do this - these people put on pants the same way you do each morning. They are not super human. You'd be surprised at how nice these folks can be. You are simply making a business transaction. Another good tip: place your material in a brightly colored envelope. So when they say "hmmmm.....I dont know if we got it yet," you can say "its in a bright red envelope."

Another sidenote: It may seem like this worked out so easily for me, but I've met with agents I would NEVER want to be with. One actually said to me, "who the fuck do you think you are, Naomi fucking Campbell??" (ok - this is a rare occasion and I was new to the city....this agent is known to be crazy!!) Another told me I wasnt "pretty enough." (that's when I learned to actually put some effort into my makeup/hair/wardrobe) And you bet that hurt! But hindsight, I'm happy NOT to be working with that agency, and it freed me up so I could be with the one I am with - and they are 1000 times better!

I hope this helps and that the above didnt scare you. You gotta get used to getting knocked down and getting right back up again. Being able to laugh about it all and not make it any more important than it really is. Cause in the grand scheme, its not that important. Having close friends and family is what's REALLY important.

There is no right or wrong way to go about these things. You have to find YOUR WAY. Relax. If you are committed to this work as a lifestyle, you'll find a way to do it. And its different for each of us. It sounds so cliche - but you must always be true to yourself and do what feels right for YOU.

;)

Good luck!

Recent Work

So, after all this time of "doing less," vacation, and reflecting, I am recharged and ready for fall - really excited about it. And I intend to follow through with my current projects with less "efforting" and more relaxation, via yoga, gym, meditation and eating well.

There are some exciting things "in the fryer" :

I'm co-producing a film starring Melissa Leo (2009 Oscar nominee - Frozen River) and Peter Gerety (The Wire). I feel very fortunate to be part of this project - Its a great script - very meaty. I'll learn a shitload and of course, I can't wait to see these actors work.

My one person piece is having a run at a theater here in New York end of October. I am performing and producing this with 3 other talented actors. We had our first production meeting tonight - its gonna be a lot of work - but oh so fun to be on stage again!

I had a second meeting with a really good legit agent (agent for TV, film and theater) and we are going to start working together. It's about time I started getting out there a little more with a good agency behind me.

Am shooting a film during October. Really excited about the part and the shooting style. The director is giving us a lot of freedom, and its a part I'm really looking forward to.

Considering I'll have auditions here and there, this is more than enough for me for fall. Although, lately I am feeling the need to write again - back to that ----

Monday, September 14, 2009

At Ease

Met a yogi while I was away on vacation and we became friends. She reminded me to practice my spirituality everyday. Her point was:

We work everyday, we exercise every day (some of us), we eat every day. Why wouldnt you make time every day to get quiet and give thanks when its so important?

So, I've been keeping that in mind since I've been back. And I have to say, I feel really awesome. At peace. Things that used to seem so urgent are minor. I've been going to yoga almost every day, meditating.....making time to go to meditation classes. And taking care of my body - hitting the gym and running - even though most of the time I dont want to. :)

This is my priority: my health and my spirituality. This and being there for my friends - really listening - instead of wanting to talk non-stop about myself. :)

And you know what? I seem to get more done.....when I'm not sitting around thinking about what I want and "dont have," packing my calendar, watching the clock bc I'm running late to my next appointment. Stressing about my future. Its like my entire life has more room to breath. I dont watch my bank account constantly - worried about money. And somehow, I seem to have enough. Especially when I spend it on others - instead of me me me me me.

I think I might have loosened my grip. Whatever it is, thank the goodness!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Juicy Stuff from a Yogi

Points my yoga teacher made in yesterday's class that I thought were really awesome:

-- Selfishness leads to struggling.....and struggling leads to selfishness. This really hit me bc I'm at a place in my life where I'm really making it a point to be more attentive of the needs of people around me, instead of me me me me me. Moments in my life when I was really struggling, I was pretty selfish, and when I was selfish, you got it - I really struggled.

-- Yoga starts off as a selfish practice, but then it becomes a selfless practice. Sometimes you need to be selfish so you can become more selfless.

-- There are 2 major emotions we spend our time in: Love and fear. I realized I spend a lot of my energy being fearful about things. So, I decided to focus on the love of all things, especially those where I am fearful.

I first practiced this right there in class: when I was on my yoga mat, I noticed how fearful I am while doing handstands in the middle of the room, and that fear holds me back, I can't seem to balance. And it makes me feel unhappy. As soon as I realized this, and place my intention on how much I LOVE doing handstands.....guess what? I kicked up and stayed up. And what was so interesting about it was the change in my energy: it was like the dark, fearful cloud had lifted. I was lighter. I wasnt worried. Nothing was standing there in my way.

I totally believe that what we yogi's do on our yoga mats is a metaphor for what is going on in our lives. And an opportunity to work with whatever is going on with us while on our mats, so that we can carry the changes and reflections into every day life. For instance, when I am feeling all over the place, unbalanced and overwhelmed, my balancing poses are off. I am wobbling around all over the place. When I am rushing through life or crazed with work and personal things, I often find my breathing is labored. When I zone out in class, I'm usually zoning out more in my day to day and I know I need more yoga and to relax.

One area in my day to day life where I know I can practice this switch from fear to love is: with auditions! I realized this is one area of my life that I pay way too much attn to my fear of it, instead of the love - the love of acting, the love of working on craft, the love of working on a character, the love of booking a part and working!

And remembering to simply have fun. If we are not having fun in life, what's the point, really??

;)

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Lessons from a Meditation Retreat

My sister went on a meditation retreat with my mom (seems all the women in my family, by pure coincidence, are meditating these days) and is a new person. Here's some things she told me she learned that I thought were very interesting and helpful:

-- she's recently having problems with a friend of her's (jealousy, judging them, etc) and the "head monk" told her that we are here to support our friends. And that's it! We are not here to judge them. We are here to be the best friend to them that we can be.

-- we all have the opportunity to start each day with a "clean slate." That means NOT holding grudges, not beating ourselves up over something in the past. We can start over each day - and let go.

-- because we are able to have a clean slate each day, people who have hurt us in the past deserve a clean slate too! Letting go and freeing ourselves of people who have hurt us in the past actually frees us - in the end we end up getting just as much out of this as the person we forgive. We arent walking around with the burden of harboring ill feelings toward the person who hurt us. We are free.

-- when someone criticizes you or hurts you with words - words are just sounds. When this happens, acknowledge that they are just sounds, and then let them go. Or when you have negative thoughts - your thoughts are just things. They are not you. Acknowledge that your thought is just a "thing," and then let it go.

Vacation Epiphanies

On my vacation I had a few surprises:

I discovered I didnt need to write. I found that writing actually helps me relax and focus - and I didnt need that while on a very relaxing vacation. So I didnt write a thing! I also wanted to live fully in each moment - instead of reflecting so much about it through my writing.

I didnt meditate either. I was so relaxed - we were out in the middle of nowhere, that I didnt feel the need to meditate.

I am very competitive and a pretty sore loser. We played cards (I came in second). We played table tennis (and playing with a bunch of tennis players, I sucked, and no longer wanted to play! What a weenie!!)

And something I was reminded of:

I NEED to travel. I'm a nomad at heart. I love learning about different cultures, talking to people.....living in different energies. Getting outside of my comfort zone and realizing I'll be ok. Its so important - to see that there is the whole big world out there - to remain open minded and curious about the world.....

I came back from this little getaway deciding 3 things:

1) I really want to take care of my body and mind. I have back pain that has become excruciating at times, due to scoliosis. Its hard for me to go out at night and sit at a nice long meal.....so its time to buckle down and get serious about taking care of this. So, I'm committed more than ever to strengthening my body by working out and doing pilates and yoga. Fortunately, I found a center in the city that has yoga classes for people with scoliosis - I'm really learning a lot about my body and what I can do to lessen the pain and strengthen my back. And its nice to be around and talk to people with similar issues.

For the mind: that's easy - Meditation!!

2) I'm committed to doing LESS. And being ok with that. You know - the "less is more" theory.

3) I'm committed to learning German. So I can speak to my in-laws.

Vacation always seems to bring some clarity.

"Getting Quiet" aka Listening to Your Inner Voice

I am back from vacation feeling relaxed, recharged and generally just grateful for all the good things in my life. Even for the moments that are tough - those are good lessons!

More on my vacation epiphanies later ----

But for now I am procrastinating rereading a script. That is a sure sign that I am not interested in the project. And I would be doing those involved a disservice by taking the part, they deserve someone who is excited. So, I know my answer......

I'm feeling better about my decision to NOT take on work at times. I used to, like most actors first starting out, take (almost) anything that came my way. And there was a time for that - I needed experience back then. And I had some kick ass experiences and some challenging ones, but what was most important were the lessons that came with each project. And the people I met. Some turned out to be good friends that I continue working with over and over.... and others, well, it would really be ok if I never saw them again. But I have to say the latter is an almost non-existent list. Ha. Thank God!

And then I started turning things down here and there. But I had such guilt when I did this, and fear that I wouldnt find more work. Hindsight, this is all part of the process of being a creative soul. Trusting that there is always more.

These days I feel confident that I can make good choices about where I spend my time. And NOT feel guilty. Ok, maybe a little guilt, but not enough to make me take something my heart is not into. My choices must have heart. I trust the inner voice that tells me "yes" or "no." And I do my best not to get logical about it - it is simply something that pulls you toward your yes or your no.

If you are having a hard time deciding something, I recommend getting quiet. Going to a yoga class, meditating, being in nature. You'll get your answer.....


Saturday, August 22, 2009

Zen-like Aries (oxymoron???)

Going on vacation and I have decided to do something very un-Aries:

To focus on one thing.

Just the thought makes me fretful and short of breath.

Ha.

Usually when I travel, I'll bring a handful of books, because, well you never know your mood, what if I can't focus on one and get bored - then at least I'll have something else to read, blah blah blah. At the end of the day it just ends up weighing down my carry-on bag. And then I get overwhelmed by all the choices of books I've brought and how I want to get through them ALL at once (and that's impossible!).

So, I'm bringing Anna Karenina - which I have been reading off and on all summer. And that's that.

No acting books, plays, meditation books, or "how to live your life fully" kinds of books (I refuse to admit this is the "self-help" genre!).

Silly as it sounds, it will be a good exercise for me.

I've also been writing different things here and there all summer - sort of a smattering of my thoughts, put into scenes. I find I work best this way when I write - if I just lay it all out there, eventually there is an underlying theme that starts to guide my work. Having an idea and then trying to force my writing into it just doesnt work for me. I know I will need to write while away (I need to write almost as much as I need to eat these days) too, that's just a given. I've always written, especially when I travel. So other than my usual journaling and doodling and "hashing it all out," I am bringing ONE scene I have written to fine-tune.

Maybe I'll get to it, maybe I won't. No pressure - just if it sounds like fun while on vacation.

I am very happy and excited about these un-Aries like decisions. Somehow, I am peaceful now too.

For now...... ;)

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Letting Go

A director I worked with a few years ago contacted me about a horror project he was working on - a trailer for his wife's current project. So I just spent two days shooting with them - covered in molasses (blood), filming creepy scenes, learning more about special affects --- way cool! And meeting some really nice people - always a nice bonus! 

And this, my friends, was all from letting go ----- a.k.a doing nothing --

Another quote I love:

Chase a butterfly and you'll never catch it......sit quietly and it will land on your shoulder........


Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Going Inward

Not writing here as much lately, feel the need to be a little more private and have taken the month off to be reflective and get in touch with those parts of myself that have nothing to do with being an actress. 

So I've been beaching, biking, getting in touch with old friends, writing, meditating, doing yoga, cooking and taking care of my body. I'm even running (which I usually despise!).

I find I have to have these times when I remove myself from the world of the actor, completely, for a while. To recharge, renew, reconnect. 

Some things I've learned (or relearned) about myself:

-- I love to cook a good meal! 

-- I look outward a little too much for my answers, I have to remind myself, and practice going inward. Yoga, writing and meditation help me with this. 

-- I really need quiet time (does this mean I am getting old?) 

-- I multi-task more than I care to admit. So I've been giving myself little challenges, like eating my meal without doing anything else - no reading, checking email, gabbing on the phone, etc. 

-- I must create my own work. I dont think the path of the actress who auditions relentlessly for work is for me. Auditions are a side note. A bonus. I need more than that. 

-- As much as I enjoy solace, I really do need people. I love to learn new things, hear about what's going on with other people, hear a good story, laugh, etc. 

-- I have a hard time giving! Not on every level in life; but in my yoga class lately, they ask you to offer up your practice to someone else in your life. I find that: I dont want to! I want to give it all up to myself. Ha. And that says something about my inner life. So, I'm trying to be more giving - and to forget about me me me me me...... 

-- I am not happy when I chase anything in life. I'm happier when I practice letting things come to me. 

Speaking of which, this month of "doing nothing" (I call it my meditation retreat without actually going on one) has made the coming months effortlessly full. Guess there's something to all this!  

-- And the most important thing I've learned is that sometimes I need to keep things to myself. Whether it be something I'm working on, an idea I have, or something I'm reflecting on. I use to think people that did this were selfish -- I always wanted them to "share the goods." But now I understand. There's an energy to that - some magic that is happening that you dont want to tamper with. 

-- ok, the other most important thing I learned: to always always always always trust my intuition. No matter if logic is screaming for me to go right instead of left. If intuition says go left, go left!

;) 

Monday, July 27, 2009

Living Warrior

"Once there was a young warrior. Her teacher told her that she had to do battle with fear. She didnt want to do that. It seemed too aggressive; it was scary; it seemed unfriendly. But the teacher said she had to do it and gave her instructions for the battle.

The day arrived. The student warrior stood on one side, fear stood on the other. The warrior was feeling very small, and fear was looking big and wrathful. They both had their weapons. The young warrior roused herself and went toward fear, prostrated 3 times, and asked:

"May I have permission to go into battle with you?"

Fear said, "Thank you for showing me so much respect that you ask permission."

Then the young warrior said, "How can I defeat you?"

Fear replied, "My weapons are that I talk fast, and I get very close to your face. Then you get completely unnerved, and you do whatever I say. If you dont do what I tell you, I have no power. You can listen to me, and you can have respect for me. You can even be convinced by me. But if you dont do what I say, I have no power."

In that way, the student warrior learned how to defeat fear.

From "When Things Fall Apart," by Pema Chodron

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Back from VaCay....

....And the question is: how do I keep a little bit of this relaxation I slinked into while away, in my everyday life here in NYC?

There is a really terrific book I'm reading again, about living the creative life called "Letters to a Young Poet." Its fantastic!  In the early 1900's, a "young poet" wrote several letters to Rainer Maria Rilke (established poet) asking him all things on his mind about writing, process, creativity, dealing with people, being open to change, and on and on......published here in this book are the responses he got from Rilke. 

One bit of advice comes to mind directly from this book as I ponder how to live with more ease and trust, while persuing my dreams: to "enjoy the questions as much as you enjoy the answers....." 

OK....?? :)

Doing a reading tomorrow night and then shooting a part in a film on Thursday night --- Also starting to submit my one person piece to festivals here and there --- oh! which by the way, I never blogged about - my first public show of this piece on July 1st went really really well! (and out of superstition, that's all I want to say about that for now....) What was most important, was that it was FUN! 

;)

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

One Person Piece Update

SOOOOOO ----

I'm doing a staged reading of my one person piece, "so far" - tonight! I have to say I am REALLY proud of it and am actually patting myself on the back for going after this -- I was really scared in the beginning - but now I'm excited and just having fun.

It awakened a different part of my creative life --- using muscles I'd never used before. REALLY COOL.

I'm amazingly relaxed about it....(wow! That's a new one.....)

The big lesson I learned here:

Whilst I was chipping away at it - a lot of my friends were running around, doing their own thing - booking plays/films, making their own films, etc, etc. And its very natural, while being totally happy for them and supportive, to want to run off and go make my own film, refocus on auditioning, etc, etc because I see them bearing fruit in their own creative lives. I felt at times like I was missing out on something while I was focused on writing my piece. It was hard.

But now that I am doing this reading tonight - I'm really happy that I focused on it - as difficult as it might have been to switch gears, not compare myself to others, etc. And I made a whole new set of friends throughout this process - I have so many ideas of where I want to go next with it........

What I've learned about myself, is that its terribly important that I focus on the task at hand. I'm an Aries - I want to run around doing 1000 things at once - its a blessing and a curse at times! I get distracted REALLY easily ---

Speaking of getting distracted - I gotta wrap this up and go rehearse one more time today! Wish me luck tonight!!!

Onward and Upward (and everything in between!)

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

The Bridge Update

It's finito!

Just popped a copy of the film we shot during April/May - "The Bridge," in the mail. Our first film fest submission so far - the biggest festival in Asia ---

And then I placed the post office receipt on the fridge and drew a heart on it - as a reminder of this victory! :)

Monday, June 29, 2009

Update

Some pretty cool stuff has happened recently:

--Booked a lead in a one act play festival

--Had meetings with a couple of really good agents

--Booked a print modeling job for Discover Card - and worked with a really sweet actress - we gabbed all day long! 

--Set up a couple of meetings with writers I like - am hoping to start to write something together. My hope is to write a screenplay I can take the lead in. 

--Am doing a staged reading of my one person piece with 3 other talented actresses in a couple of days

--Went out on my first voiceover audition - FUN! 

Friday, June 26, 2009

Michael

I'm so saddened by the death of Michael Jackson. Talk about someone who touched so many lives with his talent, his beautiful, heartfelt songs and of course, his DANCE MOVES!

I spent the early hours of the morning watching old footage of him on Youtube. I kept watching his performance of "Billie Jean" from the 25th year celebration of Motown. To me, that is when his light shined brightest - when he was on top of the world and still innocent, with the world at his feet - how I'll remember him:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8VASYhabHkM

I realized what a big influence he'd had on my life, like he's always been there from the time I was 8 yrs old up until now. His music was the music of my childhood. And oh, the things I'd forgotten about: the glittery glove, the white socks, how badly I wanted one of those red leather jackets like he wore for Thriller (and how my mom refused to buy me one. I had to settle for parachute pants instead).

What a contribution this bright light made during his short time here on this earth. I just hope that he left us happy with his life, and realizing what a positive influence he'd had on so many.

I heard a solo performer once say during his show that his father, on his deathbed, told him "not to leave this earth without having used all his God-given talent." Well, while I think Michael Jackson certainly had more left in him had he had more time.....none of us can argue that he didnt squeeze out every ounce that he could while he was here. This man will always hold a special place in my heart ---

Rest in peace - MJ - and thanks for sharing your beautiful talent with the rest of us.....I consider myself lucky to have lived during your time. 

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Nice Reminders --

"This is a path for the courageous and the faithful. You must find another reason to work, other than the desire for success or recognition. It must come from another place."

- Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love

"Quit your complaining. It's not the world's fault that you wanted to be an artist. It's not the world's job to enjoy the films you make, and it's certainly not the world's obligation to pay for your dreams. Nobody wants to hear it. Steal a camera if you have to, but stop whining and get back to work!"

-Werner Herzog, German filmmaker

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Out of the Fog and Into the Light

Man, I've learned a lot about the way I operate in recent days. When I need to make a change in my life, I fall into despair (clinging to old habits). I get depressed and angry - then I need to talk to some of my girlfriends about it. Sort it out. Bless these women!!! Lucky, lucky me.

Then I have to let whatever it is I'm clinging onto go - completely. I usually let go out of being tired or too frustrated by whatever it is that is bothering me. This whole process takes me about 10 days.

Its more of an exorcism.

But then change can happen.

Sure, I wish I had an easier, quicker, more laid back way of going about it. But this is who I am. And fortunately, I have a partner and friends who love all of me - the relaxed, chill Michelle and the crazy lunatic Michelle. One is really not better than the other - all parts of a whole (me) - and I learn from both parts of myself.

I'm just glad that I have it in me to make changes when I need to. Even when I don't want to at first.

In this biz, you have to have a thick skin. The more opportunities you have to audition, the more opportunities you have to work. And the more opportunities you have to come so close to booking - to then not get the job, and its usually for reasons out of your control. Dealing with audition opportunities that do not bear fruit (in that you don't get the job) can be tough. You must be able to see the value in simply going to an audition. For starters, they called you in and didn't call in a lot of other people. You get to meet new people. Work on your craft. Get more comfortable each time you audition.

BUT --- the reminder I've had through all of this, is that you must create your own work - in order to be sure you get to express yourself. You cannot wait to be hired for someone else's project to do this. It's too important! And in our own hands......

And then you have to let it go. And be sure acting is not the most important thing to you. That you have other hobbies, things to talk about, friends outside of the biz.

So, I'm really grateful for these exorcisms! :) After all the fog - clarity is right around the corner.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Taking Back My POWER

Writing class is so much fun! I had a rehearsal tonight with my coach - the piece is really coming along and I'm really looking forward to doing the reading in a couple of weeks with the other actresses. Each piece is totally different from each other - I think it will be a lot of fun for the audience to watch and listen to! :)

I've decided to take a break from auditioning - unless something really great comes along. I need to work on some of my own stuff and CHILL OUT MORE. Live in my power!! I want to work with more writers - what I'd really love is to commission a writer to write a short film for me. I've put out a call to a couple of writers I know - we'll see what happens......

Friday, June 12, 2009

It Ebbs and It Flows --

Feeling back in the saddle today - after a load of sleep last night, doing some writing and reading some other blogs. I swear the latter is the best way for me to pull myself up - reading blogs posted by other actors. Helps me feel that I am not alone in this when I get down.

I find too that I get overwhelmed/depressed when I try to take on too much. I start looking at my life as "not enough," instead of with contentment. And this is always a sure red flag. This article really helped me to review my goals and PARE DOWN. I realized I am too all over the place and I need to refocus my energy.

http://zenhabits.net/2009/05/3-ways-to-get-more-done-with-the-power-of-less/

And meditation practice, you are about to get more love from me! Sorry I neglected you!!

Thursday, June 11, 2009

The Crazy Crazies

Been very depressed over the last few days. Triggered by this health "thingy." I went to a print casting today for a mental health drug and I couldnt help but think, "Boy, I'm the perfect poster-girl for this right now." Ha ha. At least I have a sense of humor in times like these.

I keep thinking about something I read recently:

"Artists….have their ups and downs….for a while everything you do is wonderful or you think it is then you slide down….pulling yourself up again is the most important part of your life.”

Sometimes I just don't know how to pull myself up and I linger in self-pity for several days. Everything sucks, everyone sucks, I suck, you suck, etc, etc, etc. And then I get sick of it and that's that. I have to move on.

I have a friend who is working like crazy lately, she's my best friend here these days - and she met up with me and listened to my sorrows as I devoured waffles topped with melted chocolate and a hot chocolate on the side (told you it was bad.....). And I felt so vulnerable telling her the crazy thoughts that go on inside my head, all my fears and insecurities. And at the moment when I was feeling most loser-like and vulnerable, I looked across the table, beyond the disappearing mountain of chocolate waffles at her and just when I thought she was going to give me that "GIRLFRIEND, you ARE CRAZY look - the "wow, look at the time, I think I gotta get goin" look -- she gave me her own "crazy" story for every story I had and we spent the whole afternoon topping each other's stories of moments of craziness.

It was just what I needed. :)

So I've been sorta getting things done this week. Walking around like Rain Man, really. But that's ok. I think I need to try to be really kind to myself right now. Or just not be so hard on myself if I'm not accomplishing all my "goals."

Breath in, breath out......smile? Hey, now there's an idea.....!

Here's a list of things I came up with that might help you combat the blues:

1) Spend time with a caring friend

2) Yoga (or exercise of your choice)

3) Write

4) Get it all out - complain, bitch and then MOVE ON (poor husband....)

5) Try not to beat yourself up - you are human - and frustration, sadness, etc are all colors of your emotional rainbow

6) Go see beautiful things - kids playing in the park, art exhibit, etc.

7) Sleep (or other forms of relaxation, like getting a massage)

8) Reading other people's blogs. You'd be amaze to see that you are not alone!

9) And of course, retail therapy is always an option



Monday, June 8, 2009

C'est la vie

Avoiding writing. Again. I know as soon as I start - it will be ok....its just the starting that is the trick for me. But I've looked up during my procrastination just about everything I possibly can on the Internet. That's good. Now I'll have no choice but to get started.

I had a little scare recently with my health. I go to the doctor again soon - and from what I've heard from people I've talked to I'll truly be ok. But I've been very out of sorts over the last few days over it, needless to say.

So I had to cancel an audition yesterday because of all this. And now my manager tells me this casting director is upset with me. So I guess I'll give him a call tomorrow to try to smooth things over. Maybe. Might be best to just let it go. I'm not sorry that I had to cancel, but sorry that I came off as unprofessional. I get it - I've cast projects myself and its annoying when people no-show. But, hey, I did call and I did the best I could do in that situation so if this guy wants to hold it against me - its really out of my hands. C'est la vie.

On a more positive note - I had an audition today with a really big casting director. So I'm pleased that I got to meet her. More details on that later.....

And you know, things are pretty good. I'm getting more and more callbacks and going in for some "namey" projects more often (although, like Melissa Leo, I'll never give up my indie film roots!!). I have an audition coach that I work really well with, and I'm writing! This health "thingy" that came up, really had me starting to think about how I want to live my creative life (and personal life too). And, coincidentally, I recently met a woman who is pursuing the things I want to pursue. Like me, she started off as actress, but now that's a side note. She produces/writes/directs & occasionally acts in her own work. And that's the direction I'd like to take. I find myself feeling a little too vulnerable at times as pure actress. I need more control over my creative life. It's funny bc after the second film I ever shot, it was so nerve-wracking for me being in front of the camera - I really didnt like it - and I thought I might want to go behind the scenes. But the director of this film urged me not to - insisted that I continue to pursue acting 100%. So I have.

But now I find myself feeling the same way - being pulled in that direction again. Wanting to collaborate more with other filmmakers/writers. So I think I need to listen to that.

Here's to exploring the many sides of ourselves.....

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Yep, the way it goes sometimes ---

So, didnt get the part I recently auditioned for that I really wanted. Ah, well.....the casting director told my manager I was "great," and I know that's good and she'll keep me in mind for future parts. And that's all part of it - making good impressions for future projects.

AND BESIDES -- I have an audition tomorrow for a film that Jim Jarmush (!) is producing. His production company was downstairs from my old apt in the East Village - and I'd see him sometimes on the street. (he did Coffee and Cigarettes and wrote Broken Flowers, etc). AND - I have an audition on Monday for a....um, Julia Roberts film. No kidding! How 'bout them apples??

Onward and upward, indeed! ;)

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Satisfaction --

That's how my writing class makes me feel. Satisfied.

I can't encourage you enough to do whatever it is that keeps pulling at you - no matter how "not a part of your plan" it may seem. I never saw myself doing a solo show (which is what this class is helping me write), but over the last 3 years, it kept coming up - something made me run out and see solo performances whenever I could - there was a curiosity that just wouldnt go away - as much as I tried to ignore it. So, when that happens, its a sure sign that there is a need inside that needs to be tended to. To help us live as fully as we can! Which reminds me of one of my favorite quotes (yep, I've probably already posted this before, but here we go again anyway!):

Gaze into the fire, into the clouds, and as soon as the inner voices begin to speak..surrender to them. Don't ask first whether it's permitted, or would please your teachers or father or some god. You will ruin yourself if you do that. -H. Hesse

M

Friday, May 29, 2009

Callback

I went to my callback for that feature a couple of days ago - its for a part I'd love to get - so there was more pressure....I find that at a first audition I'm getting to where I'm pretty comfortable (unless its for a major network - I get real nervous about those - even if its for a smaller part - dont know how to get over that other than try try try again....)

I really worked this piece with hubby and my audition coach. I wanted to knock it out of the ballpark. My feeling on my auditions in general, is that I want to feel that I "knocked it out of the ballpark," and the rest is up to the casting gods. Out of my hands. But as long as I know I really did the best I could - I'm ok with it and I can let it go. Ok, well, 85% of me can let it go. Ha ha.
As I rode over on the subway, I could literally feel the nerves starting to kick in and I thought "oh no!!!" But I know its bc I really wanted it. As I walked toward the building where the audition was taking place I felt that my breath getting shallow, muscles were tensing a.k.a : I was nervous. Shit! This hasnt happened in a while!

Even in the elevator, I felt everything tightening, all my impulses starting to harden and shut down. And that's when I was like "Michelle, get it together, girl! Relax.....ok now breath. There you go. No big deal. And you know this stuff - so its gonna be ok. But you cant knock it out of the ballpark if you start to shut down!! Yes, keep breathing, keep releasing. There you go....."

So that little internal pep talk helped. Sometimes nerves can help an audition, depending on the character. Not this one (shit!). She's confident, in control and sure of herself (at least she thinks she is) in a "too cool for school" kind of way. i.e. - she's NOT nervous! Once I signed in, I started walking around, as the character - I had on these great heels that help me connect to her. Sometimes you can "find the character" through something as simple as that - a piece of clothing, a walk, a gesture, knowing the archtype. I somehow jumped into "super confident" mode because I had no choice.

And the audition went really well. There were 3 people in the room and they were cracking up through a lot of it. (good sign) I met the director who was really sweet - everyone was so nice and it seemed like it would be a fun set to be on. And I'm more of a drama girl - so doing a comedy would be a nice change. Sooooo - we shall see - but the golden rule to auditioning is you let it go as soon as you walk out that room - again, its up to the casting gods.....

Onward and upward!

Monday, May 25, 2009

World War III (otherwise known as audition preparation), updates, and reflecting

Oy vey! Every time I work with the hubby on an audition - its pretty disasterous! We end up yelling at each other, picking on each other, pissed off - its no fun!

I have a callback tomorrow for a feature I auditioned for a few days ago - fun fun part! Fun fun script! Wish me luck.....

I havent really written much of anything in recent days - and I have my writing class tomorrow. So its gonna be a late night.....as I've admitted to before, sitting down and starting is the challenge, just as a painter stares at the daunting, empty canvas. Once the pen starts moving on the paper I am fine -- its just the mind that gets in the way and makes the process of sitting down and focusing difficult.

I'm still working on Rabbit Hole. We worked on it Sunday with our acting coach - and she gave us some really good advice about where to go with the scene, how to add more layers to it. I really see myself growing in my work - trusting more and judging a lot less. And man, you have to let go of the "judge," or else all creative impulses become stifled!! Coincidentally, I read that my girl Nicole (Kidman) is producing and starring in the film version of this play. Go Nicole!

I realized over the weekend that I felt really peaceful. I think its because I'm pushing myself to take some risks: taking this writing class and expressing myself in that way, working on my monologues - working on an area in my craft that I LOVE to avoid, and being proactive about following up with casting directors I've met in the past. Taking charge....

Oh - and I'm doing another reading on Sunday for Torn Page Productions - this came from my recent readings at The Actor's Studio. So, as they say: work begets work. I actually had to turn down another invitation to do a reading on Wednesday - I'm too busy! Gotta pick and choose your battles......