Process

This week has been quiet audition wise. I haven't been hustling up auditions myself because I feel like I needed to take a little time off from that. The hubby and I had 3 days of "Staycation," i.e. we didn't go anywhere, but we turned off all cell phones and laptops and chilled - went to the park, went to a meditation center. Oh and we did this really cool thing - we went to a spa and floated in a dark, salt water bath for an hour. It's like you are in your mother's womb all over again - very relaxing. This and several other fun activities are listed in the book "50 Places to Find Peace and Quiet in New York City." A must have if you've lived here for more than 5 years.....gotta find ways to clear your head in this town!

So, I've been writing quite a bit, another screenplay reading has come my way at the Actor's Studio so I'm reading that too. Oh and I decided to work on a play on my own. Another actress and I have decided to work on "Rabbit Hole" in our oh so spare time. We met today and I feel I've really started to grow as an actress. I have more confidence in my choices.

I'm doing this thing in my writing too where I'm developing characters - I turn on a tape recorder and let different characters speak. Sometimes I use what's called "sub-part" work (see the book "Embracing Ourselves," I forget the authors names - a couple, Hal and Sidra Stone I think....), which is where you basically walk into an energy and let it speak. Or sometimes I use a gesture, sometimes a character I've worked on before. There are many ways to go about it. What's key is to not judge it AT ALL. But let it talk. Tomorrow I'll type out everything I taped, and sift through it to see if there's anything I want to hold onto. FUN!

More than anything, the writing has really taught me a lot about process. Sitting down, allowing the pen to move on the paper (or laptop), doing your best not to judge it or expect a masterpiece. Just keep moving the pen and trust that everything will come together. It may take months or years, but it will come together. Or maybe this piece inspires something else. Or maybe its simply a writing exercise.....that's okay too.

That has been a challenging part of my journey in the arts - my Aries tendencies do not like waiting around, not knowing the outcome of things. But the good news is that I do see progress with my patience, with the "not knowing." And I believe that is a challenging part of being in the arts. Especially if you are one (like me) who comes from a background with a lot of structure - having gone to college, worked in offices for a while. Liking things wrapped neatly with a bow. So I believe I've become more comfortable with letting go. It simply takes time and patience and doing it over and over again........

Avoidance

Here I go. Again. I'm suppose to be writing. What am I doing instead? All kinds of silly things around the house, checking email, etc. ANYTHING but writing. When I dont have an assignment I can write and write, but when it comes to HAVING to write - well, that's a different story. And structure kind of freaks me out.

Ok. I'm giving myself 5 more minutes of doing stupid things around the apt, then I MUST hit the writing. I find once I get started, I'm ok. But its just the STARTING that is hard...

Any writers out there feel this way?

Givin it Back --

Today was one of those days I'm grateful for.

No auditions today - so I decided that I wanted to volunteer some of my time this week. I've been incredibly fortunate lately, I've been able to meet and work with great people - so, I have been feeling the need to "give back." And I think its important. Actors are often "takers" by nature. We are out there hustling, meeting people, trying to make strides in our careers, and sometimes we get so caught up in that that we forget to ask the person in front of us: "so how are YOU doing

lately?"

I heard a funny quote once that said: "if you want to spot an actor, start talking to the person about something other than themselves. If their eyes glaze over and they lose interest - bingo! You are talking to an actor."

Ha ha.

So, I do try to be very conscious of this and not get too caught up. Just like anyone else, sure, sometimes I do. In an attempt to try to balance myself out - I try to give when I can. Today I helped a friend with her rehearsal and I volunteered my afternoon at a local theater. It was terrific. The rehearsal was me, my friend and her director. She's doing a one woman piece (she did not write) and I served in the rehearsal as the imaginary person she's talking to. What fun! It reminded me of how much I LOVE the theater. I love being on a stage - I feel like I could die right there on stage and I'd be very very happy! I'd have a big smile on my face, I'm sure of it. I love working on, creating, understanding characters. What fun! Oh! To be on a stage! And the story she told was based on a real woman's life - so touching, so sweet.

At the theater I volunteered at today, there wasnt much going on. I ran a couple of errands for them. Helped tidy up. Then most of the time we gabbed. I met a couple of playwrights. It's nice to be in that energy - that hub of theatrical creativity and I think it will be good for me - to come there and give back from time to time and be around positive, like-minded peeps.

It felt so good, that I want to find more ways to help my fellow artists and volunteer more of my time.

I also want to do a play at a reputable theater or in a reputable festival this year......

The Most Ancient Beauty Secret in the World

I recently worked with a couple of actors in different situations that were, how should I say, hhhmmm. Let's just say I was not overly impressed with their work ethic.

But you know what I noticed within myself after all this that I've been observing and curious about? My need to criticize these folks REPEATEDLY. And I know when I do this that there's really something going on with me - that I'm unhappy about something within myself, and its causing me to take it out on other people.

So, while I was feeling a little disappointed with myself about this, I ran into a great write up about this kind of thing. It's from Gwyneth Paltrow's website. (She has a great site by the way - full of fun things and great recipes. I recommend the Valentine's Day menu she created - the oysters are AWESOME!)

Here's the link about the "evil tongue:" http://goop.com/newsletter/30 - I found it very helpful and inspiring.

Some interesting points made:

“Evil tongue” both reflects and maintains a very low level of being, far short of what we humans are capable of and what actually feeds our souls.

The more you are dominated by negativity, the more you will experience the world as threatening, isolated, competitive, harsh and even meaningless. And the more you lash out at others to shore up your fragile sense of identity, the more firmly you chain yourself to the bottom of the staircase. Your level of being dictates the reality you perceive, not the other way around.

Thus, spiritual teachers in all the great traditions have unanimously insisted that if we want to know the good, the true and the beautiful as active energies in our lives, we need to stop trafficking in negativity (gossip, slander and evil tongue at the top of all lists). The active practice of lovingkindness is not a Pollyanna-ish evasion of reality; it is the surest and most time-tested way of accessing that alternate – and higher – reality: like moving up to the penthouse of your being rather than hanging out in the basement.

Yes, evil tongue may be a good pickling agent, but lovingkindness, consistently practiced, gradually sculpts people whose faces shine with gentleness, serenity and delight (just think of His Holiness the Dalai Lama). It’s the most ancient and universal beauty secret in this world.

A Wiff of Impermanence

So much for a quiet week of working on scripts and doing some writing....

As I walked into the Actor's Studio for the second reading, I got a call from my manager about an audition at HBO tomorrow. For the role of Sarah Michelle Gellar's sidekick in a pilot she is starring in and producing. Nice one. Then my commerical agent called me about another audition for tomorrow too. So, so far tomorrow is looking like:

--go to salon and get hair blown out in the early morning (a must for big auditions - hey, you not only look great and camera ready, but you also feel more confident with a fabulous head of hair!) Any actress reading this - you need to find someone you can have on stand by for big auditions. As one Casting Director told me kindly a couple of years ago when I came in with hardly any makeup and a flat head of hair (and thinking that its only about talent - SHUH!): "you gotta look like one of the girls on Desperate Housewives EVERY time you walk through that door...."

--HBO audition

--Apple commercial audition

--coaching for my theater audition on Thursday

--spend afternoon writing for class

--writing class in the evening

--come home, work on theater audition

At the Actor's Studio today, I had a chance to meet the writer of the piece I'm auditioning for on Thursday. She was really nice - smart lady. I wish I would have had more questions lined up for her - but this is one of those pieces that I really feel you have to bite and chew a little bit at a time and would be really fun and challenging to work on. Is abstract and I dig it! I like a challenge.

The reading itself went well. I really liked this ensemble of actors this time. Last time was fine too, but I dont know, something about this group just jived. And each person I'm very fond of - a handful I know from various acting classes I've taken in the city. And super talented. Good company to be part of....

Good times, good times.

Scripts, scripts, scripts

Today was nice. I devoted my time to working on 2 pieces - I have another reading at The Actor's Studio tomorrow night - just came back from rehearsal. We have a really good group of actors and our director, Dunsten is super sweet and very patient. And a few of the actor's I'm friendly with outside of this, so its always good to see and work with friends. My character seems to be rounding out a bit, I feel I'm finding my way a little more and naturally, so that feels good. Of course, its a totally different ballgame when you are on the stage in front of the audience, the nerves start to quicken, but it feels great and always good to get on a stage.

I also have this theater audition on Thursday. The piece is not straight forward at all - I've read it many times and still have questions! But it would be a cool challenge and I hate to admit it, but so far I really want this part! So send me some good vibes on Thursday - I'll need it!

Its quiet this week as far as auditioning goes, but some of the other actors I worked with tonight mentioned the same thing. I'm actually thankful - last week was hectic and this week I really want to focus on these two pieces. I turned down a few auditions toward the end of last week and today. You have to pick and choose your battles - none of the pieces really spoke to me or I just felt it was time for me to focus on these two projects instead, because they are important to me. Either way it feels good to have the wisdom to prioritize, to not feel I have to go out to every single audition, but to know that more are around the corner and I can choose to be selective about how I spend my time. There are times when one has to focus on other things like $$$ or craft or reading plays or hey, what about personal life?? And the most confident, successful actors I know have that quality. They dont overbook out of fear of there not being enough. They know there is plenty.....and that's the kind of actor I choose to be......Quality not Quantity. :)

Patience is a Virtue

I realize right now at this moment that I want something I can really sink my teeth into. Specifically a lead in a theater piece. I'd settle for film too. :) All this other stuff going on is great, don't get me wrong and I'm very very grateful. And I've got work for later this summer. But I'm sitting here and I'm feeling something missing. That sense of "dissatisfaction" that Martha Graham talks about.

Oh yeah, have I shared that quote? Here it is:

"There is a vitality, a life force that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. If you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open....no artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive....."

So, I guess what I'm experiencing is that "blessed unrest...."

oy :)

Procrastination (and updates as a form of procrastination)

Ok - so I admit I'm avoiding my writing assignment for my writing class. I have a private session with the teacher later this afternoon. While I'm actually very excited about it, I'm scared at the same time bc I feel we'll be digging in deep into personal stuff. But I feel there's some things there I need to explore and release and express.

"No big deal, Michelle, just have FUN!!" I keep telling myself.

OK OK OK. I got it......

So, in other news, I have an audition next week for a play that will be part of the Edinburgh Play Festival in Scotland! NICE! This is a highly reputable festival, so I'm really honored to get to audition for a part in it. Someone connected to this play saw me at the Actor's Studio reading I did a couple of nights ago and contacted my manager. Who knew?

I also found out I have a callback for a commercial audition I had last week. Commercials = money = more time to spend doing the things I really want to do. We LOVE commercials!!!!

It's eating at me that I need to carve out some "marketing time." I do this at least every couple of weeks. Well, I do it daily, but I mean a whole day or at least an afternoon of follow up, reaching out, research, etc. Getting my pictures out there, updating people on my most recent happenings. Some good close calls have happened recently, and I know I need to use this to try to get some appointments. And getting back in touch with casting directors I'm friendly with. Maybe Monday???

One thing at a time....

A terrific book about the business of acting: "Acting as a Business" by Brian O'Neil. He's sort of a guru about town on this and I've definitely used some of his tactics with success. I highly recommend this book. I find that most actors (self included), especially in the beginning of their careers, spend so much time on craft. And that's important. But its just one slice of the pie of your acting career. Another big one that I've started to pay more attn to in the last year or so is the business of it all. And like anything else, when you give this some attn, you will definitely see results, as long as you are consistent.

Oh! As far as our film goes, our lead guy/dry cleaner has agreed to give us the extra half day we need (Thank God!), but we are shooting next Sunday instead....boy, making a film is NEVER easy. One of my old acting coaches use to talk about how making a film is a small miracle. I think he's right....

Sweeeettt!

Today was kinda hectic - was preparing for an indie audition for 5pm, when I got a call for a part on an NBC pilot for 5pm also, so I had to cancel the indie audition and drop everything to prepare for the NBC.

In the meantime, I also had to put myself on tape for the third time for the Chris Columbus film AND then we found out that our lead actor (who is actually not an actor, he's our dry cleaner!) may bail on the final day of shooting our film, which was set for this Sunday. OY. Apparently his wife is pissed that for the last 3 weekends he has been shooting with us on their only day off. Can't say that I dont understand, but man, we are SCREWED if that happens. We find out tomorrow for sure the verdict. Fingers crossed. So scheduling and everything is on hold til he lets us know.

Small heart attacks.....

When I walked into NBC, I went into the bathroom and burst into tears from stress and feeling overwhelmed and at the same time very grateful for all the good stuff going on. Remember the Aries trait I mentioned....on the verge of a meltdown at all times.....?? I dont really know how to exist any other way.

With that NBC audition coming so last minute (Got the sides at 1pm and had to be there at 5pm!!), I'm really glad I've been in an audition class working those muscles. It helped me to feel confident. Then I had my last audition class tonight, and I brought the material in from the NBC audition. While I felt I missed A LOT due to lack of time to prepare, I still felt I did a good job.

Good times, good times. :)

The Actor's Studio

I got to do a screenplay reading tonight at The Actor's Studio!

All I can say is that it was pretty fuckin cool being on that stage and thinking to myself that Marlon Brando, James Dean and Marilyn Monroe had graced that stage too. Among others. For me, it was a highlight in my career - like I've arrived. The same kind of feeling like when I took my first headshot or got my SAG card or got my IMDB page.....

High times, low times

Yay!

Found out today I booked the lead in an indie film. The one I wanted. It's being workshopped at Columbia University - so I was told I got the part and then immediately joined the workshop to start working on the part. What a cool learning experience. We went through the final scene once, and the teacher gave notes that were great and spot on, gave me a lot to think about and we went back through it again - was totally different the second time. And it was a really great exercise in me simply trusting myself, even though I hadnt worked on it really that much - to just jump in and go for it. That's something that keeps coming up - I keep discovering the more I am relaxed and trust myself, the better performance I can give. It is getting much easier for me to do this and I think this comes with experience, both on set/stage and off (in classroom). Falling down and getting back up, feeling like you are banging your head against the wall until finally something clicks. :)

I'm a big advocate of the classroom. Its where you can work your chops and fall down and learn how to get back up again. You learn to be humble after falling down over and over again. You watch other people work who have more experience and you learn from them. You see someone just starting out, and it helps you see how far you've come. And you learn from them too. It helps get you over the fear of being vulnerable in front of others, you learn to claim your space and your confidence really grows. And its a great place to work on pieces you've always wanted to explore - instead of sitting around and hoping you'll get hired for it. Not to mention that it helps keep you in the mix, talking to other actors/directors, learning about what's out there, what auditions are going on etc etc. You grow in every way and its just nice to be around like-minded people.

So, I'm having a high time right now. Nothing makes you feel better than to book a part you want. Last week I was having a low time. It ebbs and flows. And there will be more high times, and more low times too - no escaping it. For any of us. I think the balance is becoming more and more okay with this, recognizing that nothing is permanent. You have moments when you are hot, and moments when you are not. And you gotta be ok with the hot, and the not.

Ok - am doing a screenplay reading at the Actor's Studio tomorrow night and next Tues night too. Gotta reread the material again....

No birthday blues here!

My birthday was yesterday and how did I choose to celebrate?

By having sexy photos taken! It was so much fun to release my Aphrodite (after a couple of glasses of sake....). And one day when I'm old and gray I can dig these photos up and reminisce over what a young whipper-snapper I was! Girls, I HIGHLY recommend doing this - our bodies will change so much over the years, especially with having kids and just from living - DO IT NOW. It was so much fun to play different characters and see these images of myself.....it unleashes a part of you that is powerul, sexy and that screams "hear me roar.....!!!"

It's funny bc people I told about this were either like "yeah, that's great, GO GIRL" Or like "well, what are you going to DO with them??" Maybe nothing? It was more about having the experience and doing something new and exciting and a little naughty.... :)

On the acting front, I got a callback for an indie film that I'm really excited about for Monday, and, guess what? Remember the Chris Columbus film? The one I've put myself on tape for twice now? Well, they want me to send in another tape by Wednesday for another part. This is a really good sign and I'm stoked. Seems the casting directors like me and are trying to find a part for me. Coincidentally, I started reading a book called "A Star is Found," that a friend loaned me - guess who wrote it? The women who are casting this film. It's a good read about the in's and out's of casting films, and these women really seem like people you want to work with.

Fingers crossed!

Had an audition and then callback for a national commercial! Even if I dont book, my manager says its really good in the eyes of my new agent that I came close. Makes them feel that signing with me was a good decision. Yipppeee!

Had a meeting with another agent today that went really well. Goody goody. And also shot new headshots with my photographer. Audition class is going well - feel like I'm getting more comfortable with that muscle. The main thing I'm realizing is that less is more.....the times when I go up and I feel I didnt do anything, are the times when I get the best feedback. When I am very relaxed and not forcing my concept. Of course, there must be an understanding of the circumstances and the other characters too.

Isnt it amazing that I've made some great moves this year so far - especially as far as meeting peoples goes, getting out there more, auditioning regularly and consistently working my chops, but I havent actually booked since last year. And so goes the plight of the actor - that's another muscle that has to consistently be worked on - keeping your chin up and staying positive. It can really get to you if you havent worked in a while. The insecurities start to kick in, etc. And that's actually normal. Our careers have their ups and their downs and you have to learn, as a quote I read recently said, "how to pull yourself up when you are down." And keep chugging along.

:)

So, I'm putting it out into the Universe that I would really like to book a dayplayer role on TV. I'd also like to book a fun part in a great play with a solid theater group and/or at a reputable theater.

Hit me!