Callback

I went to my callback for that feature a couple of days ago - its for a part I'd love to get - so there was more pressure....I find that at a first audition I'm getting to where I'm pretty comfortable (unless its for a major network - I get real nervous about those - even if its for a smaller part - dont know how to get over that other than try try try again....)

I really worked this piece with hubby and my audition coach. I wanted to knock it out of the ballpark. My feeling on my auditions in general, is that I want to feel that I "knocked it out of the ballpark," and the rest is up to the casting gods. Out of my hands. But as long as I know I really did the best I could - I'm ok with it and I can let it go. Ok, well, 85% of me can let it go. Ha ha.

As I rode over on the subway, I could literally feel the nerves starting to kick in and I thought "oh no!!!" But I know its bc I really wanted it. As I walked toward the building where the audition was taking place I felt that my breath getting shallow, muscles were tensing a.k.a : I was nervous. Shit! This hasnt happened in a while!

Even in the elevator, I felt everything tightening, all my impulses starting to harden and shut down. And that's when I was like "Michelle, get it together, girl! Relax.....ok now breath. There you go. No big deal. And you know this stuff - so its gonna be ok. But you cant knock it out of the ballpark if you start to shut down!! Yes, keep breathing, keep releasing. There you go....."

So that little internal pep talk helped. Sometimes nerves can help an audition, depending on the character. Not this one (shit!). She's confident, in control and sure of herself (at least she thinks she is) in a "too cool for school" kind of way. i.e. - she's NOT nervous! Once I signed in, I started walking around, as the character - I had on these great heels that help me connect to her. Sometimes you can "find the character" through something as simple as that - a piece of clothing, a walk, a gesture, knowing the archtype. I somehow jumped into "super confident" mode because I had no choice.

And the audition went really well. There were 3 people in the room and they were cracking up through a lot of it. (good sign) I met the director who was really sweet - everyone was so nice and it seemed like it would be a fun set to be on. And I'm more of a drama girl - so doing a comedy would be a nice change. Sooooo - we shall see - but the golden rule to auditioning is you let it go as soon as you walk out that room - again, its up to the casting gods.....

Onward and upward!

World War III (otherwise known as audition preparation), updates, and reflecting

Oy vey! Every time I work with the hubby on an audition - its pretty disasterous! We end up yelling at each other, picking on each other, pissed off - its no fun!

I have a callback tomorrow for a feature I auditioned for a few days ago - fun fun part! Fun fun script! Wish me luck.....

I havent really written much of anything in recent days - and I have my writing class tomorrow. So its gonna be a late night.....as I've admitted to before, sitting down and starting is the challenge, just as a painter stares at the daunting, empty canvas. Once the pen starts moving on the paper I am fine -- its just the mind that gets in the way and makes the process of sitting down and focusing difficult.

I'm still working on Rabbit Hole. We worked on it Sunday with our acting coach - and she gave us some really good advice about where to go with the scene, how to add more layers to it. I really see myself growing in my work - trusting more and judging a lot less. And man, you have to let go of the "judge," or else all creative impulses become stifled!! Coincidentally, I read that my girl Nicole (Kidman) is producing and starring in the film version of this play. Go Nicole!

I realized over the weekend that I felt really peaceful. I think its because I'm pushing myself to take some risks: taking this writing class and expressing myself in that way, working on my monologues - working on an area in my craft that I LOVE to avoid, and being proactive about following up with casting directors I've met in the past. Taking charge....

Oh - and I'm doing another reading on Sunday for Torn Page Productions - this came from my recent readings at The Actor's Studio. So, as they say: work begets work. I actually had to turn down another invitation to do a reading on Wednesday - I'm too busy! Gotta pick and choose your battles......

Mission Accomplished

Woke up this morning with the gnawing feeling of unfinished business. Realized that I havent written to a certain casting director that I intended to write to earlier this week. So I took the whole morning to write that darned letter! Calling a friend, reading it to her, bouncing it off the hubby......calling around to some folks I thought might know this CD personally. Brainstorming how to get in the current film they are casting. Researching on-line. I felt like such a sneaky little detective!

Popped that one in the mail - and then met with O to work on my monologue. I think I have to change my mindset about this if I'm going to have any sort of success and learn to enjoy. Was super frustrating at times - but I realized when I was in such a pissy mood afterwards, that this is part of the process. Reminds of me of a quote from "The War of Art:"

"The amateur sets out to create a masterpiece.....the professional sets out to just do the work."

So, as O reminded me when we were coaching through it: "you are an actress involved in process....." and sometimes "process" is frustrating.....

Then went to see my friend R's one woman show. So proud of her - she's an inspiration!

Looking forward to a chill weekend!!

Good stuff and people who inspire

Today hubby and I shot EdibleRed's latest music video. This was actually the second day of shooting. We've been REALLY fortunate to be involved in projects with REALLY terrific, talented people, and this was no exception. And the footage looks amazing! Really proud of it and am always learning more and more each time I step behind the camera. I really enjoy learning about everyone else's role (not just actor!) on a film set. I feel like one of these days I'll shoot my own films - and I look forward to that....!! I feel like I have a lot of stories to tell, and I have an understanding of human condition.

So, so much to share here.....I met with a really good casting director yesterday for a role in a TV pilot. I must say, I knocked that audition out of the ballpark! I felt really good about leaving a nice, strong impression. I also got a callback for my most recent film audition (playing the bulimic, self-absorbed glamor-gal). That audition is next week so I have some time to work on it. I think we found a composer for our film ("The Bridge") - we watched a Swedish film recently that was really good called "Let the Right One In," and we contacted the composer and it looks like he's going to work with us!!

I had my first writing class a couple of nights ago --- I walked to it with dread - pretty much dreading it all day.....but I was at least aware of what was going on (yep, f-e-a-r). I was really judging what I'd written that I was going to have to share with the whole group. Thinking how dumb it all probably sounded, what a stupid topic I'd chosen to write about, who cares what I have to say anyway, etc, etc, etc. At least I have the insight to know that its just doubt and to carry on anyway.....I was well aware of what was happening, but still feeling paralyzed, doubtful and vulnerable.

But - to my pure delight.....the class is fantastic! So supportive and my piece was well received - I discovered, while I thought I had nothing, I am really off to a great start and now that the ball is rolling I cant wait to sit down and write and I look forward to each class. The teacher and students are awesome! I have to remind myself, though, that even when you have a moment in your work that seems like you've hit a wall or that is not so "victorious," there is great lesson in that too. Its not all about the "wins." (although the wins sure feel good -- )

We saw John Leguizamo's one man show last night. What a funny, firey Latino man. Ha ha. He talked a lot about his career - which I wasnt expecting - and it was funny to hear the highs and lows and to realize that everyone in the biz has them - at every level of the game. We're all hustling to some degree. He talked about how he hated working with Kurt Russell, all the films he did that were terrible, the ones that were really great, the times he chose to work "for the sake of art, to tell stories about the human condition," and the times he chose to work purely for money. It was especially funny to hear about the time that he'd been hired to do a major role that was actually reduced to one scene, with him wearing a mask and his being voice dubbed. Ouch! Yep, I feel ya John, I feel ya......

I watched some interview footage of Nicole Kidman - who just might be my favorite actress. I love the roles she's chosen to play - I think she's been very smart and she's worked with all the great directors - Kubrick, Von Trier, Luhrman (my favorite director), etc.....everyone wants to work with her! What I loved that she mentioned was that sometimes when you are working on a character - you feel like you dont have it. But the thing is, is that you cannot force it. She showed up to rehearsals for The Hours feeling like she didnt "have it." And there was that part of her that was like "oh shit!" But there was also that part of her that knew that she couldnt force anything. I was so relieved to hear this. I've definitely had those "oh shit" feelings, and I probably did push out of panic. But now I know its ok to feel that way and the trick is to TRUST that you WILL GET WHERE YOU NEED TO BE. (as it is with life.....) The latter is the toughy for me -- but I look forward to the opportunities I'll have to experience that trust. What a glorious day that will be!

;)

An Example of Integrity and Another Word on fear

I worked with an actor yesterday (and good friend) who left a $50,000 voiceover audition because it was behind schedule, to make it to a rehearsal we were both involved in. This rehearsal was for a job that didn't pay anything - but was a great experience, working with nice/talented people. And above all, he had committed to this rehearsal - so in the end, when he could have chanced showing up for rehearsal really late, letting the director and writer down and making rehearsal a little difficult to work around his part - to stay at a lucrative audition that he may or may not have booked - he chose to go with his prior commitment. Tough tough choice - but I so admire his loyalty and integrity......and his choice came out of the trust that more auditions like this will come his way - its not the only option he has. And that says a lot about how he sees his own worth.

ok (stepping down from soapbox now...).....

The rehearsal was for a reading at The Actor's Studio last night. I had the lead role and it was fun fun fun. The hubby came and was really proud of me - and its always good to get involved in these things, meet and work with new people, have the opportunity to read new work and simply STAY BUSY and INVOLVED! :)

I met with my commercial agent last week and he helped me with my pitch to their legit dept (remember I'm seeking legit rep to help me get into more union auditions?). Very cool of him to take the time to do this. So, I'll drop off a revised letter/packet later this week to him to pass on to their legit dept....and then I'll reach out to some other agencies I'm targeting.

My writing class starts again tonight. I'd forgotten how much work this is - and it was interesting to observe how much I've been dragging my heels in signing up for this class (even now as I write this blog I am well aware that I'm AVOIDING my writing assignment....). It's all fear, ya know? I feel as though I'm aware of my fears, but my next step is to actually look straight into fear's eyes and DO SOMETHING about it....so taking this class, looking for legit rep, working on my monologues to get into a certain class I want to take is all part of this work on the Self. Places where I know I hold myself back - call it self sabotage or whatever - that I want to let go of bc I know this keeps me from getting all I want out of my life.

And life is too short for that.....

So, where do you hold yourself back? And what can you do about it? (its probably just, yep, you guessed it.....F-E-A-R......)

And I'll leave you with this - a mentor of mine once said that fear actually stands for:

False

Evidence

Appearing

Real

Meaning, the fears we carry are usually made up things we tell ourselves that hold us back. In an attempt to protect ourselves from embarrassment or hurt or not being loved. Or something someone else told us that was hurtful that we carry around. And all that chatter is just noise - no truth in that at all......

So, with all that being said - I'm off to start writing --- :)

Onward & Upward(!) and Finding Your Center

Oy vey! So, the indie film I was suppose to be shooting in July, with rehearsals in June, has been pushed back to "as late as September," and my part is no longer the focus. Been reduced to what appears to be a mild supporting role. Ah well......onward and upward......

Also, I was working on "Rabbit Hole" in my spare time, but now the actress I was working with seems to have lost interest. One thing I've learned during my journey is that one cannot really talk another actor into getting excited about working on a project. They either want to do it or they do not. And I'm not here to talk anyone into doing anything - but to seek out like minded folks, passionate about the things I'm into. And its all good either way. Its not like the work we did so far on this was a waste of time, it never is. And who knows, I may have another actor interested in working on it with me already - so I can revisit this piece one of these days.....

And the good news is that since I'm not working on this film, at least for now - I can refocus on my one person piece and take another class with this teacher. Either way, I know I need to make time to write - just like I need to make time to meditate and to exercise and eat well. If I'm not doing any of those things - I get really cranky and hard to deal with. I didnt workout, meditate OR write all week, and I'm really feeling it - my mind feels cluttered, I feel short of breath and simply grumpy. We all have those things we MUST do to find our center, and that's it for me these days: writing, meditation, exercise and healthy living ---

What helps you find your center?

The Way It Goes Sometimes....

Um, remember the first part I auditioned for in the new Chris Columbus film? Um, yeah, Rosario Dawson got that part.....

Finding Your Audition Guru + The Theater

Had an audition today for a FUN part in an indie feature. I'd love to get this one - she's full of herself, a "glamorous-girly girl" type who is constantly eating and then throwing up. Thinks everyone is in love with her. Ha ha. What fun.

I worked with my audition coach this morning on this. I love this man! He is so funny and totally insightful. We turn over every stone in our audition work together. I feel like my audition technique is getting stronger - I'm able to be more relaxed. When you are relaxed and you understand what is going on in the scene, your character and the dynamic to the other character(s) - you can fly!

It took me a long time to find someone I feel good about coaching for auditions with. I took plenty of classes that I didnt resinate with to find this man. He's my secret weapon!! (Literally, my friend who recommended him to me made me promise not to give his info out - he's that high in demand and coaches a lot of working, well-known actors....)

Then I did some volunteer work at a local theater - and got to see the current show there tonight! That's part of what I love about New York - all the opportunities to see theater and to meet interesting people. The play I saw tonight will probably move on to a bigger theater - so it was cool to see a smaller, first production of it - written by a pretty well-known playwright whose work I have read and seen productions of before. Next week the hubby and I are going to see John Luguizamo (Moulin Rougge, Romeo + Juliet) workshop his current one man show. I love raw, simple, well written theater. And I love being able to see or be part of the "workshopping" process. New York is really a gold mine for this kind of thing. And I just love being in the theater. Being around all those other people - actors, writers, producers, directors - everyone buzzing around about their current projects. Its really a very cool environment that makes me really happy to be part of. I'd sweep the floors there just to get to be around all that good spirited, creative energy!!!! :)

Unions and Agents, oh my!

I realize lately there is something (else) I REALLY need to deal with:

I need a TERRIFIC legit agent to send me out on film and theater auditions. TV too.

I realized last week that I've pretty much hit a wall as to how far I can go with my manager and with my own proactiveness. Since I've being doing this (acting) thing, I've been really good about "pounding the pavement" and getting myself out there and I've been fortunate to be able to find work consistently. But the stakes have gotten higher in the last 6 months or so - its time for me to bump it up and seek representation that will not only get me into the doors I need to get into (my manager has actually done this here and there), but what is lacking within my representation team is that I need to seek someone who has great connections, who can pick up the phone and say "hey, you gotta see this girl, you gotta give her a shot." Someone who is focused, professional, connected and has their pulse on what's going on within the industry.

I was reading somewhere that Ed Harris had this kind of relationship with his first agent (maybe he's still with them??). The article said that sure, Ed is handsome and talented but there are so many out there like that......BUT he had an agent back in his early days that believed in him and really fought for him. And I know now, from my own trial and error and experience, that that's what I need.

I've met a couple agents through random referrals, and during these meetings I realized I would NEVER want to work with these folks! But I went for the interview experience and to keep my options opened. In the end, it was a great reminder that if your gut tells you something is a waste of time, its most likely a WASTE OF TIME. No need to question that feeling. Just trust it. Although, it did help me get a feel for how to keep myself prepared for these meetings, what kind of questions they might ask. So it wasn't a TOTAL wash. But I think these meetings left me feeling not-so-excited about seeking representation - so I've been doing my own thing until now.

And because I'm in the unions (SAG/AFTRA) - that's all the more the reason to seek legit rep. It's harder to get into these auditions on your own. Most of the work I can find on my own is non-union. Meaning, I can't do it since I'm a union member. This is the catch 22 about joining the unions and my advice to anyone thinking of joining: If you do, just be sure you are in a position to get yourself, regularly, into the union auditions. Because if you don't have an agent or manager that can do this, its really a big waste of time and money to be in the unions. You're better off in my opinion holding off and continuing to work non-union until you book that job where you are forced to join. Or until you have representation that can REGULARLY get you in those doors. That's actually what happened in my case - I reached a situation where I had to join.

So, with all that being said, my commercial agent (who I adore! he's the best!) has offered to give my info to their legit dept. And their legit dept has a terrific reputation. So I'm dropping off a packet later this week.

The hunt begins! GAME ON!

My Hat's Off to the Moms and Dads Out There!

This is turning into a hectic week - pilot audition, commercial auditions, film audition, two rehearsals, meeting with my agent, getting new pictures printed, mailing out to casting directors, and on and on and on.

Oh! And I booked a PAID job for next week - Hallelujah!!

But this is when I seem to feel best - when I am juggling 10 things at once. In addition to the above there's also keeping up with doing my cleanse (thank God its the last day -- all that planning and constant grocery shopping was getting a little daunting....), doing personal things (like hey, laundry would be nice....), volunteer work at local theater, planning something for the hubby's upcoming b'day, finding (some) time to write and meditate, going to the gym/yoga.....and oh yeah, working on those dern monlogues.

I came out of my rehearsal tonight smiling from ear to ear. Feeling very pleased - nice, talented bunch of folks I get to work with - and I'm the lead. It's for another reading at the Actor's Studio, and while last time I had a lead role, the cast was more of an ensemble. There were several leads. But this time, I'm THE lead - so I feel a great responsibility to this and very fortunate to be part!

Lately, when things get hectic like this, I wonder "how the heck do people have careers AND children???" Until I met the hubby, I thought that I would just have career and that would solve any sort of dilemma I may have over this. But now, sure, one day I do want to - and I keep thinking about those that already do it. My hat's off to them, REALLY. Especially those that really seem to make it work and have it all. It ain't easy, I'm sure.

I once had a lovely actress, who was 20 years or so older than me give me the advice to "do all I want career-wise before having kids." (well, it was more of a well-intended warning) But you see, if I waited to do everything I wanted, I would definitely never have children. Besides, every success I have, I imagine my family, including children, being part of that.

I keep thinking - how do working moms and dads do it? I can't even keep up now! But I guess one of these days when I'm lucky enough to have kids - I'll figure it out. Should I be so fortunate.

So, my hat's off to all you career moms out there -- I really don't know how you do it. But THANKS for paving the way and inspiring the rest of us so that we, like you, can have it all too!

Relaxation & Discipline

AHHHHHHhhhhh! A nice, quiet evening at home. Hubby is shooting a pilot tonight from 6pm - 6am (!) and I have the home to myself. I had my friends G and O over for dinner (ok, well, they ordered take out while I completed the 5th day of my cleanse: avacado and cucumber soup). I've actually gotten use to it at this point and it doesnt bother me to be around people eating whole foods while I have my liquid concoction. I'm 100% committed! It has been a great lesson in both commitment and discipline......and I'm feeling really great.

We shot a music video for the lead singer of EdibleRed yesterday. You can check her out at www.ediblered.tv. I'm sure the video will be on the site in a month or so. It was great fun to co-direct with P! I feel like I'm starting to develop my own eye for this through the last few projects we've shot together. And I felt like I really had something to offer! It was truly a collaboration amongst our skeleton crew: the make-up girl, lead singer, myself, P and the stylist. Everyone was chipping in and there was zero ego.

I love projects like this. We didnt finish and will have to add another day in a week or so.....

The film we shot last month, "The Bridge," is in the final editing stages. We're looking for a composer to write the score. We have a rough cut and its looking really nice. So pleased!!

Here's to a quiet, chill night......better soak it up while I can!

Brain Drain

I am feeling totally light-headed - just started doing a cleanse today (see www.goop.com - I think its under the category "Make") - felt like I needed to give the insides a good clean scrub - I'm actually not hungry - but its that constant headache that is annoying. It is interesting to notice my eating impulses - how I like to grab for a muffin or cookie or some sort of carb - consistently - usually when I am on the run and do not have time to stop and eat - or sometimes its emotional, like comfort food or when I'm feeling pissy or down, nothing feels better than devouring a chocolate chip cookie! YUM YUM!

This week has been a little slow. I'm realizing its been a couple of weeks since I've been on any film/TV auditions - so I need to work on that. I'm one by one contacting every casting director I've met - to reconnect, let them know what I'm up to, etc. I've realized in recent months that that is a big part of the game - there are so many actors out there - we constantly have to remind casting folks - and even sometimes our own representation - that we are here, moving and grooving and ready to work! So my manager and I have been working on some ideas of how to get in front of casting folks to say "Hey! You seemed to like me, remember????"

The monologue issue continues to be the monkey on my back. Here's some reasons why I need to address this:

--Want to do more theater = need monologues

--Want to get into a certain audition class = need monologues for this audition too

--It is May and at the beginning of the year I acknowledged that I needed to work on this. I am,

but at a turtle's pace. So, I need to encourage my turtle to get MOVING!!!

Becoming a better auditioner = TV/film jobs = financial success = artistic freedom....and work begets work......

So I started to address this little monkey (again). I flipped through some mono recommendations today and had a friend who is a mono wiz (Thanks O!) look over them and help me select which one to start working on. She's also teaching me a different way of approaching the monologue - which has me wanting to ask a million questions and get overly logical about it - and I think I need to just go with her direction and ride the wave of uncertainty. "Jump and the net will appear!" kind of thing.

So, in this downtime - that's what I'm doing. Or at least that's what I'm talking about doing. In between phone calls and errands and Facebooking and fasting and constantly thinking about chocolate chip cookies and other fun carbs (sigh....).....But hey, you gotta start somewhere, right?

Speaking of reminding folks you are out there, I popped by my commercial agent's office on Friday (you got it, to remind them.....). I hadn't been sent out in a couple of weeks, and that was ok at the time bc I was focused on my writing class -- but now the class is over and 2 weeks of not going out is an issue. I have friends who talk about not getting sent out as much as they would like to - and you know what? That is YOUR problem. YOU must do something about it. Because if you don't, someone else who's got more balls and focus will. And they will book that next job. Not you. So get out there and move your booty! (whatever your profession or dream is!)

I think I was a motivational speaker in a past life.....

And guess what? Popping by on Friday gave me an audition today (Tuesday). Was it worth it? In the oh so famous words of Sarah Palin - "YOU BETCHA!"

Stuff and Embracing Who I Am

I am so exhausted today - but its the good kind. Like when you have flown a long way for a holiday and you are so tired from jet lag - but a good, excited tired.

Ran around all day Friday - 3 auditions, popped by my agent's office to say "hi," introduced a friend of mine to another agent I know. THEN: I went to a premiere at the TriBeCa Film Festival - my good friend Y worked on this film and needed a date. It was SO FUN! To dress up, meet some new people. I even met the director who has directed people like Dustin Hoffman, Robin Williams, etc. The film was really good - I didnt want it to end - and I'm very proud of my friend - he is really moving up in the world with his career and is so completely deserving. He's good good people and its so nice to see him enjoying some success! There was a party afterwards - needless to say it was a pretty late night....somehow I managed not to fall down and break my neck in my 3 inch high heels....but my feet are killing today!

Tonight I'm going to see a one woman performance - a friend of a friend. My friend who knows this performer wants me to help her with some filming she's doing afterwards - some improv she wants to get on tape with the other performers. Ok, why not?

And I heard back from one of my auditions on Friday that I booked the lead part - its for another reading at the Actor's Studio. I'm fond of the writer, very sweet person - and the rest of the cast and crew I'm looking forward to working with. Should be fun. I used my southern accent since it takes place in the south - isn't it interesting that the things I ran so far away from - my southern roots and my Asian roots - are actually the things that make me unique and give me strength? The one person piece that I am writing is turning out to be an exploration of this recent discovery.

Here's to embracing who we are.... :)