Creative Breakthroughs & Risks

Its happening! And I'm doing my best to go with it.

Creative Breakthrough #1 - Taking a risk in my writing

I have been blocked the last few days with my solo show writing. And I was well aware - but totally avoiding writing anyway.

I had class tonight, so this morning I wrote a little bc I had to have SOMETHING to read in class. (this is what is so great about class - you are accountable)

I've chosen to write about something very personal - that really makes me UNCOMFORTABLE. So when I read my piece - I was so upset, tears were streaming down my face - I was SO EMBARRESSED! But my lovely, supportive, wonderfully nurturing writing coach keeps coaxing me along. He's da bomb, yo. I've stretched myself so much over the last year thanks to this man - doing things I was in the past so scared to do. Well, I'm still scared - but now I just do it anyway. I have a better understanding that this is a necessary part of the process. I've really grown both artistically and as a person. I'm actually looking forward to writing this week - to spending more time writing. Hell, that's another great thing about class - you have to keep up with the others. And my classmates are really really terrific --

Creative Breakthrough #2 - Taking my monologue out on the town!

Remember how much I have obsessed about doing monologues in the past?? Well, guess what? I've never heard any actor say: "Gee, I really love doing monologues. They are fun." Truthfully, they are very awkward - but necessary if you want to do theater. After working with my friend BD the other day on them, I've been looking for submissions that require a mono for the audie -to give myself the opp to continue "slaying this demon," as my old acting teacher use to put it. I went to a mono audition today - and my monologue was really well received. We worked on it 3 times - and it felt really good to feel confident about my work. I've grown in this way too. I can take constructive feedback and use it as best as I can to my advantage. I go easier on myself these days. And guess what? I booked the part! Its a reading of a screenplay on Saturday -- THIS IS A MAJOR VICTORY - and I know better than to think otherwise. This victory is VERY SIGNIFICANT to my artistic growth.

Taking a big big risk:

I was offered the lead in a SAG feature film. By a director I adore - who is such a big supporter of my work and really talented. But, I knew, right from the start....my gut told me: Not this time. I need to risk. I need to work with different people, I need to keep my calendar open to work of a higher caliber (exposure-wise), and I need to add new creative liasions to my working reperatoire. I knew that if I took this project, I would be the "big fish in a smaller pond," whereas I NEED to be scared - I need to work with folks that make me feel I have to run to keep up. I need to stretch myself and see what greater heights I am capable of.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not always certain of this decision.....every actor at the end of the day just wants to work.....but I'm into listening to my gut these days.

I'm getting a little better at that. :)

It actually feels good to be so uncomfortable lately - I feel like I'm feeling my pulse again --

Naomi Watts is da bomb, yo!

I watched Naomi Watts (LOVE HER!!) on YouTube on Inside the Actor's Studio.

One thing she said that brought tears to my eyes was when she spoke of the times she thought of giving up. (Its segment #4 if you dont want to watch the whole thing) When she would believe the feedback she would receive from casting directors....the thoughts of "I'm not talented, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not this, I'm not that...." How you start to believe that junk, it starts to fuck with you --

But, she hung in there and look at where she is today --

Brimming, Grooving & Humming

Today was glorious!

The super came over and did some more repairs to the apt - even if the kinks arent all worked out, the super and landlord do seem to be making efforts (as long as you stay on their asses!). I feel really lucky to have such an awesome super. He's da bomb, yo.

I met with a friend and worked on 2 of my monologues, and she did the same. We actually had FUN! It felt really good to start to get over this demon. I have an audition tomorrow and another on Wed in which I will use these for. I was so much more relaxed in my work. Less result oriented. Less fretful. So much more confident.

And I went to the gym - enough said about that victory.

Then I went to a "tenant's rights" meeting for my neighborhood. Apparently, living in this part of Brooklyn, a lot of people have problems with their buildings. As dorky as this might sound - I loved it! It felt nice to be part of the community, and most of all, TO MEET NEW PEOPLE. Something I've really been craving.

And I noticed my attitude has changed. I submit myself for auditions when I can and where it makes sense. My calendar is pretty full, so I cant and dont want to submit for everything in town. And I feel really good about it. When I hear of a good TV/theater or film audition, I send my agent an email. And that's that.

I would really love to do some good theater --

And my first Fair Trade order shipped out yesterday - from SouthEast Asia. I'll be ready to set up shop the first weekend in April, which is also my birthday weekend. I think its rather auspicious, to be "giving birth" to a company on the weekend of the celebration of my birth.

Wee-Hee!

I'm brimming, I'm grooving, I'm humming along --

Enjoying the Questions As Much As the Answers.....

That is advice given from the poet Rainer Maria Rilke from a book given to me by one of my beloved directors. Its called "Letters to a Young Poet." I love this book!

Lately I'm trying to really listen to that. My whole world is changing, mostly because of the work I'm doing in The Artist's Way. My friendships are changing, my environments I put myself in are changing, my outlook about my work and how I go about it are changing, and where I place my time too.

Hell, I just moved, so even my physical living situation has changed. I know, I really trust, that there is a deep need within me for all this change. I've been really out of sorts at times. Really scared and confused. I know its because I am letting go of the old and awaiting the new.

So, instead of racing toward an answer, something to firmly grasp onto - I am doing my best to "enjoy the questions."

Damn, its unsettling --

Chillax, already!

Do you ever feel like things are going well - you're pretty happy and pretty carefree....

And then you go out into the world and get bombarded by people. I've noticed how a lot of people are subtley negative - and its just exhausting to be around. I know very few actors who are chill. Many of them that you run into start to do a monologue about what THEY are up to. THEM THEM THEM THEM THEM. Sometimes I find it interesting and even endearing, and I try to have some compassion because lord knows I've been that person myself. But man, its really hard for me to be around these days.

I want to be around confident, helpful artists. The kind that DON'T exhaust you talking about themselves, the kind that really do pay attn when you talk to them, that aren't thinking about what they have to do next to further their career. That have other interests.

Does this mean I might as well leave New York?? I just think there's more to life than the biz. And I want to be around people who have OTHER interests. Who are chillaxed. I want to be a well-rounded human being.

Boy, I would never survive in LA. I hear EVERYONE there is about the biz.

I think I need to make it a point to be around non-actors these days -- to protect my artist. To be a more well-rounded, happy person.

Emily Blunt & Basketweaving Artists (who knew??)

First of all, Emily Blunt rocks!!

I just saw "The Young Victoria" tonight. Alone. I took myself on a date. After a yoga class, I ate at the cafe at the yoga studio. Then I went to an old book store just off of Union Square - Alabaster Books. I found this really cool book about, you're gonna laugh: basketweaving. It was actually really interesting and what I liked the most were the artist profiles - where various basketweaving artists from all over the world were asked questions about process, risking, etc. I realized that what they were saying can be applied to any art form.

One question that was asked in which I loved some of the answers was:

"Do you call yourself a basketweaver?"

Here were some snipets of answers I found I could apply to my artistic endeavors:

"I dont call myself a basketweaver. I no longer feel I have to restrict myself. In the beginning it was useful because it provided a readily understood context for my work."

(I find this really interesting bc for about a year now I've been meditating on my need to identify so strongly with the label "actor." I'm letting it go a lot more these days - being much more relaxed about it. I find I am happier this way - and its really opened me up to other creative endeavors, that have nothing to do with performance)

"I call myself a basketweaver bc the world calls me this. But in my head I do not call myself anything. I do not need to. I am myself.

(that one is just great!)

I really loved EB in Victoria. Remember her from "The Devil Wears Prada?" She's funny, vulnerable, likable, beautiful. Fun to watch. Endearing. So full of life. And I am a total sucker for period pieces and history - especially those Brits. I didnt realize that Queen Victoria's husband Albert died so young. The actor who plays Albert, Rupert Friend, is equally charming and fun to watch and their chemistry was fantastic.

A chick flick, I admit it, but worth watching in my book --

I want to work with Emily one day. She's exciting!

Expansion

A couple of things I read about recently that made a lot of sense to me. Made me feel that I am exactly where I need to be:

-- I read that before Naomi Watts hit (with Mulholland Drive), she was beginning to train to become a yoga teacher

-- I read that Brad Pitt admitted that about 10 years ago, he was totally bored with his career....smoking too many bad things out of his boredom....and that is when he took up other interests, outside of acting, such as his passion for architecture. (google: "Make It Right" to learn more about his wonderful interest turned humanitarianism effort)

I am really excited about my Fair Trade venture. Gives me something to pour my heart into, instead of sitting around obsessing with my acting career. ;)

Taking care of me....and helping make the world a little better --

"The Artist's Way" has really helped me become a more expansive human being. It just makes sense to me these days --

Apt Blues Will Not Stop My Artist --

Well, things with the apt WERE starting to look up....the leaks were starting to disappear, we got our kitchen installed, floors finished, etc.

Then it rained today. Downpoured, actually. Now all 4 leaks have come back, and an additional SEVEN. I have spent my entire Saturday night looking for leaks, finding bowls to catch them in (I no longer have any more bowls to spare!), wiping wet spots from the floor, etc.

I am going to the management company tomorrow to inform them that I want some of my rent back for this month, and I that I do not intend to pay rent until this apt situation is fully resolved. I am also calling 311 as soon as I get off the computer. There is also a meeting in a week I found out about - apparently a lot of people in this neighborhood are having problems with these lame ass landlords. Someone put it together and its to help us know our rights as tenants. I'm going to make copies of this flyer and hand them out to EVERYONE in my building.

Damn straight I'll be at this meeting. I'm not fucking around anymore.

On a more positive note:

A friend of ours is building a beautiful additional room inside our loft. We took elements of the most beautiful place I've ever stayed: Ki-Em Art House, one hour outside of Nha Trang, Vietnam, and put it into this addition. Ki-Em was heaven! I'm even going to try to incorporate some of the seashells I brought back from the beach there into the design somehow.

And, in between searching for bowls to catch the rain, I did manage to work more on my oil painting! Heaven! I can see how working in various mediums can help build your discipline in others. Disciplines such as commitment, taking risks, not over thinking things, listening less to your critic, and patience, to name a few....

Please keep your fingers crossed for me with this apt situation --- thanks!

Livin'

Long story short: after 5 days of staying with a friend, we are finally in our new apt.

I'm having fun! I painted the kitchen turquoise blue yesterday, while listening to Edie Piaf.

Its a great space. You can see the Empire State and Chrysler buildings outside our window. I didnt really notice that before bc I was so angry....!

I realized this morning, as I wrote my morning pages, that life is like a work of art. You have to trust the process of it. Sure, you have goals or things you want to accomplish. Like when you set out to paint something on canvas - you have an idea of what you want. But then you have to let that go and trust the process of your work, your life. Breathe. Dont worry. Let it evolve and go with each stroke.

I share this from experience. Trying to force my life into places I thought it should go only made me very exhausted. I'm too tired for that these days. Thank God!!

(morning pages: 3 pages of whatever is on your mind! Brain drain, dealing with something, fiction....whatever comes up. Its like meditating. Very therapeutic!)

I starting painting on canvas using oil yesterday. Never done that before. Fun! I found myself enjoying - and being much less critical.

Tonight: Writing class. Continuing work on my solo piece. I'm somehow very relaxed about it. Dont need to get it "right." Just enjoy! Oh, and a little scared too --

Its good to be scared. A reminder that I do have a pulse.

I'm living! L-I-V-I-N

Protect Your Artist and Celebrate

Last weekend there was a screening of a feature film I had the lead in. It was two and half hours outside of the city. I almost didnt go because of the moving crisis going on in my personal life. But the hubby insisted, and he moved our stuff without me so I could go (!). He's a good egg :)

It was a splendid event! Packed house full of people I didnt know. The people running the event were really nice and supportive of the film. As I settled down to into my seat when the film began, I suddenly realized I didnt know anyone there besides the producer/lead actor who was sitting next to me. I remembered that there is some nudity in the film (tasteful and necessary to tell the story) and I suddenly felt really vulnerable. Shit. I could also hear people near me whispering - I couldnt make out what they were saying, and it probably had nothing to do with the film since it had just started at this point, but I was really nervous about sitting so close to strangers watching my performance.

So I got up and walked to the very last row of the theater and sat there by myself watching. It was glorious! I could sit there alone, taking it all in, without concerning myself with what anyone was thinking or might say. I was very proud of myself for doing this, for protecting my artist instead of being "polite" and staying seated amongst the crowd. Johnny Depp says that he has never seen any of his films. I understand that. There is something so nerve racking about it - you always think you could have done it differently or maybe even better. Its difficult not to be so ridiculously hard on yourself. Unlike, Johnny, I do want to watch my films, because I really enjoy the process of filmmaking - from beginning to final product.....but I know I have to be very conscious of with who and where I'm watching them. I dont need to be within earshot of strangers talking about my film. People can be very critical, often unintentionally, and you must protect your artist from that, so you can continue to grow and take risks. Hearing something negative can shut you down unnecessarily for a while.

Afterwards, there was a Q and A with the Artistic Director of the screening site, my producer/lead actor friend, and yours truly. That was VERY good to have to go through. I sat up there on that stage thinking "shit, what are they going to ask?" "is someone going to ask about the nudity?" "or something that I wont be able to articulate intellegently??" But I managed to relax into my seat and have a good time with it - the crowd was so curious and supportive - so it was a lot of fun. And a good exercise for me to have to sit there and back my work.

We were also interviewed by a reporter from the local newspaper there - my first!

Damn, I'm lucky that I got to celebrate the coming together of this film in this way. Like I've mentioned many times before, sometimes you'll shoot something, and your lucky if it even becomes a final product for people to see, or even better if it actually does get a screening ANYWHERE.

A word of advice: Try to see the film BEFORE the screening. And as long as the film looks good, GO!! Do not make it like its no big thing, and please dont be too scared of your performance to go. These moments you have to try to enjoy - they dont come around all the time, especially in the early stages of an acting career. But if the film is poor quality, poorly executed, I would skip it.

And be selective about who you invite. I have a general rule of thumb that I only want to invite my colleagues and friends to quality stuff. Not everything you work on will be something you want people to see, and that's just part of the process. Its ok. What's important is that you had the experience. You need to have moments of "not so great work" to help you with the "great ones." If you invite someone to something mediocre, you risk the chance of them not coming to see any of your work for some time, and they may skip something that is great.

Either way, go out and celebrate your hard work when its over: cupcakes, flowers, rest, being with friends, etc. We must be good to ourselves to continue marching on.

Calm in the Eye of the Storm

I woke up today feeling really grateful.

We are staying with a friend right now, while our apt is being finished. I am so grateful to have a friend who lives nearby who selflessly is sharing her apt with us. Its cozy and warm and its like we are in college again, the 3 of us living together. We spend our mornings together watching the video she is editing of the actors she filmed (that's what she does for a living) and we spend our late nights chatting about films we love. Its like an artist's community we got going on here.

During the daytime we go to the apt to make sure everything is going as smoothly as possible. I admit, its not easy to see our home is such disarray when we are suppose to be living in it at this point. I have been wearing the same clothes for 3 days now. Even sleeping in them bc A) I dont know where my shit is B) its winter here anyway - so I'm not sweating and I'm usually covered in my winter coat. I know, I know. Its still gross. I'm borrowing clothes from our friend today to change into.

The landlord does seem he is trying to make good. He told us he would do "whatever we want to the apt and more." That makes me feel a lot better. When he showed up a couple of days ago to see what was going on, he looking genuinely shocked.

I'm just feeling grateful instead of angry today. I guess I just got too exhausted from being upset about all this. I've been going to yoga everyday too - which helps. I'm not really doing much acting wise. I cant right now. But I did find a place to sell my Fair Trade items yesterday - I have at least been taking my laptop to a nearby cafe so I can check in on the apt when I need to, then work on my Fair Trade biz in the cafe. I am REALLY excited about finding this place to sell - now I can start place orders and things like that.

Yesterday, we hung out in the city all day. Our friend we are staying with works from home so we dont want to be all up in her space anymore than we have to. I realized we were able to take in a lot more. We werent in a hurry bc we have no apt to rush home to right now!! It was a funny realization - watching all the people in the city wiz by us, while we were slowly walking around, taking things in. That was nice.

Isnt that something? In the midst of crisis - how everything slows down? It gets simple.

We are going over this morning to move all our belongings to the "dry" side of the floor, so the other half can be painted. Wish us luck!

Homeless

The new apt is a mess. Like I mentioned, we were promised that everything would be ready to go by today, March 1st. It is not.

-- we have no kitchen sink or cabinets

-- the floors are not done. the "floor guys" came in to finish the job today, which means buffing the floor and then coating it with 2 coats of paint. So, we have to place all our things into one end of the apt, let them paint it and dry it, then move all our stuff to the "dry" end and paint the other half (we are moving into a loft - which is one big room). When they started buffing, dust went everywhere, and I am highly allergic to all that stuff! Our belongings now are covered in a layer of dust....

-- noisy heater

-- 4 leaks in the ceiling. We have kitchen bowls on the floor catching the leaks.

-- ghetto ceiling needs a coat of paint

-- I dont know where anything is and I cant unpack anything.

In short, it is a disaster. I cant help but wonder what cruel thing I did to someone else at some point in my life to deserve this?

But I guess I have to look at this as a test, a challenge. My patience and anger are REALLY being tested. I MUST go to yoga everyday this week. My girlfriend who has had tons of experience with these shitty NYC landlords and management companies has told me that I have to "let it go." I have to quit thinking this should be easy, bc that just makes me short of breath and defensive. And bitter.

AND: I am certainly NOT paying rent for these days.....

Shame on you NYC landlords and management companies! How do you sleep at night???

But, ok....this is not really a disaster.....the flood in New Orleans was a disaster. The earthquake in Haiti was a disaster. This is nothing.

I can certainly get through this. I'll be ok.