Moving On?? (a.k.a dealing with anger)

We are moving this weekend - Eeeek! New York City moving can be VERY stressful - ask ANYONE who lives here. Here are some mishaps:

1) we are moving in 2 ft of snow!!

2) our current landlord has demanded that we move out a day earlier so her new tenant can move in (I cant even go into that - it makes my body tense)

3) apt we are moving into, when the husband went to view it today, the day before moving, it had

no stove or kitchen cabinets, a window missing (did I mention we are in the middle of a snowstorm??), the ceiling had not been painted and looked like it had been rotting, and the floors were not done.

4) the heater, which we had been told was noiseless, is actually noisy when turned on. This one almost put me over the edge, as I enjoy my peace and quiet!!!

HOW and WHY do NYC landlords get away with this crap??

So we are moving in anyway, because we have to, but have been promised everything would be done by 3/1. I have low expectations for this. But I think about what my favorite yoga teacher has been preaching about for months lately: dealing with anger. I am really doing my best to use this as an exercise. Here are my peaceful answers for each point:

1) the snow is the least of our worries. and its pretty.

2) I will leave this place spotless, so that the new tenant moves into a clean apt, a day early. Trust me, I've thought of all the mean things I could do to make her life difficult.....but I am really working on turning my "arrows into roses." Although the thought of taking a crap in the toilet and leaving it for her did cross my mind..... :)

3) we have been promised everything will be ready for us by 3/1, which is 1 week later than we were told. So I can only wait to see what happens with that --

4) I can turn the heat off when it gets warm so I dont have to listen to the noise. I can also use space heaters instead.

I feel a little better already. Its not good for the health to get angry. You lose, not the person you are angry with. Getting angry is easy. Forgiving is courageous.

And anyway, I have great news for this week! I connected with a couple of casting directors I really like, met a new one, I am on hold a print job, I was asked to do a reading at The Actor's Studio, a feature I had the lead in is screening at a very respectable theater with a very famous actor that I admire hosting AND a really good manager from the west coast called me up.....the funny thing is, I've spent very little time focused on my acting career -- go figure!

Managers

My manager and I broke up a few weeks ago. It was pretty painful. I dont know what is the "right" way to go about it, but my advice I have to offer is to do your research and think of whoever you sign with as a partner. Choose them like a lover. And, most importantly, TRUST YOUR GUT!! If your gut says something is off, look, I'm all for giving it the "freshman try," but after a while of not feeling 100%, its time to go!

I dont regret my choice to spend the last 3 years of my professional life with this person, I certainly gained some opportunity from it and learned a lot. And I guess its something I needed to go through, to experience. BUT, six months into the relationship I felt something was off. In fact, when I first met this person, my gut said no no no no no. But my head said "look at all those gigs your friend has booked through this person." So, seduced by my friend's resume, I kept on.

Again, I will say that some good things certainly came of the relationship, but also, this was a very intense personality to have to deal with on a regular basis. It was exhausting. I was often spoken to like a child who didnt know any better about the biz - and that's not true. I know a lot. You need to feel respected and that you too respect your representation.

I see it happening all the time - actors wanting so badly to be sent out, and I've seen friends of mine end up in a similar situation as I did. Its a fine line, dealing with people. There are some terrific human beings in this biz and some are....wow. You have to figure out your own comfort level - what type of people you want to be surrounded by, what you are willing to put up with, and when you need to move on. YOU are the one up to bat for YOU.

I'm in a different place now then I was when I first began this contract that just ended. Back then, I too, wanted so badly to be sent out. I've grown up a lot since then. Now, I would like to get sent out, but I dont get upset if I'm not. Its the icing on the cake (when it happens) that I am grateful for. I've got my production company, writing my solo show and my Fair Trade endeavor to keep me busy and feeling a great sense of satisfaction.

At the end of the day, its all a lesson. We're all just out there doing our best. All these lessons are part of the process, not only as an artist, but as a human being.

The Artist's Way

I've started doing that workbook - The Artist's Way. I had a copy of it for like, 10 years (really!), but the thought of doing it always overwhelmed me. Where would I find the time? Because it is a time commitment - essentially, the author encourages you to take time for yourself, be nice to yourself, write, draw, reflect, etc.

But over the holidays I started flipping through it. I was traveling for 5 weeks the early part of this year - so once we returned I started doing it. Its friggin terrific!! No other words to describe it - and I guess you have to do it when you are ready - but, I'm ready now so away we go!!

I'm very up and down lately. But every female artist friend I have says they feel this way - so I think its safe to say that I am normal?? Although I have started looking around for a therapist - to keep my "pipes clean" and to help me navigate myself through my creative life and how I affect the world. I just hope my insurance covers it! There's a lot of change happening - we are moving to another part of Brooklyn, we are thinking of having children, I'm starting my fair trade biz and I've committed to continuing to work on my solo show. Lots of risk - so I think it would be good to go to therapy and have someone help me out with all the change. I realized recently I am having a tough time doing it alone.

Onward, HO!

Babies

We would like to have a child, but lately I've been really dreading it. Worried that it will consume my life and I'll have time for nothing creative - and well, that would be the end of me.

It didnt help that I met with an actress friend this week that has baby #2 on the way - she was reflecting on how much her life has changed. She says when she talks to her childless friends she's not jealous of their freedom, but wistful about the fact that her days of running from audition to audition without having to think of a kid, the days of running to Starbucks and chilling with a friend on a whim, are over. That girl who had all the time in the world for herself is no more.

I think there is something really beautiful about shedding that skin. Out with the old in with the new. Moving on. I felt that way when I was in Southeast Asia in January. I'm no longer that hippie backpacker chick, staying in the most primitive places I could find. I'm a woman. I have different standards of living now. I enjoy doing different things. I am married. And contemplating children.

Change is scary. That's just all there is to it. God, I wish I had more to offer here, but I dont. Its just something on my mind lately --- but here's part of a blog that I found helpful:

It’s about the myth of having children being bad for a career.

I got two abortions to preserve my career. To keep my options open. To keep my aspirations within reach.

I bought into the idea that kids undermine your ability to build an amazing career.

And here I am, with the amazing career.

But also, here I am with two kids. So I know a bit about having kids and a career. And I want to tell you something: You don’t need to get an abortion to have a big career. Women who want big careers want them because something deep inside you drives you to change the world, lead a revolution, break new barriers.

It doesn’t matter whether you have kids now or later, because they will always make your career more difficult. There is no time in your life when you are so stable in your work that kids won’t create an earthquake underneath that confidence.

So, in the famous words of Nikey, God willing, I'm gonna "just do it."

Enough

I've been in SE Asia for the last month on a belated honeymoon trip. When we got married the husband and I asked everyone to give a cash gift to help us out with this trip - and to our amazement everyone did.

Ok, everyone except one couple, who gave us a really weird vase. :)

So, off we went during January, tooting around Vietnam and Cambodia!

I had several epiphanies while away. Here they are:

- To focus more on self producing my own work. I've come to the realization that I hate auditioning regularly. Makes me feel a little too much like I'm walking on quick sand to have my work/happiness/fate in a casting director or producer's hands. Auditions are a nice supplement to my creative life - and that's that. No more investment necessary.

- I need to write. And draw. And express myself however I see fit. Dance, sing. It changes from week to week, day to day, hour to hour. And that's ok. But I really do need to write. Its become something I cant really get around anymore.

- I need to do something to give back to my community, my world. To help those who are less fortunate. To think bigger than me, me, me, me all the time. I saw such poverty, especially in Cambodia - that I feel like I must do something. The energy we put out into this world is so important. We MUST take care of each other. So, I have decided to start a Fair Trade business importing items made by people with disabilities living in Vietnam and Cambodia! More on that later --- but it feels really good to:

A) get off my ass and do something that benefits people in need

B) create my own income, with something I care about. I know actors who run around doing odd, mindless jobs they dont care about, so they can focus on their art. I was one - I ran myself ragged catering, waitering, etc. And let me tell you something, you DON'T get to focus on your art because you are so drained from working jobs you dont give a hoot about. They suck your soul! I'm not trying to be a downer, but about 5% of all SAG actors out there actually make a 100% living at acting...and the rest have to supplement. I do believe it is possible, absolutely, to be one of the 5%, but in the meantime, hunny, you best be coming up with something else and take my advice - make it something you CARE about - that wont grind away at your soul. You'll be better in the long run. You'll be a more relaxed, grounded artist. Take my word.

There are so many things I want to do with my life! I want to create a website that connects women, that is inspirational, and empowering. I guess I feel very fortunate. I came from humble beginnings - being a middle class girl from the South, having one parent from another culture - I never really thought I'd have the life that I have. But its the life I always wanted. I always dreamed about. Its SOOOO important to allow yourself to dream! I want to inspire other women to follow their dreams and to connect with one another! I want to write a one act play, get my one person show into a festival, cook Vietnamese food, raise money for my production company, put up another play, be in better physical shape, travel, help others in need, learn another language, travel, get involved with a theater community, take another acting class, get my monologues in a good place, travel, read more plays and books, learn more about fasting and diet, read labels, have a strong meditation practice, travel, and and and and.....connect with people....never lose my curiousity. Oh, and take a roadtrip making a documentary film about the average Joe.....

I've spent a lot of time beating myself up over my wants and dreams - thinking I have too many or that they are frivilous -- and the truth is: THEY AREN'T. I realize its great to have all these ideas floating around in my head. The crossroads that I'm at now is how to prioritize and not agonize about not being able to do it all at once. Hello? These are life long dreams, that will surely change and evolve.

The good news is that I am more relaxed these days about it all. I am prioritizing. It kills me right now NOT to be in an acting class, not to be auditioning. But right now I am setting up my Fair Trade business and submitting my solo show into festivals.

And that's ENOUGH (for now.....ha!)