The Bridge Update

It's finito!

Just popped a copy of the film we shot during April/May - "The Bridge," in the mail. Our first film fest submission so far - the biggest festival in Asia ---

And then I placed the post office receipt on the fridge and drew a heart on it - as a reminder of this victory! :)

Update

Some pretty cool stuff has happened recently:

--Booked a lead in a one act play festival

--Had meetings with a couple of really good agents

--Booked a print modeling job for Discover Card - and worked with a really sweet actress - we gabbed all day long! 

--Set up a couple of meetings with writers I like - am hoping to start to write something together. My hope is to write a screenplay I can take the lead in. 

--Am doing a staged reading of my one person piece with 3 other talented actresses in a couple of days

--Went out on my first voiceover audition - FUN! 

Michael

I'm so saddened by the death of Michael Jackson. Talk about someone who touched so many lives with his talent, his beautiful, heartfelt songs and of course, his DANCE MOVES!

I spent the early hours of the morning watching old footage of him on Youtube. I kept watching his performance of "Billie Jean" from the 25th year celebration of Motown. To me, that is when his light shined brightest - when he was on top of the world and still innocent, with the world at his feet - how I'll remember him:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8VASYhabHkM

I realized what a big influence he'd had on my life, like he's always been there from the time I was 8 yrs old up until now. His music was the music of my childhood. And oh, the things I'd forgotten about: the glittery glove, the white socks, how badly I wanted one of those red leather jackets like he wore for Thriller (and how my mom refused to buy me one. I had to settle for parachute pants instead).

What a contribution this bright light made during his short time here on this earth. I just hope that he left us happy with his life, and realizing what a positive influence he'd had on so many.

I heard a solo performer once say during his show that his father, on his deathbed, told him "not to leave this earth without having used all his God-given talent." Well, while I think Michael Jackson certainly had more left in him had he had more time.....none of us can argue that he didnt squeeze out every ounce that he could while he was here. This man will always hold a special place in my heart ---

Rest in peace - MJ - and thanks for sharing your beautiful talent with the rest of us.....I consider myself lucky to have lived during your time. 

Nice Reminders --

"This is a path for the courageous and the faithful. You must find another reason to work, other than the desire for success or recognition. It must come from another place."

- Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love

"Quit your complaining. It's not the world's fault that you wanted to be an artist. It's not the world's job to enjoy the films you make, and it's certainly not the world's obligation to pay for your dreams. Nobody wants to hear it. Steal a camera if you have to, but stop whining and get back to work!"

-Werner Herzog, German filmmaker

Out of the Fog and Into the Light

Man, I've learned a lot about the way I operate in recent days. When I need to make a change in my life, I fall into despair (clinging to old habits). I get depressed and angry - then I need to talk to some of my girlfriends about it. Sort it out. Bless these women!!! Lucky, lucky me.

Then I have to let whatever it is I'm clinging onto go - completely. I usually let go out of being tired or too frustrated by whatever it is that is bothering me. This whole process takes me about 10 days.

Its more of an exorcism.

But then change can happen.

Sure, I wish I had an easier, quicker, more laid back way of going about it. But this is who I am. And fortunately, I have a partner and friends who love all of me - the relaxed, chill Michelle and the crazy lunatic Michelle. One is really not better than the other - all parts of a whole (me) - and I learn from both parts of myself.

I'm just glad that I have it in me to make changes when I need to. Even when I don't want to at first.

In this biz, you have to have a thick skin. The more opportunities you have to audition, the more opportunities you have to work. And the more opportunities you have to come so close to booking - to then not get the job, and its usually for reasons out of your control. Dealing with audition opportunities that do not bear fruit (in that you don't get the job) can be tough. You must be able to see the value in simply going to an audition. For starters, they called you in and didn't call in a lot of other people. You get to meet new people. Work on your craft. Get more comfortable each time you audition.

BUT --- the reminder I've had through all of this, is that you must create your own work - in order to be sure you get to express yourself. You cannot wait to be hired for someone else's project to do this. It's too important! And in our own hands......

And then you have to let it go. And be sure acting is not the most important thing to you. That you have other hobbies, things to talk about, friends outside of the biz.

So, I'm really grateful for these exorcisms! :) After all the fog - clarity is right around the corner.

Taking Back My POWER

Writing class is so much fun! I had a rehearsal tonight with my coach - the piece is really coming along and I'm really looking forward to doing the reading in a couple of weeks with the other actresses. Each piece is totally different from each other - I think it will be a lot of fun for the audience to watch and listen to! :)

I've decided to take a break from auditioning - unless something really great comes along. I need to work on some of my own stuff and CHILL OUT MORE. Live in my power!! I want to work with more writers - what I'd really love is to commission a writer to write a short film for me. I've put out a call to a couple of writers I know - we'll see what happens......

It Ebbs and It Flows --

Feeling back in the saddle today - after a load of sleep last night, doing some writing and reading some other blogs. I swear the latter is the best way for me to pull myself up - reading blogs posted by other actors. Helps me feel that I am not alone in this when I get down.

I find too that I get overwhelmed/depressed when I try to take on too much. I start looking at my life as "not enough," instead of with contentment. And this is always a sure red flag. This article really helped me to review my goals and PARE DOWN. I realized I am too all over the place and I need to refocus my energy.

http://zenhabits.net/2009/05/3-ways-to-get-more-done-with-the-power-of-less/

And meditation practice, you are about to get more love from me! Sorry I neglected you!!

The Crazy Crazies

Been very depressed over the last few days. Triggered by this health "thingy." I went to a print casting today for a mental health drug and I couldnt help but think, "Boy, I'm the perfect poster-girl for this right now." Ha ha. At least I have a sense of humor in times like these.

I keep thinking about something I read recently:

"Artists….have their ups and downs….for a while everything you do is wonderful or you think it is then you slide down….pulling yourself up again is the most important part of your life.”

Sometimes I just don't know how to pull myself up and I linger in self-pity for several days. Everything sucks, everyone sucks, I suck, you suck, etc, etc, etc. And then I get sick of it and that's that. I have to move on.

I have a friend who is working like crazy lately, she's my best friend here these days - and she met up with me and listened to my sorrows as I devoured waffles topped with melted chocolate and a hot chocolate on the side (told you it was bad.....). And I felt so vulnerable telling her the crazy thoughts that go on inside my head, all my fears and insecurities. And at the moment when I was feeling most loser-like and vulnerable, I looked across the table, beyond the disappearing mountain of chocolate waffles at her and just when I thought she was going to give me that "GIRLFRIEND, you ARE CRAZY look - the "wow, look at the time, I think I gotta get goin" look -- she gave me her own "crazy" story for every story I had and we spent the whole afternoon topping each other's stories of moments of craziness.

It was just what I needed. :)

So I've been sorta getting things done this week. Walking around like Rain Man, really. But that's ok. I think I need to try to be really kind to myself right now. Or just not be so hard on myself if I'm not accomplishing all my "goals."

Breath in, breath out......smile? Hey, now there's an idea.....!

Here's a list of things I came up with that might help you combat the blues:

1) Spend time with a caring friend

2) Yoga (or exercise of your choice)

3) Write

4) Get it all out - complain, bitch and then MOVE ON (poor husband....)

5) Try not to beat yourself up - you are human - and frustration, sadness, etc are all colors of your emotional rainbow

6) Go see beautiful things - kids playing in the park, art exhibit, etc.

7) Sleep (or other forms of relaxation, like getting a massage)

8) Reading other people's blogs. You'd be amaze to see that you are not alone!

9) And of course, retail therapy is always an option

C'est la vie

Avoiding writing. Again. I know as soon as I start - it will be ok....its just the starting that is the trick for me. But I've looked up during my procrastination just about everything I possibly can on the Internet. That's good. Now I'll have no choice but to get started.

I had a little scare recently with my health. I go to the doctor again soon - and from what I've heard from people I've talked to I'll truly be ok. But I've been very out of sorts over the last few days over it, needless to say.

So I had to cancel an audition yesterday because of all this. And now my manager tells me this casting director is upset with me. So I guess I'll give him a call tomorrow to try to smooth things over. Maybe. Might be best to just let it go. I'm not sorry that I had to cancel, but sorry that I came off as unprofessional. I get it - I've cast projects myself and its annoying when people no-show. But, hey, I did call and I did the best I could do in that situation so if this guy wants to hold it against me - its really out of my hands. C'est la vie.

On a more positive note - I had an audition today with a really big casting director. So I'm pleased that I got to meet her. More details on that later.....

And you know, things are pretty good. I'm getting more and more callbacks and going in for some "namey" projects more often (although, like Melissa Leo, I'll never give up my indie film roots!!). I have an audition coach that I work really well with, and I'm writing! This health "thingy" that came up, really had me starting to think about how I want to live my creative life (and personal life too). And, coincidentally, I recently met a woman who is pursuing the things I want to pursue. Like me, she started off as actress, but now that's a side note. She produces/writes/directs & occasionally acts in her own work. And that's the direction I'd like to take. I find myself feeling a little too vulnerable at times as pure actress. I need more control over my creative life. It's funny bc after the second film I ever shot, it was so nerve-wracking for me being in front of the camera - I really didnt like it - and I thought I might want to go behind the scenes. But the director of this film urged me not to - insisted that I continue to pursue acting 100%. So I have.

But now I find myself feeling the same way - being pulled in that direction again. Wanting to collaborate more with other filmmakers/writers. So I think I need to listen to that.

Here's to exploring the many sides of ourselves.....

Yep, the way it goes sometimes ---

So, didnt get the part I recently auditioned for that I really wanted. Ah, well.....the casting director told my manager I was "great," and I know that's good and she'll keep me in mind for future parts. And that's all part of it - making good impressions for future projects.

AND BESIDES -- I have an audition tomorrow for a film that Jim Jarmush (!) is producing. His production company was downstairs from my old apt in the East Village - and I'd see him sometimes on the street. (he did Coffee and Cigarettes and wrote Broken Flowers, etc). AND - I have an audition on Monday for a....um, Julia Roberts film. No kidding! How 'bout them apples??

Onward and upward, indeed! ;)

Satisfaction --

That's how my writing class makes me feel. Satisfied.

I can't encourage you enough to do whatever it is that keeps pulling at you - no matter how "not a part of your plan" it may seem. I never saw myself doing a solo show (which is what this class is helping me write), but over the last 3 years, it kept coming up - something made me run out and see solo performances whenever I could - there was a curiosity that just wouldnt go away - as much as I tried to ignore it. So, when that happens, its a sure sign that there is a need inside that needs to be tended to. To help us live as fully as we can! Which reminds me of one of my favorite quotes (yep, I've probably already posted this before, but here we go again anyway!):

Gaze into the fire, into the clouds, and as soon as the inner voices begin to speak..surrender to them. Don't ask first whether it's permitted, or would please your teachers or father or some god. You will ruin yourself if you do that. -H. Hesse

M