Solo Show Progress

Soooo, my solo show opened tonight. I wrote my piece and performed it, along with 3 other actors doing their own pieces. It went really well! Sure I flubbed my lines a little - but thats gonna happen. Overall, it was well received and I am glad that first night is over - now its time to really go in there and just have fun!

And I know this is a really good "bootcamp" I'm putting myself through in many ways. I've learned a lot. Agonizing about "linking" my sentences together so they appear as a complete thought. Learning where to take my pauses, where to speed it up - with intention. Losing my voice - but then grounding myself into my breath. (my director says that a lot of solo performers appear to "lose" their voice - but its really just our physical reaction to doing something scary - the voice says "I'm not gonna let the audience hear me," and starts to shut down. Isnt that interesting?)

You'd think performing something you wrote is easier. Nope. Its different. And yes, some things are easier so far (emotional life), and some things are more challenging (creating the proper rhythm in my speech). The things I learned were much more technical. And I know that's something I need right now - I've spent a lot of my classroom time and coaching learning to create emotional life. Which is very important - but only a piece of the pie.

Doing this show has been very tough on my relationship. And I dont know what the answer is for that. Except to figure out how not to be a freak when I have a show coming up. I get VERY needy and expect everything to be dropped so that I can be waited on. Not something I'm proud of, but hey, I'm learning.....at least that part is over --- for now.

It's a $&*#&$&* Process!

This last week has been really intense!

Mostly with dealing with my upcoming solo show. Boy, the fears have been eating at me. I realized what this was about: I'm an Aries. We are impatient. I want to get down to business, get to the finish line, NOW.

But with all things we create, it takes TIME. It is a PROCESS. I used to hate it when my teachers would say in acting class, "well, its a process." I was like, "fuck, what the hell does that mean? Just tell me what I need to do and I'LL DO IT!" And I would storm off frustrated at my shortcomings as an actress.

Ha. Thank God I have a little more patience and love for my craft these days! And a director I'm working with who is amazing, soooo brilliant and nurturing!

I see real growth. I'm at a point where yes, process and not knowing what's next does still freak me out.....but not to the point that I cannot function. (like it did before) I can take direction without beating myself up over it like I use to. I know creation is a process and I have more of an understanding of that these days through experience. I definitely see it in my work and in rehearsals - I dont take it personally like I use to.

As my Italian acting coach would say: "Tanka God-ah!"

Other than dealing with my patience/impatience....I've had to balance my time really well. And be sure I am eating and exercising and having some down time - its easy to let that go when you get crazed - and its SO IMPORTANT not to! I am producing this show too, so there's been lots of stuff on that end, letting people know about the show.......etc etc.

And then the film I starred in that won a fest - there was an awards party I had to go to. Which was actually really fun - got to see some of the old cast and crew - and even bumped into some other actors I've worked with before on other projects.

Its been an intense week. But a really good one. Great to see some of my hard work paying off - but having its own set of challenges at the same time to. Its been great for me to see that even when things seem to be going really well....its no friggin cake walk. All the more the reason to be sure you surround yourself with loving, positive people. No time for downers here......

Stay Away From Small People

"Stay away from people who belittle your dreams....small people do that, while the really great make you feel that you too, can be great." Mark Twain

I have a couple of friendships lately that I am really questioning. Because these two people, although they are dear to me....I constantly feel like I cannot talk about anything positive going on in my life to either of them. I have to tone everything down constantly, and make it sound as though I am suffering - so that they dont feel threatened.

Not much of a friendship, is it?

One of my mentors recently told me to try this test:

Tell your friends and mentors "hey, I'm working with Spielberg - he has my reel!" and watch their reaction. You want to keep the friendships of those who are 100% excited for you - and the ones who seem skeptical or unenthused, those are the ones you want to drop like a hot potato.

While I'm not gonna go so far as to do this test.....(because I already know what kind of reaction I would get from these "friends") I really am questioning these friendships lately. I am torn bc I know that part of a friendship is to love the person for who they are - and to stick by them when they arent doing so great. But there is also something to being around negative, fearful energy too. Something that I feel I must protect myself from. I have to protect my mind and heart from that and march on with those who are positive and those I respect because those are the influences I want in my life.

One must be very selective about the company one keeps.....so, for now, I'll keep the mentioned friendships, but at a distance.....

The Calm in the Eye of the Storm

I am really grappling with my fears lately of putting up my one person piece. It helps to think of people I know - famous or not - who have done the same thing and to know that they went through the same fears. And it helps to have a hubby to talk to about it, who supports me fully.

We were talking about it tonight (ok - that really means that I had a minor meltdown....) and I realized that I am scared because I am taking a risk. I'm not living under a rock, I've actually written something beautiful and personal and touching and funny - and now I'm putting it out there for all to see. And that is friggin nerve racking! So, of course I'm scared and worried at times. Some may laugh, some may be touched, and some may hate it. But I know I cant get too wrapped up in that. I have to "give it to my character," as one of my acting coaches would say. "If you love your character(s) and are so completely involved with them, it doesnt matter to you what anyone else thinks. You wont even care about that."

All part of the process. And for some reason I need to do this - its part of my artistic growth.

With the film I starred in winning a festival, the film I am producing (starring a 2009 Oscar nominee) and my solo show......I have become news worthy! So now I have a press rep working to get some buzz going for me. Its all very funny, I think, and very strange. But, all part of the process and my next step. It is very frightening putting myself out there - I actually dont enjoy that sort of spotlight. I would rather just do the work - do a film or a play and if only 20 people see it, that's more than enough for me! The whole publicity part of things makes me anxious!

I came home early today after being in the city for an audition, and doing some press work --- planning to work on my solo show. BUT - I really needed a night off - to drink some hot cocoa and sit by the fire. I realize now, as I'm laying here, that in the midst of all this action going on in my life lately, my soul REALLY needed this down time. No way around it.

I started reading old journal entries from this summer - when I thought I might be having health issues (it turned out ok). In these entries, I talked a lot about how important quiet time was for me, and friendships.....slowing down. How soon we speed up and forget to smell those flowers! I have to smell the roses! I am very unhappy when life speeds up and I forget to do these things.

So, here's to quiet time. And to listening to what we REALLY need to be shiney happy people....so we can have calm in the middle of the storm.....and we can be a solid rock for the people we love.......

Tracy Trevett - An Inspiration

I am TOTALLY mourning the loss of one of my first acting teachers today - Tracy Trevett.

I found out the way everyone seems to get info these days: Facebook.

This woman was such an inspiration to me. She helped me fall in love with acting and held my hand when I was scared. I made some of my first real discoveries as an actor in her presence and with her help, with her sweet, encouraging smile coaxing me along. I always wanted to emulate her - she was so strong, so giving, nuturing, so in love with ALL her students.

It's really sad when you see a bright light like this dim. At least in the physical, earthly respect. I know her spirit still lingers with 100's of her students. And to be that loved and remembered by so many - what a gift.

Thanks Tracy. I miss you terribly.

You're gone way too soon - but I'm glad I had the chance to know you.

Love, M

Remember to Relax

Turns out, all this fear and anxiety I've been having lately about my show was easily cured by a late night with good friends and several bottles of vino. :)

Yoga couldnt even cure this - I've been going to yoga for days in a row - hoping to relax, with little help.

Just when I thought I was "too busy" to have fun and CHILL - its actually what I needed. I feel at ease and ready to tackle learning my lines for my Tuesday rehearsal.

Thank gawd for good friends (and wine)!

Some good advice, actor or not, we can all use!

I just read a wonderful blog by a terrific actress I know - I copied some of the info here for your reading pleasure because I found it so useful! Here ya go:

Happy + People = Work
Check this scenario out:

You meet two guys. One is hunched over and looks tired and lethargic. You feel your life being sucked out of you by this black hole. You ask him: "How are you?" and he takes a swig of his vodka, a hit off his joint and whines: "It's so hard. It's just not fair. My boss won't give me a chance. And it's just gotten worse with this economy..." You want to run away from this person as fast as you can.

Then you turn to his friend. He's confident, stands straight up and is at ease with himself. You feel a warmth and happy glow emanating from him. You ask him: "So how are things?" He smiles and says: "I'm really happy, things are going well." You want some of that, don't you? Yes of course you do, everyone wants to be around happy, positive people.

Are, are you happy? Or are you straining so hard you feel like your eyeballs are going to pop out? People can feel that. Yes the business is based on appearence but it's all based on inner beauty as well. You will be sitting on set with people for 14 hours straight. People don't want to work with attractive, talented soul suckers. They'd rather work with someone who may not be the most talented but a wonderful person.

As an actor, you must trancend being any race/gender/religion/being.
Yes, in your career you will be pigeon-holed and the roles you get may have you playing stereotypical characters. But it is your duty as an artist to push beyond that and define who you are on your own terms.

People who have done this: Tina Fey, Steve Martin, Mae West. Smart, pragmatic and in control of their careers. Those stars who didn't: Marilyn Monroe, Elvis Presley. Beautiful and talented but who gave up their power to others. The results are tragic.

Remember, it takes a while.
It takes 10-15 years to make it. Have you been working in the business that long? If you've been doing it 13 years, are you going to quit right before you "make it"?

Connect to a higher power.
Whoever or whatever gives you higher purpose and who inspires you to push forward with your art on a deeper level. Otherwise, the wind in your sails will die, you will stagnate and probably peeter out.

But you're different, right? Yes of course you are, you have the light of God in you...so shine like the powerful little spirit that you are, darnit! ^_^

(disclaimer: I'm not really religious so take "God" with a grain of salt)

Re - Centering

Feeling like I need a career "regrouping session" with myself. There's a lot going on, but I feel I still need to be sure I'm focused. I do this every now and then - when I feel the need to.

I have a career coach I'm really fond of - we do phone chats every now and then. Putting in a call to him seems to be in order. To check myself. I like him because he is the only career coach I've worked with that I dont feel like is trying to sell me on something - more sessions with him, a spot in his class, etc. (WATCH OUT for those types!!) The only thing he is trying to do is brainstorm and help me along my way. He truly seems to enjoy helping actors.

Feeling like something is missing - in this whirlwind of work I find myself in lately. I dont know what that could possibly be - but I know I need to be still and listen to that.....

Yoga yoga yoga here I come!

A Little Help

I have a lot of lines to learn for my one person piece, scenework to work on for my new acting class.....

And what am I doing? You guessed it - PROCRASTINATING!

Anyone who reads this blog knows by now that I struggle with this - that we ALL DO. I dont really know what the answer is to it all - except to notice it - to get to know those habits of yours you are not so proud of - and then forge ahead.

It helps me to write. So when I wrote about it this morning - I realized it was all due to fear. It was like an A-ha moment. Because I was wondering - why would I procrastinate doing something that I really do want to do? That makes zero sense. But there is a lot of fear in stepping up to the plate and doing something that makes you vulnerable - like you have your heart in your hand and instead of hiding it, you are cupping it in your hands and offering it up to strangers and saying:

"Here it is. Here I am, like it or not. Here's my everything."

And that is fucking scary!

So, what's the answer to this? Hmmmm.....I'm not sure if I really know.

Ok - I would say to be very brave and forge ahead. When we avoid, we are just scared. And that is a perfectly, wonderfully normal human experience.

So, I offer to you what I've learned so far --- ;)

Juliette Binoche - Tour de Force

I just saw Juliette Binoche's dance piece at BAM (Brooklyn Academy of Music). Man, I am so friggin lucky to live a 10 minute bike ride from this place - its like the Lincoln Center of Brooklyn!

She dances and choreographed this piece with Akram Khan, who my friend told me is one of the most famous choreographers in Europe.

Here's an article I found on this:

http://www.metro.co.uk/metrolife/article.html?in_article_id=298548&in_page_id=260

What was so inspiring to me was to see this powerful, amazing actress doing SOMETHING ELSE besides acting. No tunnel vision for this actress as to what her limits are!

The piece was a mix of dance, some scenes that were played out, and monologues - I love that they were able to make a combination of each performer's strengths, meanwhile challenging themselves.

See? There are no limits to what one can do ---

Realizing Your Limits

Like I mentioned, the last few weeks have gotten pretty busy. I realized today that I need to simplify my life. So, I:

1) Regrettably, canceled dinner plans with friends I havent seen in a long time. (good friends understand when you have to do this)

2) Cancelled my participation in a video shoot for the film I am producing - we are shooting a fundraising teaser. I only canceled bc I know they have plenty of help already and, since I am NOT a cameraman, I really dont have to be there. I need a mental health day.

It's so important to realize your limits. So you can be healthy, happy and well-rested for when you are needed. That is one thing I took away from having health issues this summer: I'm no longer willing to burn the candle at both ends. I have to take care of myself so that I can be the best person that I can be in both my personal and my professional life. :)

Don't be afraid to take time off when its needed!

STRESS!!!!!!! And some growth ---

Two bumps in the road have recently occurred:

1) Had a first rehearsal for my one person piece and it was ROUGH!! My insecure side was sitting there going "holy shit, I dont know if I want to invite ANYONE to this!!"

But my matter-of-fact, "mama hen" to my creativity told me: "This is a rehearsal - that's what rehearsals are for - to work out the kinks. Now you know what you need to work on. Relax, and get to work!!"

I have to say, I've really grown in my ability to take constructive criticism. I dont take it personally. Constructive criticism is a guidepost to what you need to work on. Boy, a few years ago, I use to let it devour me - I'd get so upset - to the point that it was crippling. Thank the goodness for this growth - and all I can say is that it comes with time. Getting up and doing it over and over and over again - whether it be auditioning, being in front of a camera, working in class, or most likely a combo of all the above.....eventually your fears will lessen. You'll care less about what other people think, need compliments about your work a lot less, and just be committed to doing the best work that you can do.

2) Producing the film I'm working on has been very trying this week. I havent been able to get people to get back in touch with me as quickly as I would have liked. Things havent "moved." And that can be VERY frustrating. When you feel you are on top of things and others appear not to be. ANNOYING!

I realized that I needed to "care" about this project a little less. Not that I will work on it any less than I already am, but that it doesnt need to be my "everything." Projects come and go, they get pushed back, sometimes they disappear. You have to learn, somehow to go with the flow, and not invest every part of your being into them. If that makes ANY sense at all - but its like you have to be prepared to be disappointed at times, and not to take it personally.

Now, if its your own project, that's a whole other ballgame --

I got's my work cut out for me!