Where the Help in Dealing With My Fears Came From -

My yoga class.

My teacher talks about dealing with your fears and living uncomfortably all the time. And living fully.

Gosh I dont even know how long I've been going to this class. A couple of years?? And these days I have only 3 teachers I'll go to. I am picky these days about who I take class with, bc for me its very much a spiritual practice. My religion. Where I go to sort myself out.

I'd been wanting to tell my teacher about my show....bc he had so much to do with me doing it, really. He's helped me to look my fears in the face. But each time after class, he always has a crowd of people standing around, wanting to talk to him.....and I felt like such a groupie with my postcard in hand wanting to share it with him. So alas I never did..... :(

But the other day, with only one show left, BEFORE class I had the opportunity and I ceased it. And it felt really good to share this moment with him. I realized it wasnt even about inviting him, "filling a seat" in the theater.....it wasnt about that at all. I didnt even have a postcard to give him - I didnt talk about the material or when it was happening and I didnt even invite him (lord knows he probably gets invited to tons of stuff). None of that stuff mattered at that moment. I told him how I was doing this show, and so much of the reason why I was able to do it was bc I'd been going to his classes. How his classes helped me to look my fears in the face, and how scared I was each time I went on. But I did it anyway.

And he said...."ah, you are out there representing --- " :)

It was a moment of pure connection with someone I dont really know that well but who has given me so much......we arent "friends" or anything like that.....I suppose we are kindred spirits in that we try to deal with fear daily - to look it in the face -- and to keep moving toward it, instead of hiding from it and going for what's most comfortable.

You Won't Be Loved By All - & That's OK!

Gosh, I am feeling really content right now. Fulfilled. Happy. And fortunate to feel this way -

I just made it through my 3rd and 4th solo show in the festival. The 3rd one was in a really good time slot - and the audience was amazing. The 4th one was in a tougher time slot, and while I had a really good turn out - they were SO QUIET compared to my 3rd show!

I learned from this that you have to just keep moving - keep doing your thing. Stay focused. If you arent getting laughs - and I know this in theory - it doesnt mean people arent enjoying themselves and along for the ride with you -

There was a guy in the front row who looked completely annoyed the whole time. I really wanted to stop and say "hey, if you want to leave......the door is this way.....no hard feelings!" He kept shifting in his seat, and looking at the floor. Did ya HAVE to sit in the front row, dude??

And I admit, it threw me. I got very insecure. Unsure of myself. I felt like I was offending him somehow --

But I kept moving - cause I had NO CHOICE! And who knows - you can have folks starring you down the whole time, looking at you blankly - and they really actually connect to your piece. Although I really dont think this guy did. And that's ok. One thing I'm really learning (which again, in theory I already knew) is that you WON'T be loved by all. Some folks will connect with you - and some just wont.

And you just have to keep moving - keep telling your story - keep doing your thing -

The Switch

I've had a week's break from the show. Its in a festival, so the schedule is really sporadic.

I've spent this time marketing the show: sending info to casting directors, managers (I am courting a new manager), reminding friends and peers (Facebook, email, texting, calls....), hanging posters around the city, laying out postcards, etc.....

Oh, and finally opening our big pile of mail and paying bills.

Now I am slowly dipping back into performance mode. I go up again day after tomorrow. So I spent tonight running lines, walking through the piece. And yes of course the fear is there - will I be able to do it again? what if I'm not emotionally available, what if "they" dont like it, dont like me, etc......all that stuff.

So I remind myself that this is all part of it. This fear. Fear of hitting your mark (or not). And I know I need to slow down, turn my producer's brain off and allow myself to "sink" back into the piece. Find the characters. Find my trust in that I am enough. I have done enough for this piece. I dont have to push. I just have to trust myself 100%. And basically, turn on some good preparation music and chillax.....the producing part of this has to come to and end so the performer can take over.

The Difference between Performance #1 and #2

The first one was DYNO-MITE! It was electrifying - probably partially bc I was so nervous that those nerves gave me such energy - I had so many friends in the crowd - and it was terrific to look out there and see so many familiar faces - They cracked up the whole way - in places where I thought, "really? is that funny???"

Needless to say, it was a BRILLIANT start!

Then performance #2 came - and boy oh boy.....they made me work for it. They were so quiet. At moments when they were "suppose" to laugh......crickets. I was like, "damn, wasnt that funny??" One woman in the second row even started nodding off - my first sleeper. Its happened to every performer and my director had warned me: "just see....at one of your shows you will have some old person falling asleep in the front row....." when I saw her nodding off, I would make my way over to her and scream my lines toward her to wake her up......the crowd was older too - and simply more quiet. It was a good exercise in telling my story ANYWAY - to all those blank faces, no matter what.......

But, even still, the crowd seemed happy - I talked to most people afterwards and they had really nice things to say. It was just a different crowd from the night before. My producer said that when everyone left the theater - they walked out smiling - a good sign!

Happy or not: I just have to do my thing and not get too caught up in "what everyone thinks." This is about my lessons, my journey, my growth. But, I do admit, a happy audience is a NICE side note......

Solo show: performance phase

Well shit. Where do I begin?

We had our first show tonight and it was a blast. Gosh, there was so much happening leading up to it: my producer's father passed away, then our production coordinator's grandmother. Our tech girl got sick (but she did make it to the the tech rehearsal thank god), quarrels with the husband......oh lord, what else?

On the upbeat side of things: I have really grown so much so far from this experience. I am a more confident actress. I've had some REALLY good press hits about the show - seems that the topic I am writing and performing about is interesting to people. (who knew? I just happened to put my life on paper.....because I needed to.....)

The fear has constantly been there. And I know that its a good thing. Being scared. I cant say I really enjoy the fear - but when its there I know that I am onto something good. Something real. That there will be growth. So part of me really craves this fear, really needs it.

On the subway ride to the theater....I was sitting there thinking "why am I doing this? WHY??" I thought, for the first time in my performance life...that I would literally throw up before going out on stage. The one thing that kept me going in those moments was that I knew I had an interesting story to tell - and I know that from somewhere deep in my heart, in my gut....I need to tell it. I dont know why - its unexplainable. But I need to do it.

One thing I have really noticed - is when I am doing things for outward approval vs. when I am doing them for my inward need, for something deeper. And right now I am talking specifically about craft. When I go outward, I fall flat on my face....my acting is ugh! But when I go "inward" when I remember who these characters are, and when I really place myself in the circumstance (and not in my head trying to please an audience, get to a certain emotion, make the circumstance something its not, etc) and just allow each moment to be as truthful as it can be.....that's when the beauty can happen. Its a shift. Mostly in my mind. But at the same time, your acting will fluctuate between going outward and inward - and as long as you can feel when you are going "outward" (you are usually self conscious, in your head or aware that the moment is a suicide mission) and then reel yourself back in.....you'll be ok. So, its not about perfection, but about going easy on yourself, taking note and learning. And these days I am really learning.

I saw an article once where Meryl Streep (who is known to not like talking about her craft) said: "its all there. whatever I need is all there." And I thought, "well that's real easy for you to say, Meryl Streep!!!" But for the first time in my "craft life," I get what she's saying. Again, its a shift in my mindset. In the past I would STRESS: am I there? Am I where I need to be??? But as long as I've done the work (and trust me, I have done the work for this one)....I get what she's saying. You cant sit around and fret. There comes a point when you have to relax into it - and that is a HUGE shift for me. I've RARELY been relaxed about it.

I'm actually on stage having fun and trusting myself!

Am I worried about my next performance? You bet I am! But, I know exactly what I need to do to be ready, and once I'm ready - I can fly -

How bout them apples?!

The Show Must Go On

I just got a message that my tech person - may not make it to tech rehearsal today --

It will be interesting to see how a tech rehearsal runs without a tech person there ---

oy.

When It Rains, It Pours....and then Crickets....& so on....

Such is the life of being a thriving person in the arts. I'm finding myself incredibly slammed lately, out of no where. And then I'll have moments when its REALLY quiet - and that's usually when I go off and create something (hello? like a solo show --) to give me some satisfaction and to keep me sane.

Our apt has turned into quite the creative hub! This happened during my "blogging break," but we shot another short film...this one we are strictly producing...which was hard on both me and my husband. We're not used to purely producing. It was a lesson in humility. It was hard to sit back and watch someone else direct, someone else act. But, I kept telling myself: this is a really good film with a phenominal cast (one being Oscar nominated)...so in the long run its worth it for our production company. And who's complaining? It was a great opportunity and a great experience. (oh, except for THAT one person on set who drives everyone nuts!! but otherwise, the cast and crew were amazing!!) ;0)

So these days, the husband is now editing that film out of our home.....I am madly at work on my solo piece....which has taught me so many lessons in patience, trust, humility....oh and did I mention patience? ....and keeping my faith. We have an assistant who comes over almost every day and she's awesome - and she helps us with all our projects and we basically just enjoy having her around.....its a great working vibe --

And I know, that of course, the crickets will come again -- they just do. But I've been doing this long enough to know that its all like water - it ebbs and flows - the tide rushes in....and then it pulls back again.....

And I am so grateful for the rain and then the crickets....although I do PREFER the rain, I must admit. :) :) :)

Cate Blanchett in Streetcar

I was just reading an article about Cate Blanchett -and I realized I never blogged about watching her work live not too long ago.

She was performing Street Car Named Desire, the role of, yes, Blanche Dubois. We had FRONT ROW tickets - I'd been calling about the performances months before tickets ever went on sale. I called in the MINUTE they went on sale. WHAT A NIGHT at the theater. And that, my friend, was so worth it. If you ever get the chance to see her live, you must go.

All I can say is.....what a performance. And we all know the role of Blanche is the Mt Everest of all roles. She went beyond nailing it. I finally understood, as I watched this performance, everything Blanche is feeling...why she does the things she does. I walked out of the theater charged. With a big smile on my face....

I wish I knew how Cate works. But then again, I have my own process and hers probably wouldnt even work for me. It was so much fun during the scene transitions to watch her sail across the stage with such grace, surely in her element.

Thank God for actors like that. That make you want to reach for your own stars. I hope I get to work with her one day cause she is da bomb, yo -

Solo show days -

Here's what my days are like lately:

- Get up, write my morning pages

- meditate (maybe)

- answer emails: to the festival, to my publicist, my producer, etc

- get on Facebook and make some sort of announcement about the show, respond to messages

- go to yoga (maybe)

- do one personal thing: pick up repaired boots, drop off something at dr's office, etc

- prepare for rehearsal

- rehearsal

- come home, answer emails

- rework my writing and rehearsal notes

- TV (maybe)

Oh. I do eat in there. Somewhere.