We had our first show tonight and it was a blast. Gosh, there was so much happening leading up to it: my producer's father passed away, then our production coordinator's grandmother. Our tech girl got sick (but she did make it to the the tech rehearsal thank god), quarrels with the husband......oh lord, what else?
On the upbeat side of things: I have really grown so much so far from this experience. I am a more confident actress. I've had some REALLY good press hits about the show - seems that the topic I am writing and performing about is interesting to people. (who knew? I just happened to put my life on paper.....because I needed to.....)
The fear has constantly been there. And I know that its a good thing. Being scared. I cant say I really enjoy the fear - but when its there I know that I am onto something good. Something real. That there will be growth. So part of me really craves this fear, really needs it.
On the subway ride to the theater....I was sitting there thinking "why am I doing this? WHY??" I thought, for the first time in my performance life...that I would literally throw up before going out on stage. The one thing that kept me going in those moments was that I knew I had an interesting story to tell - and I know that from somewhere deep in my heart, in my gut....I need to tell it. I dont know why - its unexplainable. But I need to do it.
One thing I have really noticed - is when I am doing things for outward approval vs. when I am doing them for my inward need, for something deeper. And right now I am talking specifically about craft. When I go outward, I fall flat on my face....my acting is ugh! But when I go "inward" when I remember who these characters are, and when I really place myself in the circumstance (and not in my head trying to please an audience, get to a certain emotion, make the circumstance something its not, etc) and just allow each moment to be as truthful as it can be.....that's when the beauty can happen. Its a shift. Mostly in my mind. But at the same time, your acting will fluctuate between going outward and inward - and as long as you can feel when you are going "outward" (you are usually self conscious, in your head or aware that the moment is a suicide mission) and then reel yourself back in.....you'll be ok. So, its not about perfection, but about going easy on yourself, taking note and learning. And these days I am really learning.
I saw an article once where Meryl Streep (who is known to not like talking about her craft) said: "its all there. whatever I need is all there." And I thought, "well that's real easy for you to say, Meryl Streep!!!" But for the first time in my "craft life," I get what she's saying. Again, its a shift in my mindset. In the past I would STRESS: am I there? Am I where I need to be??? But as long as I've done the work (and trust me, I have done the work for this one)....I get what she's saying. You cant sit around and fret. There comes a point when you have to relax into it - and that is a HUGE shift for me. I've RARELY been relaxed about it.
I'm actually on stage having fun and trusting myself!
Am I worried about my next performance? You bet I am! But, I know exactly what I need to do to be ready, and once I'm ready - I can fly -
How bout them apples?!
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