Meine Elterns (my in-laws)

I am incredibly lucky - I have the best in-laws in the world.

As I was sitting with them at dinner tonight, sipping wine (and I rarely drink these days) - I felt so overwhelmed with emotions. My communication with them has gotten a lot better (they dont speak English) - and while its still baby talk at best.....for the first time.....I am able to carry on simple conversations with them.

It brings tears to my eyes bc this is so important to me. And I know it means a lot to my husband. And to them.

As I sat there, laughing and joking with them, I felt pure happiness. That deep deep feeling that doesnt come around too too often....but when it does its overwhelming and you realize that this is why life is so important. To be with people you love, who love you deeply.....to be wrapped in those arms of love. It is, and I'll say it again.....overwhelming.....there are no words.

And being around this love, it makes you want to be the best person you can be. It makes you want to love all your loved ones. To tell them how great they are. How much you admire them, are grateful for them.

Ok. So I've had a few too many glasses of wine --

I can see why artists like Hemingway and others were alcoholics......

Sometimes, a girl has got to let her hair down ---

:)

European Update

I have my first audition tomorrow in Europe! Woot-Woot!

Since I've been here - its been a mix of sleeping off the jetlag, relaxing and emailing. (yes I am on email - its kind of impossible not to be)

By being able to step out of my NYC life - and finding a little clarity - I'm feeling really good about things - taking the solo show forward, meeting some new folks here in Berlin. Going back to L.A.

Thank goodness we got a fellowship and were able to do this - the $$$ is out there folks! You just have to seek it out --

So, what is it that you want to do?? You do know that its possible right?? (just give it a try -- )

;)

Auf Wiedersehen!

I'm off to Europe TOMORROW and I feel like I have a million loose ends to tie up - mostly personal stuff!! Eeeeekkk!!!

But I'm REALLY looking forward to disconnecting from my life here (and the Internet, Facebook, Twitter, etc....) for a little while. My soul needs this.

While there I hope to take some meetings. Maybe. Part of me wants to do jack-shit. Maybe I'll do that instead?

I dont know - but I cant wait to decompress and clear my head.....& go with the flow.....

A friend of mine has an amazing website: www.nataliekim.com. This inspired me to step it up with my own - make it more fun. Oy. Whenever I can find the time to do THAT.....

;)

Its Easy Being Green

Some greener changes I've made:

- only wearing natural makeup (no added chemicals - you can find several lines at Sephora)

- water filters for both our kitchen sink ($150) & showerhead ($20). Yes, your showerhead. The skin absorbs water when we shower......we even purchased that one first bc of this (and the fact that it was only $20!!)

- eating way more organic food by way of the farmer's market

- using deodorant that ALLOWS me to sweat - but it does get rid of odor. I know: EWWW! That took some getting use to - sweating - but now I appreciate the fact that I am able to release toxins in my body through sweating - instead of clogging my pores with a generic brand of deo that doesnt allow me to cleanse my body through sweating.

- I just bought plastic containers that are chemical free. From our new favorite home store: Green Depot

Words of Wisdom

Never complain. Never explain.

--Katherine Hepburn

9/11 Reminders -

I realized this morning as I was writing - that I dont express myself enough.

I was thinking about this as I acknowledged that its 9/11 today. Thinking of all those poor people who lost loved ones. I cant imagine what that is like and I really feel for them. Deeply.

There are no words.....

9/11 is what really pushed me to be an actress. And to live more fully. To NOT get caught in the trap of a 9 to 5 job that I dont like. To NOT make life commitments I dont want to make bc they are conventional and what "everyone is doing."

Besides, I'm an Aries.....its in our blood NOT to play it safe.....and to stretch our boundaries.

If I pumped out 2 or 3 kids at a young age, owning 2 cars, having a morgage, a big fat house...I'd be dead - alive, but not really here. Or at least deeply depressed.

That's not to say one cant be happy doing those things. My best friend from high school - this is pretty much her life and she is incredibly happy. Life is about finding what makes your soul purrrr....what makes you the best human being you can possibly be. Taking the more traditional route fills this friend of mine with such joy that she'd be crazy NOT to do it.

Its just that it would have been suicide for me. Somehow I knew this and I had to listen to it.

When 9/11 happened, I was working for a corporation at the time, full time. I had just arrived to NY a little over a year before 9/11. It was my "just for now" job. I sat at my desk, a few days after 9/11....with tears in my eyes bc yes, of what had happened. But mostly bc this tragedy made me realize I was not living the life I wanted to live. I was going into another mundane meeting about whether or not the blue shirt should be placed next to the red shirt or not...(I worked in fashion).....and I wanted to shoot myself. This was surely NOT the way I was going to live my life fully.

Long story short. Out of tragedy can come something beautiful. For me, 9/11 helped me find the courage to live my life with more purpose. And its with gratitude for that wake up call that I remember this day and think of those who lost a loved one.

Back to my initial statement of "not expressing myself enough." Yeah. I dont. The solo show has been great. But there is a lot more where that came from and I've got to let it out or I will go nuts. So here I go. I want to continue on with the solo shows. But there's a lot more I want to do too.

Focused energy. Here I come.

A Career Highlight

Did I mention this already? I was nominated through the festival I just participated in with my solo show for Best Actress and Best Solo Show. Pretty awesome!

The ceremony was last night. When I got there I was actually really nervous. Uncomfortable. The ceremony was a bigger deal than I expected....it was in a really nice theater and a semi-dressy occasion. And what girl doesnt like to get dressed up from time to time? ;)

We took our seats and I swear I thought I was going to throw up. I really would have liked to have won the Best Actress category. That would have really meant something to me. But, I didnt. But once they announced that one and I at least knew the result - I could breath more easily. We didnt win Best Solo Show either - which would have been pretty cool too. BUT - we did win the audience award - over ALL those other shows. That's pretty incredible. Our teeny tiny production winning over plays with a cast and crew of 20 or more. And we were a tiny group of 5 - with me being the only performer! And we won the producer's award too, for having the biggest houses in our venue. That is pretty terrific too. I have to say, between me and the rest of my team, we were really good about getting people to come to the show - and with all the options one has for entertainment in this town - is no small task!!

My friend who came with us, as pure support.....said she almost cried when I gave my acceptance speech. (which I did not plan or think about - risking sounding like a blubbering ding ding --). Trust me, you will not remember ANYONE'S name up there - unless you go over them beforehand. I didnt even attempt any names, other than my director's and my producer's.

It was a lot to take in.....being there.....when all I really wanted to do in the beginning of all this was take a writing class. I knew I had something inside that needed to come out.

Funny how life works, isnt it??

So. What is that uncomfortable thing that is eating at you?? GO DO IT. :)

Getting Inspired by Other Artists -- A Good Pick-Me-Up

Yesterday I woke up and I dont know why, but I was in a funk. I feel such guilt when this happens bc I know I have an ass load to be thankful for.

I was feeling down and I realized it was because a lot of people hadnt gotten back to me on some things I was waiting on. Mostly a couple of mentors hadnt responded to help I wanted about my solo show, I was feeling really overwhelmed and scared at the thought of taking the show further. Like fuck. How am I gonna do this?? A director I met that I want to meet up with in Berlin hadnt responded to me, I missed the deadline for a festival I was wanting to get into and was waiting to hear if I could submit late, and so on....

And I realized that this too is part of the kind of life I want to live. Along come the downs, and then there are ups and then downs again. I was simply in a "down." And feeling really really uncomfortable about continuing on with my show. I was to go that night to a certain organization to pitch my show - seeking help, and it was really the last thing I felt like doing. I wanted to go home and crawl under my covers and hide. But I knew I'd never forgive myself for doing this - and if I was so uncomfortable and scared - well, its something I surely need to face.

So I went.

And a woman came up to me afterwards and said "your pitch was very real. very honest." And she gave me a lead on a theater that I could pitch my show to. And then someone else came up to me and gave me another lead......and so on.....

I left this meeting feeling really really inspired. It was just the pick me up I needed - to see familiar faces in my artistic community, to reconnect with them - to listen to other people's pitches - to hear about what is going on outside of my "solo show bubble." :)

I turned on my ipod, listening to my Michael Jackson tunes. And I felt happy. I was walking down the streets of Chinatown smiling to myself. That meeting had lifted me up!

Living Uncomfortably --

That's what one of my first acting teachers use to tell us all the time: you need to live more uncomfortably.....

Fuck. Really?

So I am. I have decided to take my solo show on the road - to universities and to theaters outside of New York. And its really making me have to reach out to people for help, talk up my show, believe in my work and that I have a message worth spreading -- YIKES!!!

I feel pretty excited about all of this and pretty vulnerable. And scared. And excited all over again - I'm looking into the great unknown.....!!!

Hello there F-E-A-R! You are in my face yet again....

I am also putting the wheels in motion to be a global, triple threat. (acting-writing-producing) We are going to Europe for a month soon for work - I plan to start to lay some roots out there, work wise. And I also want to be in L.A. for part of the year.

At first when I decided this, I thought: how absurd! You cant live and work in NY, L.A. and Europe....who do you think you are??

Oh yes, I can. Watch me. ;)

I ♥ NY

After I worked on my monologues tonight - I went for a stroll by the Hudson River, on the west side of Manhattan. I was just off the theater district. The big open sky and the sunset were calling my name.....I ran into the Intrepid - a ship that is anchored off the Hudson River and @ 45th Street. I've never been there before. Its a museum and although it was closed, I walked along its grounds, which are new, I believe. There's a touristy restaurant, a garden and a nice stretch of sidewalk leading up to the water. Oh and a dog park.

There's also a water park for kids (cant adults go too??). I sat near the water for a while on a bench watching kayaker's coast by (bless them!) and the big open sky in a pale orange melting into pale blue. It was so calming and I felt such peace. An ok'ness with being exactly where I am right now. It felt really nice....

I searched for a pen to write and damn it, can you believe I didnt have one? Me? I ALWAYS have a trusty writing pen on me....

But maybe the point was just to take in the moment?

As I made my way back to the subway....I passed theaters I have worked in, cafe's I've met other actors and writers in to gab.....and wouldnt you know it: The Actor's Studio, where I use to visit more often......

And I had that "I ♥ NY" moment - that moment right out of the movies where you fall in love with this big, beautiful city. And I realized, that maybe, I finally am truly a New Yorker?

Maybe.

♥