Apprehensively Putting It "Out There"

There's a balance between art and commerce. In my humble opinion.

I try to be balanced. The creative part is very easy for me. I like creating. I like putting up a show, working on a script, shooting a film......its the other stuff that's a little tougher.

I'm experiencing anxiety today over telling people about my show. I get afraid that they wont come and that I'll take it personally and I know that I shouldnt take it personally, but its hard not to. Doing this show has put me in such a vulnerable place. My material is SO PERSONAL - that's the beauty of solo shows - what always drew me to going to watch them.....and then further drew me in to actually getting the insane notion of doing one myself. So I have to admit, today I was very sensitive when I got messages from people who could not come to the show. Especially industry folks that I would have liked to have come see it. I've worked really hard on it and I think its really special.

Whatever happened to watching a show just for the sake of watching a show? Why does it have to be about whether or not a celebrity is involved, did it win a Tony, etc?? GOD - I just feel like if I were a name people couldnt resist coming. And that really frustrates me bc I am a damned good actress.

Now I know why, some actors I really admire - they dont get involved in courting industry. They just do their thing as far as honing their craft. I try to balance the 2. I havent courted industry in a while since I've been really only producing my own stuff in the last year. But now that I am courting industry a little bit with this show - I'm having reminders of the frustration and heartache this can bring. It makes one want to go hide in the "creative" side of things. And not deal with all the other stuff.

But - I do know there must be balance. I have to get over all that. Invite them - if they come great, if they dont, well that's great too. Who cares? As my husband reminded me while I was venting to him: DO IT YOUR SHOW FOR YOU. FORGET EVERYONE ELSE.

So, yeah. I'll invite who I need to invite, but at the end of the day, its about MY GROWTH. And besides, plenty of people ARE coming - I'm just getting hung up on the few that can't.

I'm gonna do this thing for me. Damn it!