Creating Your Own Universe

I blog on a community blog for actors from time to time. I wrote a blog recently that turns out inspired some people, so I thought I'd share it here. Its sort of a summation of my blogs in recent months. Hope its helpful....

I've heard a lot of actors talk about how "slow" its been this year, especially in recent months.

True, we're in a recession. But I guess I'm the kind of person who likes a challenge. Surely that is part of the reason I became an actress.

The upside of this year, for me, is that it forced me to take some risks. I lost my cushy parttime job. So when that rug was pulled out from under me, I figured, why not just go for all of it??

So I started writing. And producing. Oh, and directing too. Well, assistant directing to be exact. And I've got to tell you, I've been busier than ever. And its NOT from auditioning. Yes, that has been slow for me too - I'm with a terrific agency, but I'm not a name actress yet - and I'm not your average caucasian chick - so the auditions have been next to nil.

Folks, I'm here to tell you - you've gotta create your own universe. ESPECIALLY in slower times! And sometimes that means doing things you didnt see yourself doing. I've noticed that a lot of actor friends of mine (self included at times) identify so strongly with the label "actor." And its just so limiting!

For instance: I never saw myself producing a film. EVER. And at times I want to bang myself over the head bc its hard work. But an opportunity came my way that I couldnt pass up. So this time, no, I'm not acting, BUT I'm exploring a whole other part of myself. One that I was afraid of bc I didnt want to get too friendly with my "less creative" side. And you know what? In my attempt to open myself up more to possibility, I have met so many wonderful people and there's a new found confidence that's taken over. I'm excited about my career again!

And, most important, I don't feel like I'm at anyone's mercy. I feel like a force to be reckoned with......

I share this with you in the hopes that it will inspire you to take the "bull by the horns." Please, dont get caught up in the "its so slow talk." Run from it! Dont sit around waiting for a phone call. Don't let chasing auditions be all that you spend your time doing. Unless that is what you love to do - then GO FOR IT!! But, from what I've observed, those that last, that are happiest, create their own work. They wear many hats. They feel powerful. Because, well, they are!

In summation - if you have a little more free time these days - go to readings, get involved with theater companies - volunteer if you have to - but get your sassy self out there and meet people. Be willing to try on different roles. Get involved in areas you never thought of -- I think you'll be surprised where it might take you -- and how it makes you feel ---

WOW.

Today I had to put a list together of all the casting directors I've met with since I've been auditioning.

Its been REALLY quiet lately, auditioning-wise -- but when I took a look at this list, I was actually quite surprised and impressed with what I've accomplished. I had to look at this past year's calendar to compile this list - and I was really impressed with how busy I've been - I've REALLY made it a point to get myself out there - to do more readings, meet people, etc.

It snuck up on me. I had no idea. I'm making things happen, unbeknownst to me. I've really done the best that I can with what I have.

Which goes to show - its important to stop and smell the roses. YES! Go after those dreams - but relish in your successes - do not downplay them!

And keep plugging away. Something WILL HAPPEN!

Some trends I noticed:

- Each year I audition a little more

- Each pilot season (which generally would run Feb - April in both LA and NY) I would get busy toward the end of the "season" with auditioning - around mid March. That's when they cast the "smaller" roles. The day players. Each year I've gotten a little busier during that time.

Sidenote: pilot season is becoming less and less of a true Feb - April season...pilots are being cast and shot more and more year round. There still is one during Feb - April, but its not as cut and dry of a timeline as it use to be. Also, the lead actors are cast first (Feb - mid March). Again, this isnt the gospel, but a trend you can usually count on. And those called in for the leads are generally either A) name actors B) people with A level representation. I'm not A nor B yet, so that's why I get called in right now for "smaller" roles toward the end of the season.

So, tonight, I'm gonna pat myself on the back and relish in these victories.

Be kind to yourself folks! Keep pluggin away - make a list of your successes - yes, you do have more than you think you do - and then go do something nice for yourself to celebrate!!

Thank you pretentious person for this reminder --

Be very careful who you share your creative endeavors with.

There will be those who you gel with - and those who you don't.

Find those you gel with - and trust them wholeheartedly.

And the others, especially the ones who sit around and talk about art....and then do NOTHING but make up excuses, RUN FROM! They will suck up your good energy - and NO ONE is worth that!

;)

oh, yes, THAT......

Fundraiser for the film I'm producing came and went. It was wildly successful. And quite stressful. I have gray hairs sprouting out of my part on my head to prove it. oy.

But I cant imagine busting my ass like that and it turning out to be a flop - so I am TRULY FRIGGIN GRATEFUL that it went really really well. I had a producer friend of mine comment "I wish I could pay you to produce my film....."

Ummmm........Shoot me in the head if I ever produce anything other than my own work! :)

But then again, I guess I'm good at it. I have a lot to learn (of course). I worked in event planning and PR when I first came to NY, and the elements are similar.

Maybe I need to just embrace who I am? What I'm learning that I'm good at?

I saw a friend's play tonight. It was great. More than anything, I'm impressed by how she has managed to get her own theater company going. This is their 3rd production. They also do a short film series and readings. The kind of things I like to do. She told me once that the playfestival I put together 3 years ago really inspired her in the beginnings of her company. I'm happy for this - but now she has her own company. And what the heck am I doing??

I keep avoiding this - the idea of having a theater company. But I've talked about it for like five years now. I guess that scares me. Having to come up with all that money - fundraiser after fundraiser. Those are the 2 times I sprouted gray hairs in my part on my head: when I produced that aforementioned playfestival, and when I recently put together this film fundraiser. I just imagine that if I have my own theater company, my hair will be white as snow. I'll age over night.

I know, I am a drama queen ---

But this keeps gnawing at me. And I'm not sure what to do about it - how to begin. Do I have the time? Will I still be able to go out on auditions? Do I even care about going out on auditions? Will I be able to start a family, have my film production company with hubby AND a theater company??? It seems like a lot --

Well, I do seem to enjoy being completely overwhelmed at times -- and I do know that I really need to create my own work. Actor schleping from audition to audition is not in the cards for me. I cant exist that way - at the mercy of others hiring me -- as I've said before - auditions are just the icing on the cake for me - an opportunity -- a sidenote --

Maybe I start off small? Without thinking of everything else that lays ahead?

Just: Seek out writers. Think of what I want my platform to be. I know I'd like to support female writers and producers and directors. And of course actresses. But I feel it needs to be bigger than that. But what? I know I want a humanitarian element. Giving back. Is there another way to do this other than writing a check? AND, how do I secure funding?

Nope, even simpler than all that: call my friend DB, who I've been tossing around the theater thing with over the last year, and seek out writers. Forget the other stuff for now.

ok. Good brainstorm session. Thanks for listening -- night night!

New Person or New Attitude?

My oh my, what a difference some success can make!

The fundraiser planning is really coming together! I'm so happy! Lots of little bits to still take care of - but we are in really good shape and I have a lot of peeps coming.....

I might actually be embracing this producing thing --- look out ---

Finding the time to exercise, no matter how "little" and yoga and meditate has been key - hitting a much needed yoga class tomorrow --

Very grateful. So much! Thanks Universe!

XO

When You Don't Deal With Stress - It Deals With You

It happened.

Last night.

All the warning signals were there.

Shortness of breath.

Tension in my body.

Mind scattered and negative.

Moodiness.

Feeling sorry for myself.

Pissiness.

Neediness.

Stress.

I knew what was going on. And still I did nothing.

I had a meltdown. A mild one. But the embarressing thing is that, instead of doing it in the comfort of my own home, I did it with a friend. I guess I needed to release this to SOMEONE other than poor husband.

Oh well, its who I am --

I was a little embarressed afterwards. Mostly because this friend, as much as I enjoy her, tends to live in the "susie sunshine" thing. Which makes me feel like I should be doing the same thing. But where's the line? Between being real and being a Susie?

Maybe its my thinking - that you CAN be real and be a ray of light? Its funny bc I have another dear friend who is very moody - I AM the ray of sunshine compared to her - and being in this situation last night helped me have compassion for my not-so-sunshiney friend who calls me a Susie.

Make sense??

I was so stressed and moody and my brain was going into overdrive -- and then me and Susie saw a REALLY BAD play. BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD. This actor had cast himself as the lead - for starters, hello? He totally miscast himself. Know thyself!! AND - he's not ready for a part like this. I applaud him for challenging himself, but you've gotta know what is a challenge and what is for later on....

So in addition to being grumpy, moody, stressed, then I had to see a play that was....well, I've already said. That was the last straw. That pushed me over the edge. I couldnt take it any longer.

I started to release to this friend - tell her about things that were bothering me. I was on a roll. I let it all out. The things that I normally dont let get to me.

And while she was the good friend that she is and listened, I noticed that I was searching for a pep talk, the "you can do anything you want" talk. The "you are amazing and unstoppable" talk. And, I didnt get it. I got the "its ok" talk.

Like with husband. I'm always wanting him to pump me up. To lift me up when I fall.

As I sit back now and reflect on all this - I realize that I have to lift myself up. With lots of tenderness and patience. I have to know when I am about to lose it - and how to take care of myself so that I am not spreading fear and negativity to those I care about most.

I dont know how I'm going to do this. But at least I am aware of it. That's a start right?

Which brings me to one of my favorite quotes:

....artists have their ups and downs. For a while everything you do is great, or you think it is and then you fall back down....pulling yourself back up is the most important part of your life.....

I gotta learn to pull myself up in the moments. No one, not husband, not sweet girlfriend can do this for me --- and I dont want to repeatedly take them down with me -- its not fun --

So, here's to getting to know ourselves a little better and being very kind to ourselves, but then knowing when we need to give ourselves a swift kick in the ass!!

:)

Feeding My Soul

I need to get back to my writing - really missing it ---

vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent

I hate producing right now --

A little concerned bc I told my new agency that I couldnt go on an audition tomorrow - first one they are sending me out on too - but I am so stressed and up to my ears!

Sigh

Short of breath --

I am going to yoga, but my body is so TENSE lately!

The fundraiser planning is actually going well. But its just friggin stressful.

Breath in Breath out Breath in Breath out

Feel like I need to chill out over the holidays and set some new goals for myself - things I really want to go after and DO IT - need to shake things up a bit ---

Sometimes I just feel like quitting all this and becoming a full time yoga teacher. There are elements of it that really bother me --

Feeling down

Or maybe its just the producing? Trust me, I am grateful for the opportunity. But it still BLOWS!

After this, my artist needs some attn --

XO :)

Thanks for hearing me vent --